Hope everyone had a Thanksgiving to be thankful for…

I am slowly moving out of my funk. I am trying to seek a real job. I am thinking about getting another degree. Silly? Perhaps,but my options are running out. So, back to Thanksgiving. I am so happy that we had a place to go with good food, conversation and laughter. I was completely chill just staying home under the covers and watching Christmas movies with my daughter. We planned to put decorations on the tree because we put it up that Wednesday. 

Anyway, we did not decorate. We spent from 2 to 9 pm with our friends and it brought me back to southern Thanksgiving dinners at my grandmother’s. This is the first year that she was not around because she passed away in March, so I know that dinner down south was so different for my family. Well, my friend did not disappoint. She had collards, yams, ham, turkey, potato salad. It was a soul food throw down!:) She had awesome appetizers and we had red wine with dinner. Nice meal.

Then her hubby went to lie down and the kids went to play and we sat and talked and talked. I really needed that, you know? Sometimes satan wants us to feel isolated. Like we have nowhere to go and no one to listen to us, but it is such a fallacy! Most of us who have lived normal lives and treated others well and been a normal part of society do have people that pray for us and care for us. We may have people that are praying for us that we have no clue about. It could be the service desk worker that you have gotten to know at your favorite store. It could be the older woman who sits alone at church who you make time to talk with. 

I am a lot of things right now-stressed, concerned, wanting CHANGE in my life so desperately. But one thing I am sure of is that I am loved. We are loved. There are bad people in the world. But there are good people that are available to us that many of us do not appreciate or take the time to get to know. Would I have rather been with a husband of my own and my daughter that night? Sure. Do I want to meet a great man to step in and help me raise my child because her father does not? Yes of course. But apparently God is not ready for me to be with someone. Or, God is preparing him to come into my life. Or preparing my heart. The same heart that has anger and pain and resentment buried behind it.

Today I am hopeful. I desire a different life. A better life. Don’t get me wrong, I am thankful for where I live and would not trade my kid for a trillion dollars. I have friends and a full calendar. But I am not where I need to be financially and I long for romantic love. But, today I feel blessed and I awaiting God’s go ahead for me to be in a better place-emotionally, romantically and financially.

I am claiming it! I am going to have my sunny day. My turn at ‘happy days’ and ‘everything is coming up roses’ is where I am headed! If you feel sad or trapped or confused, just seek the Most High in all that you do and you may not get the answer you want, but you will find comfort. You also will have a friend by your side that will never leave you and always love you. I may not have God all figured out, but some of the situations I should have not made it out of alive, let me know that God has to have a purpose for me. I am still here for a reason. For THAT I give a prayer of gratitude and thanksgiving.

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What is it all about anyway?

What is the real purpose of entering into a relationship outside of pro-creation? Security? A life partner? Tea for two? Two heads are better than one? It takes two to tango? I could go on and on but I will spare you.

I sometimes “fean” for a good-smelling, stable and intelligent man to hold me at night and to ease the hardships of being a parent alone. Honestly, I do not know I am in this “relationship thoughts mode” today but I am. Perhaps because it is my birthday week. Maybe I am feeling a little sad that my kid has to create a card and does not have a gift to give me. Not sad because I want or need a gift from her. Sad because she will be upset about it. A husband would take care of that right?

This is where I get to the frustrating part. I am not so sure that husbands do that. Mine certainly didn’t. The guys I have dated, except for one, have been so self-centered. Is that a reflection on me? Do I pick people like that, or do I send out some kind of signals saying: ‘She’s got her heart on her sleeve. She is a good woman. She will be down with you no matter what.’ Translation: She will put up with your crap until the cows come home. She will respect you even when you do not deserve it. She will pick up the slack where you do not. She will treat you like a man when all you do is act like an effing boy!

On days like my birthday or Christmas or Valentine’s, I often think about what it would be like if I “had a man.” Then I see friends of mine who have one and they put up with an awful lot of garbage in my opinion. I met with a friend from out of state recently and her husband seriously POUTED at the table. He wanted to do something else, not have lunch with us. It is not that he does not like me, because we get along pretty well. It was just not his choice to go, so he was pissed and acted like a darned kindergartner the whole time. I would have been mortified if my hubby acted like such a donkey’s behind. I would have pulled him to the side and told him to go take a walk around the plaza, have his coffee and we would see him later.

