Today has been an interesting day. It seems that I have been out of work for eons when it has only been a few weeks. Taking my kid to her art class and starting my new part-time afternoon/evening gig has me less than enthralled. It is amazing how quickly one can become lazy and unmotivated when there is no set time to be somewhere. In sets the realization that it is officially fall. Though it is truly my favorite time of year, I am just not ready to be so dedicated to being places. It seems that in my writing that I contradict myself a bit because on one hand I yearn for organization and precise scheduling. On the other hand I simply want to lie in the bed and catch up on zzz’s that I can never seem to grab on to when I am supposed to actually be sleeping.
About that. Last night I was so proud of myself. Like Cinderella, I hurried myself into my room at midnight and determined to put all thoughts of the current day’s activity in the back of my conscious mind, I closed my eyes and said a quick prayer (still working on that whole long prayer/meditation deal). Though I am certain that I slept at some point, I don’t feel like it was a lot. It was like a Nascar race in my mind. Thoughts of all of what I need and how much money it will take to do those things kept going around and around and around.
What bums me about this, besides the dark circles, is that I have really cut down on caffeine ever since Saturday which is a big feat for me, and I still can’t sleep. It is amazing how money can rule one’s thoughts, especially when one doesn’t have much of it. I am trying to think positive because of the fact that I have 2 jobs. But the truth is that I am still going to be struggling financially and that is not only upsetting but disappointing. I know that I cannot expect to get an advanced degree and a few months later expect a magical high-paying job to fall into my lap, but it doesn’t mean that I am not wishing for it.
Back to Cinderella, where on earth is MY fairy Godmother?? I want someone to come along and give me a wonderful opportunity that will forever change my life for the better. I have never had my time in the sun. I have always worked, albeit not important or influential jobs in the grand scheme of things, but I have been a contributing member of society since I was able to work. I want a break. I know so many people in this area who have at home jobs where they don’t ever seem to spend a whole bunch of time doing the work, but they are paid well and still super involved in their kids’ lives. They take their kids places, participate in their activities and all the while they have a career position to complete the puzzle.
I want that. I want to not worry about how we can make it to a family reunion and still pay all of the bills on time. I want to be able to pay for a vacation without having to save forever or have my mother take us on one. Becoming a single parent did not only sacrifice my social standing, but also my sense of security. On one hand I am so happy to lock the door at night and not worry about where he is, or who he’s doing. Sorry, Freudian slip.:) I have a peace of mind as far as I am not worrying about getting hurt in a relationship, but there are so many financial worries. I blame myself in many ways because I have always worked for myself the most part or had non-traditional ways of earning money, i.e. not working 9 to 5 or ‘for the man.’
That was then and I made those choices and took a different path and I am glad I did because I have my child and I have been able to be there for every moment of growing up. But I am not successful in terms of career. Isn’t that always the rub? Go down one path and we think it is right and years later we scratch our heads and wonder, what on earth was I thinking?
In this materialistic society I have failed. I don’t have a Birkin, or a Benz or a Big home. But, I have my education, decent looks and a heart of gold. “They” say that the true rewards are in heaven. If that is true, then I will have it going on when I get there. I really do hope that it is a long time before that happens though. For now I will be thankful. Thankful for my little home, my wonderful kid, my seemingly small life that is large in our eyes,thankful to be born in such a wonderful country despite the politics, and thankful to have another day to breathe another breath and to be able to type another word.
Before I forget. Please remember to say prayers, (or send positive thoughts for those who do not pray) to all of the families and victims of 9/11. Service men and women sacrificed their lives with their families to protect our nation. Never forget that as you go for your cup of latte or drop your kid off at school, that we live in a great place and need to treasure our freedom everyday…