Aside

Dear Readers:

I really want to write on my blog everyday. I love writing so much. It is one of my talents, passions and outlets for my emotions. I unfortunately have had car troubles, housing issues, money problems and sometimes talking or writing about all of it makes me even more sad.

I talked to a friend today who seems to have it all. I usually try to stay fun and perky when around her, but I could not get through a phone conversation without crying. I do not know how to keep being strong and be a good example for my daughter while my life is crumbling all around me. I am holding onto FAITH so tightly that I slept with the Bible in the bed the other night, perhaps for protection?

I will appreciate it very much if you all understand that I am not giving up on Faith. That is the very premise of this blog. I will also be super grateful if you will hang with me while I am in the major transition period of my life. I am waiting and searching and yearning to know what God’s plan for me is. Sometimes I do not feel that there is a plan.

But, because ‘faith is all that I can stand on’, I will keep marching on. I will write on here when I can. I will be open and honest and I will share my triumphs (hope I have some) and my struggles (too many of these). Thanks for being supportive. 

Sincerely,

Faithful in DC:)

I have NEVER felt this tested in my life. EVER…

I feel like I am going through a bit of a personal hell in my life right now and I do not understand why. My kid and I almost got kicked out of our living situation today because of jerk neighbors that continuously harass us with noise, but complain if we make noise back. I have lived in my neighborhood as a renter for almost 10 years. I am a respectable person and I am respectful. I expect to be treated in the way that I treat people. I do not expect silence, but I do demand that people realize that they cannot do whatever they want without any repercussions. 

I have dealt with this jerk since March and things have been annoying and iffy the whole time. I received a cure or vacate notice in June and we both laid off and did not complain and let things ride for a long time after the letter. Last weekend he decided to act like an a– and have a bunch of people over and make ridiculous noise. I did not bang on the ceiling, but I made noise as well. Why it has been okay for him to act like a neanderthal and make excessive noise and I am supposed to swallow big spoonfuls of his sh– is beyond me.

I got the letter today to say that I would have to move because of excessive complaints against me. So, I went straight into survival mode. I went to a legal aid kind of website to get legal help and then I did something better. I went and spoke with the person that sent me the notice and her regional manager. I yelled, I cried, I spoke nicely, I spoke in a matter of fact way. I spoke with anger. I spoke with sincerity.

Thirty eight minutes later, the letter was rescinded. I still do not feel at peace though. What if this guy complains again? What if I do something that he perceives as retaliatory? Will we be kicked out of our home? Will we have to scrimp and scratch to move somewhere else? 

I can hardly think about how it would be to have to move somewhere else. We moved within our community in March and I pretty much did it alone. Our new place is cozy, yet larger. It faces the woods and the three fountain pools. It feels like we have a backyard, which we really do not because no one does in our area-all condos and townhomes!

But no matter, it is our home. Our good friend who is getting signed to an agency wants me to relocate to NYC if she makes it big so that I can be her publicist. In my teens and 20’s, I really wanted to live there. The DC area is more my speed. A bit slower, but still with tons of culture and arts. But with all of the drama that has been happening in my life lately with friends and jobs and now my living situation, I am all in.

My kid is going for an open audition in February. Our friend who is “making it” works there and feels sure that my child has what it takes to really go somewhere in the entertainment world. I never wanted that because I want my child to have a childhood. People have approached her ever since she was a baby about modeling or commercials. When she turned what I felt was the appropriate age, she auditioned and was signed with an agency outside of Baltimore. But it is a weak agency with no organization and few opportunities and her contract is up in March.

So, I am praying that she gets cast in something big. If only it pays for her college, I will be happy because she will have her dream and have her future set. She wants a career at it, and if she truly wants that and is not a child who is just dreaming, then I want it for her as well. But I am in no means pushing her into that life. I have always until now run from it. But with what is happening with us here, I am wondering if God has something big planned. I keep feeling pushed and pulled in everything that I do.

There is no peace. Nothing is working out the way that it should. Does it mean that I should step out on faith and move? Like-move away? Start fresh? Apply for jobs out of the area? I just do not know and I am not the type of person that can hear God speak to them. Perhaps that is a more advanced Christian, or someone who listens better, or someone other than I. 

I know one thing though, after the way things have been going for me lately I am going to spend a lot more time being still with God. Right now all that I want to do is cry and give up and rage and fall down. I cannot do that though. Not for myself, or my daughter or for God.

