What is it all about anyway?

What is the real purpose of entering into a relationship outside of pro-creation? Security? A life partner? Tea for two? Two heads are better than one? It takes two to tango? I could go on and on but I will spare you.

I sometimes “fean” for a good-smelling, stable and intelligent man to hold me at night and to ease the hardships of being a parent alone. Honestly, I do not know I am in this “relationship thoughts mode” today but I am. Perhaps because it is my birthday week. Maybe I am feeling a little sad that my kid has to create a card and does not have a gift to give me. Not sad because I want or need a gift from her. Sad because she will be upset about it. A husband would take care of that right?

This is where I get to the frustrating part. I am not so sure that husbands do that. Mine certainly didn’t. The guys I have dated, except for one, have been so self-centered. Is that a reflection on me? Do I pick people like that, or do I send out some kind of signals saying: ‘She’s got her heart on her sleeve. She is a good woman. She will be down with you no matter what.’ Translation: She will put up with your crap until the cows come home. She will respect you even when you do not deserve it. She will pick up the slack where you do not. She will treat you like a man when all you do is act like an effing boy!

On days like my birthday or Christmas or Valentine’s, I often think about what it would be like if I “had a man.” Then I see friends of mine who have one and they put up with an awful lot of garbage in my opinion. I met with a friend from out of state recently and her husband seriously POUTED at the table. He wanted to do something else, not have lunch with us. It is not that he does not like me, because we get along pretty well. It was just not his choice to go, so he was pissed and acted like a darned kindergartner the whole time. I would have been mortified if my hubby acted like such a donkey’s behind. I would have pulled him to the side and told him to go take a walk around the plaza, have his coffee and we would see him later.

But that is the thing. Marriage is full of compromises. Romantic relationships are too. But there generally is one party compromising more than the other. I am usually on the 70 percent end. I am the one that puts up with more. Until I don’t.

Then…I am done. That is what happened in my “marriage” if that is what one could call it. Besides the fact that he couldn’t keep his undies up where other women were concerned, I did it all. Party planning, meal prep, cleaning. child-rearing, schedule coordination, remembered bdays, grocery shopping-you name it! Not to mention that I worked around 30 hours a week from home and had my baby with me all day long! I also managed the money and paid the bills. I had to beg him to take out trash and recyclables. I would go and get my own car repairs and then he would complain about how I got ripped off!

So, I figured that I could do without that fauxlationship and be happier alone with my child. For the most part I am. Usually birthdays do not have me feeling blue. I am most of the time a cheery and happy kind of person. I know sleep deprivation is a big part here. But the other is, I don’t feel celebrated. I am not one of those people with 20 cards coming to my place. Maybe 5 or 6 cards. I have already received 3 packages and a few cards and an email. I can’t beat that. People love me. They are thinking of me. Does it matter that there are not oodles of cards and emails? Why is it no matter how old we are, we still think like high-schoolers regarding certain things? Or at least I do. Popularity at my age?

No I am not ancient, but still. I want love and recognition and special treatment. What queen doesn’t? I think that all women are queens. What queen does not expect a little pomp and circumstance every now and then?? Anyway, I will as always, embrace my singlehood and enjoy my 7 days of bday celebrations with my kiddo and friends. I have a lot to be thankful for and though it may not seem as much as others, I know that I am loved. Life is not worth living without it.

Adieu~

Presents don’t really mean much to me. I don’t want to sound mawkish, but – it was the realization that I have a great many people in my life who really love me, and who I really love.
Gabriel Byrne

Eight hours at the pool did not disappoint. So why the sad face???

We spent 8 out of the 9 hours that the pool was open, right there in the water enjoying the sun and fun. We splashed, played, swam, had fun with the awesome Eastern European lifeguards that we got to know all summer. It was a great day. I bought a pizza to share with the lifeguards and later a snack and a soda. We were per our tradition, the last to leave the pool. I get so desperate the last few minutes of being there to soak up every bubble and stroke. I jump from pool to pool until the lifeguards say that that is it. Time for the chemicals mean time to say goodbye to another summer.

I am trying so hard to embrace the recent changes of our friends that left on July 31st, my jobs ending, the pool closing, my neighbor leaving on Saturday, etc. I have this child-like quality in that I do not embrace change well. At all. It is sucky living in the DC area because so often people are here for short amounts of time because of military or contract work, or people move and retire to somewhere “slower” and “cheaper”.  The core of the people that I know are families of children that I have taught or cared for and although some of them are my daughter’s best friends and they are solid and good people, they are not my friends. I could call them in a pinch, but I would not do a “mom’s night out” with them.