But that is the thing. Marriage is full of compromises. Romantic relationships are too. But there generally is one party compromising more than the other. I am usually on the 70 percent end. I am the one that puts up with more. Until I don’t.

Then…I am done. That is what happened in my “marriage” if that is what one could call it. Besides the fact that he couldn’t keep his undies up where other women were concerned, I did it all. Party planning, meal prep, cleaning. child-rearing, schedule coordination, remembered bdays, grocery shopping-you name it! Not to mention that I worked around 30 hours a week from home and had my baby with me all day long! I also managed the money and paid the bills. I had to beg him to take out trash and recyclables. I would go and get my own car repairs and then he would complain about how I got ripped off!

So, I figured that I could do without that fauxlationship and be happier alone with my child. For the most part I am. Usually birthdays do not have me feeling blue. I am most of the time a cheery and happy kind of person. I know sleep deprivation is a big part here. But the other is, I don’t feel celebrated. I am not one of those people with 20 cards coming to my place. Maybe 5 or 6 cards. I have already received 3 packages and a few cards and an email. I can’t beat that. People love me. They are thinking of me. Does it matter that there are not oodles of cards and emails? Why is it no matter how old we are, we still think like high-schoolers regarding certain things? Or at least I do. Popularity at my age?

No I am not ancient, but still. I want love and recognition and special treatment. What queen doesn’t? I think that all women are queens. What queen does not expect a little pomp and circumstance every now and then?? Anyway, I will as always, embrace my singlehood and enjoy my 7 days of bday celebrations with my kiddo and friends. I have a lot to be thankful for and though it may not seem as much as others, I know that I am loved. Life is not worth living without it.

Adieu~

Presents don’t really mean much to me. I don’t want to sound mawkish, but – it was the realization that I have a great many people in my life who really love me, and who I really love.
Gabriel Byrne

Is feeling scorned better than feeling nothing at all?

I do not know if I have mentioned it to you before, but I get very involved emotionally in hour long shows that I binge watch either online, on my phone or through our gaming system. I was watching one of my faves the other night and the raw emotion of a trouble relationship brought memories flooding back. The feeling was so familiar and wrought with anxiety and yet I felt comforted by it. 

Was I comforted by the person that tore my heart apart when I felt that way long ago, or was I comforted because of memories that were sweet when I thought the relationship would be a forever bond? Doesn’t that  kind of  make me a sick puppy to long to feel that feeling that one gets only when involved in a romantic relationship when they are going through intense scorn or pain?

Maybe it does, but it only shows me that I really really really need to think about romantic love. Just because I am a single mom and I devote every second of my life to my kid, doesn’t mean that there isn’t another part of me locked away ready to appear again. That hidden part of myself is  kind of like the Bogart,  in The Prisoner of Azkaban (for all of you HP fans),  that is locked up in a trunk just waiting for the chance to morph into a memory or fear of someone because being a fear is better than being locked down and forgotten.

Okay bad analogy here perhaps, but I am hoping that you get my point. I have pushed that sentimental/romantic/relationship side of myself so far away that I get an emotional reaction from a television series and start reminiscing. That is not only sad, but it is telling of how much I need to say no to others and yes to myself. Pray for me people. I am scared to death of a relationship, but one part of me is dying to be in one.

Oh, back to sticking to my September resolutions, I have not “moved” enough. But on the bright side I have eaten pretty healthy since my post. Not perfect, but an 80 percent improvement or something like that.;) I have only said yes to one commitment and I found another job! It is not my dream job, but it will pay the bills until I can find what I really want. So now I have two part time jobs.

Now I have to make out a schedule because planning makes me happy. Once I feel settled again in my life I will prioritize prayer and physical fitness. Its like my finances are falling into place, I have decided what I am committing to and what I am not:).  With all of those pieces placed strategically, my physical and mental health will naturally improve. As much as I live a crazy and hectic life, I have to have a kind of order to it so that I can function happily and so that things get done in a timely fashion.