I am here on this earth for some reason and I will keep on trying to figure out what my purpose is. I know that I am here to be a mother, but I cannot imagine that I was put here to keep going through so much drama and very little light at the end of the tunnel. Pray for me people. I really really need it right now. 

Thank goodness that I still have faith. I would not be able to type on this blog if I did not. Good night and God Bless~

The Lord answered, “If you had faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say to this mulberry tree, ‘May you be uprooted and thrown into the sea,’ and it would obey you!

 Luke 17:6

 

Sometimes I feel like breaking down and crumpling on the floor…

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I can’t begin to tell you how my year has been, or maybe I can…I moved, I lost a job, I found a job, I lost a job, I got my Master’s degree. I had a temporary job, I lost my cat of two decades while having guests over for a month. I started two part time jobs that recently ended because they were for a specified time. I got extremely disappointed in a friend who I have bent over backwards to support and had another friend flee because I did not meet her demands. 

Fast forward to today. I took my car in and the brakes were badddd…It was going to cost 950 dollars. Either God was standing on that guys conscience, or he saw how panic stricken I looked, or more likely something divine happened because he reduced it to 731-which is still bad when you are broke. Then he called the credit company associated with them and I was approved for 700 dollars!  My credit is just mediocre after years of being married to an irresponsible person who did not do the right thing money wise or marriage wise-that is another story.

So, I was literally crying tears of joy and had to take a moment like John Cage on Ally McBeal.  I was so overwhelmed with God’s grace and this man’s kindness that I had to step away to deal.  My beautiful daughter said: “mommy, are you alright?”  I said, “yes, I am just so thankful that God allowed this to happen.” (or something like that)

Now I know that it is en vogue to “hate God” or all that is deemed “religious”.  Well if that is how you feel, then I truly feel sorry for you. I by no means have life or God all figured out, but I know that there is a God. I can feel it in my bones and during times like this. The thing is, I don’t read the Bible hardly every anymore and I have been to church only twice this summer.  But during the year we go every week because we are very involved in the church. I have a few roles that are important in the church and my child is involved in the children’s ministry with the other church that shares our building that are a different nationality, but it works!~

The point is, you do not have to be perfect and no every Bible scripture to have faith or be a Christian. In my humble opinion, you just have to believe that things will improve or that there is someone on your side. You have to treat people well and give of yourself to others and step away from a life of selfishness.  I have never had a problem with being selfish, but it is so hard for me to treat people that are not good to me in a kind manner.  I want to make them feel bad or to unfriend them, or sometimes use their head as a punching bag-only kidding;).  

I am separated, have little money, no job, honest to God little hope and yet I am still moving and grooving through life with a smile on my face. Of course I don’t want to talk much to people now and of course I have been a little more annoyed with people lately, but it is because I am stressed the heck out! Anyone would be.

A big problem is that people in this affluent bubble that I live in don’t get it and don’t care too. I am beginning to think that I don’t really have any friends here. My good friend is moving soon and one friend who I considered my best one here is just so cookie cutter/Stepfordesque that I can’t hardly stand to be around her anymore.  I just can’t. Maybe it is my issue, but she has never suffered. She has always had financial security without earning it herself. She hangs around other little perfect versions of herself.

I am the eclectic one. The stand on her own though it may be hell on earth kind of gal. I am very opinionated, which is not very WASP of me. I married someone outside of my race. I finished college later than most and the same with my 2nd degree. I am beautiful but have no banging body-about 45 pounds away from that! I am smart and creative and lovely and different and lonely and bitter all in one package. I exude confidence but I am my worst enemy. I want to have my fair chance. My good stretch of things. My kid and the fact that I am alive and well is all that I can hold on to. Literally. And, that is where my faith comes into play.

If I did not have it, I could not put two feet in front of the other and teach my child and nurture her and expose her to culture and love and the beauty around us. I talk to her like a person. I tell her things that I wasn’t told on her level of course. My mom says that I tell her too much and maybe I do. But I wasn’t told that my father was not a good person and it wasn’t my fault. I wasn’t talked to about the women we caught him with. I wasn’t able to open up to my mother and I really became screwed up as a result.

Truth and faith are what is keeping me going other than the miracle that God brought into my life when he gave me a child.  If that is all that I have to go on, then I will take it. Faith will guide me to my destiny and I am going to be a half-full type of girl and say that it is going to be a heluva fabulous and wonderous journey.

I surrender to the gift that faith is…So that your faith might not rest in the wisdom of men (human philosophy), but in the power of God. 1 Corinthians 2: 5

P.S. I am human, so I may not say things in a pretty way all of the time but I want to be completely authentic with my feelings.