Too much faith in MAN-again

I do not know why I continue to be surprised that people are not who I need to put my faith in. I think a lot of us struggle with this. it makes sense because we don’t see Jesus Christ in the flesh sitting next to us. I can’t lean over and put my head on his shoulder when I am having a tough time or doubt myself. I can’t text Jesus and have a text be returned to let me know that I am loved back or missed, etc. I think my point is, I know that Jesus Christ is real. I don’t have to see HIM to know that. But, not being able to talk to Jesus and have a two-way conversation makes it difficult for me sometimes. For lots of people.

I think that in this digital world and the rush-rush environment for those of us who live in and around cities, do not know how to be still. I say a prayer/song to my daughter every night that I made up that covers all of the bases. It is quite lovely-not bragging. But by the time I drag myself to bed, I do the Father/Son/Holy Spirit sign and get on my knees for 30 seconds and get under the covers. I talk to God silently at times and often times in the shower. I guess I could even consider my singing in the choir, a conversation or at least praising or thankfulness to God. 

But I have been letting all of the “noise” of new friendships, new situations, a new attitude get in the way of what is most important. My relationship with Jesus Christ. I truly want to live up to my deacon name. I want to live the life, not just pretend to live the life. I want to feel as close to HIM as I do to my best friend after sharing my heart and thoughts with her. I guess I really am wondering if any of you out there feel the same way?

I know I have been AWOL for awhile. I have let my obsession with changing my life-losing weight, making time for me, hanging out with friends and being a great mom get in the way of my relationship with Jesus Christ and for that I am ashamed. Do any of you have any tips?

Night…

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All is well that ends somewhat okay…

Today has been an interesting day. It seems that I have been out of work for eons when it has only been a few weeks. Taking my kid to her art class and starting my new part-time afternoon/evening gig has me less than enthralled. It is amazing how quickly one can become lazy and unmotivated when there is no set time to be somewhere. In sets the realization that it is officially fall. Though it is truly my favorite time of year, I am just not ready to be so dedicated to being places. It seems that in my writing that I contradict myself a bit because on one hand I yearn for organization and precise scheduling. On the other hand I simply want to lie in the bed and catch up on zzz’s that I can never seem to grab on to when I am supposed to actually be sleeping.

About that. Last night I was so proud of myself. Like Cinderella, I hurried myself into my room at midnight and determined to put all thoughts of the current day’s activity in the back of my conscious mind, I closed my eyes and said a quick prayer (still working on that whole long prayer/meditation deal). Though I am certain that I slept at some point, I don’t feel like it was a lot. It was like a Nascar race in my mind. Thoughts of all of what I need and how much money it will take to do those things kept going around and around and around.

What bums me about this, besides the dark circles, is that I have really cut down on caffeine ever since Saturday which is a big feat for me, and I still can’t sleep. It is amazing how money can rule one’s thoughts, especially when one doesn’t have much of it. I am trying to think positive because of the fact that I have 2 jobs. But the truth is that I am still going to be struggling financially and that is not only upsetting but disappointing. I know that I cannot expect to get an advanced degree and a few months later expect a magical high-paying job to fall into my lap, but it doesn’t mean that I am not wishing for it.

Back to Cinderella, where on earth is MY fairy Godmother?? I want someone to come along and give me a wonderful opportunity that will forever change my life for the better. I have never had my time in the sun. I have always worked, albeit not important or influential jobs in the grand scheme of things, but I have been a contributing member of society since I was able to work. I want a break. I know so many people in this area who have at home jobs where they don’t ever seem to spend a whole bunch of time doing the work, but they are paid well and still super involved in their kids’ lives. They take their kids places, participate in their activities and all the while they have a career position to complete the puzzle.

I want that. I want to not worry about how we can make it to a family reunion and still pay all of the bills on time. I want to be able to pay for a vacation without having to save forever or have my mother take us on one. Becoming a single parent did not only sacrifice my social standing, but also my sense of security. On one hand I am so happy to lock the door at night and not worry about where he is, or who he’s doing. Sorry, Freudian slip.:) I have a peace of mind as far as I am not worrying about getting hurt in a relationship, but there are so many financial worries. I blame myself in many ways because I have always worked for myself the most part or had non-traditional ways of earning money, i.e. not working 9 to 5 or ‘for the man.’

That was then and I made those choices and took a different path and I am glad I did because I have my child and I have been able to be there for every moment of growing up. But I am not successful in terms of career. Isn’t that always the rub? Go down one path and we think it is right and years later we scratch our heads and wonder, what on earth was I thinking?

In this materialistic society I have failed. I don’t have a Birkin, or a Benz or a Big home. But, I have my education, decent looks and a heart of gold. “They” say that the true rewards are in heaven. If that is true, then I will have it going on when I get there. I really do hope that it is a long time before that happens though. For now I will be thankful. Thankful for my little home, my wonderful kid, my seemingly small life that is large in our eyes,thankful to be born in such a wonderful country despite the politics, and thankful to have another day to breathe another breath and to be able to type another word.