So, I am faced with getting myself together tonight. Tomorrow is a new day. Back on the health regimen that we have strayed so far from because of guests and travel and constant events. The start of lesson plans with my daughter, the hardcore job search and letting go of what was. I have had a tough year in many respects and as part of the renewal of fall I am going to move forward in this new season a less-burdened woman. I am going to take care of my body and mind, approach each day as an opportunity and not another day to be disappointed. I am going to have faith that this new season will bring good things and among them, better opportunities for us. I believe that through God’s grace that things will improve and that new people will come into our lives that will add to us rather than deplete us or cause us ill will.  

I am going to take time out everyday for 5 minutes to thank God for His many blessings given to us and ask for prayers for whatever I am working with. I really need to have a prayer life. I feel that if I designate time for God that he will open doors for me. I make time to do thing for the church, but I feel phony sometimes because I feel that the God/child of God relationship is lacking and that is my bad. 

Here’s to a new start…

Sometimes I feel like breaking down and crumpling on the floor…

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I can’t begin to tell you how my year has been, or maybe I can…I moved, I lost a job, I found a job, I lost a job, I got my Master’s degree. I had a temporary job, I lost my cat of two decades while having guests over for a month. I started two part time jobs that recently ended because they were for a specified time. I got extremely disappointed in a friend who I have bent over backwards to support and had another friend flee because I did not meet her demands. 

Fast forward to today. I took my car in and the brakes were badddd…It was going to cost 950 dollars. Either God was standing on that guys conscience, or he saw how panic stricken I looked, or more likely something divine happened because he reduced it to 731-which is still bad when you are broke. Then he called the credit company associated with them and I was approved for 700 dollars!  My credit is just mediocre after years of being married to an irresponsible person who did not do the right thing money wise or marriage wise-that is another story.

So, I was literally crying tears of joy and had to take a moment like John Cage on Ally McBeal.  I was so overwhelmed with God’s grace and this man’s kindness that I had to step away to deal.  My beautiful daughter said: “mommy, are you alright?”  I said, “yes, I am just so thankful that God allowed this to happen.” (or something like that)

Now I know that it is en vogue to “hate God” or all that is deemed “religious”.  Well if that is how you feel, then I truly feel sorry for you. I by no means have life or God all figured out, but I know that there is a God. I can feel it in my bones and during times like this. The thing is, I don’t read the Bible hardly every anymore and I have been to church only twice this summer.  But during the year we go every week because we are very involved in the church. I have a few roles that are important in the church and my child is involved in the children’s ministry with the other church that shares our building that are a different nationality, but it works!~

The point is, you do not have to be perfect and no every Bible scripture to have faith or be a Christian. In my humble opinion, you just have to believe that things will improve or that there is someone on your side. You have to treat people well and give of yourself to others and step away from a life of selfishness.  I have never had a problem with being selfish, but it is so hard for me to treat people that are not good to me in a kind manner.  I want to make them feel bad or to unfriend them, or sometimes use their head as a punching bag-only kidding;).  

I am separated, have little money, no job, honest to God little hope and yet I am still moving and grooving through life with a smile on my face. Of course I don’t want to talk much to people now and of course I have been a little more annoyed with people lately, but it is because I am stressed the heck out! Anyone would be.

A big problem is that people in this affluent bubble that I live in don’t get it and don’t care too. I am beginning to think that I don’t really have any friends here. My good friend is moving soon and one friend who I considered my best one here is just so cookie cutter/Stepfordesque that I can’t hardly stand to be around her anymore.  I just can’t. Maybe it is my issue, but she has never suffered. She has always had financial security without earning it herself. She hangs around other little perfect versions of herself.

I am the eclectic one. The stand on her own though it may be hell on earth kind of gal. I am very opinionated, which is not very WASP of me. I married someone outside of my race. I finished college later than most and the same with my 2nd degree. I am beautiful but have no banging body-about 45 pounds away from that! I am smart and creative and lovely and different and lonely and bitter all in one package. I exude confidence but I am my worst enemy. I want to have my fair chance. My good stretch of things. My kid and the fact that I am alive and well is all that I can hold on to. Literally. And, that is where my faith comes into play.

If I did not have it, I could not put two feet in front of the other and teach my child and nurture her and expose her to culture and love and the beauty around us. I talk to her like a person. I tell her things that I wasn’t told on her level of course. My mom says that I tell her too much and maybe I do. But I wasn’t told that my father was not a good person and it wasn’t my fault. I wasn’t talked to about the women we caught him with. I wasn’t able to open up to my mother and I really became screwed up as a result.

Truth and faith are what is keeping me going other than the miracle that God brought into my life when he gave me a child.  If that is all that I have to go on, then I will take it. Faith will guide me to my destiny and I am going to be a half-full type of girl and say that it is going to be a heluva fabulous and wonderous journey.

I surrender to the gift that faith is…So that your faith might not rest in the wisdom of men (human philosophy), but in the power of God. 1 Corinthians 2: 5

P.S. I am human, so I may not say things in a pretty way all of the time but I want to be completely authentic with my feelings.