Before I forget. Please remember to say prayers, (or send positive thoughts for those who do not pray) to all of the families and victims of 9/11. Service men and women sacrificed their lives with their families to protect our nation. Never forget that as you go for your cup of latte or drop your kid off at school, that we live in a great place and need to treasure our freedom everyday…

The law of sacrifice is uniform throughout the world. To be effective it demands the sacrifice of the bravest and the most spotless.
Mahatma Gandhi

Enjoying doing nothing solo tonight, or am I?

My kid had a sleepover tonight for her best friend’s bday so we had to cancel our plans to go to a singalong for Sound of Music at Wolftrap tonight.  I didn’t make plans with anyone because most people have plans because it is a holiday weekend. I am really honestly not in the mood to see anyone. I think that I will go to my friend D’s house and help her pack a bit :(.  I am afraid to go over because seeing her home askew will make it so final.  You know? So, I sit here in Starbucks using the last of my gift card drinking my Macchiato and listening to Biggie Smalls on Pandora.:)  Sometimes I need a little old skool hip hop to keep me from being to reflective and serious.

I was lying on my back in the pool today on a pool noodle-that is one of the coolest inventions ever!  I looked up at the clouds and started a mini-meditation, involuntarily, because that is what I do when I am around water apparently. Especially a waterfall. I swear that I saw some of the clouds break off into different sizes of hearts. Then I started thinking: Am I watching too much Ally McBeal? My imagination and thought life has really exploded as of late! Then I started to wonder if love is missing from my life, romantic love.  But everytime my mind goes to that I shut down mentally because I soooooo suck at picking or judging men and relationships. I am the kind of girl that is very intuitive and perceptive, almost witchy, but let a guy pay attention to me and I will tune all of the signals and signs completely out.

What is that about? Daddy issues? Self-esteem issues? I really want to figure it out. It would be great to feel dateable again. I feel like because I don’t have a barrage of requests from men that perhaps I am out of the game for good. Granted I only go to kid friendly events for the most part. I go to a church with all old people. My kid is the only kid there! So no chance of meeting anyone there. Then I take my kid to the tennis club and yeah there are dads there but no single ones. Same with dance and her scouting troop. Is anyone divorced or single in this whole area? It is like Brady Bunch land with minivans everywhere.

I know that I am complaining over and over and over about it, but I have to stay in the burbs of the District for now and it is not a good fit. Gtown is a much better fit or Shurlington, but it is so expensive and when one does not have a job it is not easy to relocate. You know? So I will try to grin and bear being the only single parent in this area. I know that I am exaggerating a bit, I am sure that there are some but I have not met a single parent or a single person over 30 who I have something in common with. Either they want to stay home all of the time or they are in the club. I am so over clubs. Been over clubs since I was 25!

So what to do, what to do? For now, I guess work on my body so that I feel and look better. At the same time work on obtaining a job that will support us and work on resting and being at peace. It is this vicious cycle of me not sleeping enough, over doing it with caffeine to get by and even when I am resting like watching Downton Abbey or another series on Netflix, I am rarely focused. It sounds like ADHD or something, but I think that I am afraid to be still and pray and meditate. In doing so, it is like my problems will all come pouring down and be in the forefront. No more dancing around them. That scares me. I am going to try tonight to kneel beside my bed and pray and listen. I don’t expect GOD to say hey, get it together in a booming voice. But maybe I will gain some perspective or knowledge if I can be still and wait for HIS presence. I have never felt that. I have had feelings about doing or not doing things or about people or situations, but I have never felt like God was sitting right there with me and holding my hand or listening to me. I will try it tonight and report back. 

Now don’t get me wrong I am smart enough to know that this kind of thing is not easy to come by and it make take 50 times before it will happen or it may never happen. Sometimes I think that it has never happened to me because I am not pure of heart, or I think the worst of people before I think the best. Or because of the fact that I don’t give people the benefit of the doubt a lot of the time. How or why would God give me a chance if I don’t do the same for others? But then I look at the way that I treat people and how I empty out my purse for the MDA firefighter on the corner or take the lifeguard at the pool a sandwich and think-well I am not all that bad am I? It’s kind of like I think because I am opinionated and have attitudes towards people that God is in some way punishing me. Then I get into the comparison game and think of all the people that I know that aren’t believers, or are super selfish and they seem so fortunate. How are they so blessed in so many ways? Then I remind myself again of good health, my daughter and my mom and feel so completely rewarded and and thankful. But I want some of the other things to. I wonder if it is possible for me or is it that I am not just worthy? That is the million dollar question..

 

Psalms 46:10  He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
    I will be exalted among the nations,
    I will be exalted in the earth.”