Feeling good tonight. I am very tired so I am going to listen to my body for once and get some rest. That is a HUGE part of what I am going to have to be consistent about while trying to be as physically fit as I can be-sleep. I read somewhere today that people that sleep 7 hours or less are 15 percent more likely to be overweight. So tonight, I am going for my 7. Hope that you all have a bright side to your dilemma or drama today.

Have faith and God will prevail. Though I am not completely satisfied with the way things are in my life right now, I feel that things are improving. We can’t say to God: “Please fix my life!”, and actually expect results without playing a role in the repairs. God gives us free will true enough, but if we do not use that and our brains to propel ourselves forward HE is not going to do it all for us. We have to work for it, want it and do what it takes to actually deserve it. Prayer, Faith, Hope and Love are keys to reaping our rewards…G’nite.

Enjoying doing nothing solo tonight, or am I?

My kid had a sleepover tonight for her best friend’s bday so we had to cancel our plans to go to a singalong for Sound of Music at Wolftrap tonight.  I didn’t make plans with anyone because most people have plans because it is a holiday weekend. I am really honestly not in the mood to see anyone. I think that I will go to my friend D’s house and help her pack a bit :(.  I am afraid to go over because seeing her home askew will make it so final.  You know? So, I sit here in Starbucks using the last of my gift card drinking my Macchiato and listening to Biggie Smalls on Pandora.:)  Sometimes I need a little old skool hip hop to keep me from being to reflective and serious.

I was lying on my back in the pool today on a pool noodle-that is one of the coolest inventions ever!  I looked up at the clouds and started a mini-meditation, involuntarily, because that is what I do when I am around water apparently. Especially a waterfall. I swear that I saw some of the clouds break off into different sizes of hearts. Then I started thinking: Am I watching too much Ally McBeal? My imagination and thought life has really exploded as of late! Then I started to wonder if love is missing from my life, romantic love.  But everytime my mind goes to that I shut down mentally because I soooooo suck at picking or judging men and relationships. I am the kind of girl that is very intuitive and perceptive, almost witchy, but let a guy pay attention to me and I will tune all of the signals and signs completely out.

What is that about? Daddy issues? Self-esteem issues? I really want to figure it out. It would be great to feel dateable again. I feel like because I don’t have a barrage of requests from men that perhaps I am out of the game for good. Granted I only go to kid friendly events for the most part. I go to a church with all old people. My kid is the only kid there! So no chance of meeting anyone there. Then I take my kid to the tennis club and yeah there are dads there but no single ones. Same with dance and her scouting troop. Is anyone divorced or single in this whole area? It is like Brady Bunch land with minivans everywhere.

I know that I am complaining over and over and over about it, but I have to stay in the burbs of the District for now and it is not a good fit. Gtown is a much better fit or Shurlington, but it is so expensive and when one does not have a job it is not easy to relocate. You know? So I will try to grin and bear being the only single parent in this area. I know that I am exaggerating a bit, I am sure that there are some but I have not met a single parent or a single person over 30 who I have something in common with. Either they want to stay home all of the time or they are in the club. I am so over clubs. Been over clubs since I was 25!

So what to do, what to do? For now, I guess work on my body so that I feel and look better. At the same time work on obtaining a job that will support us and work on resting and being at peace. It is this vicious cycle of me not sleeping enough, over doing it with caffeine to get by and even when I am resting like watching Downton Abbey or another series on Netflix, I am rarely focused. It sounds like ADHD or something, but I think that I am afraid to be still and pray and meditate. In doing so, it is like my problems will all come pouring down and be in the forefront. No more dancing around them. That scares me. I am going to try tonight to kneel beside my bed and pray and listen. I don’t expect GOD to say hey, get it together in a booming voice. But maybe I will gain some perspective or knowledge if I can be still and wait for HIS presence. I have never felt that. I have had feelings about doing or not doing things or about people or situations, but I have never felt like God was sitting right there with me and holding my hand or listening to me. I will try it tonight and report back. 

Now don’t get me wrong I am smart enough to know that this kind of thing is not easy to come by and it make take 50 times before it will happen or it may never happen. Sometimes I think that it has never happened to me because I am not pure of heart, or I think the worst of people before I think the best. Or because of the fact that I don’t give people the benefit of the doubt a lot of the time. How or why would God give me a chance if I don’t do the same for others? But then I look at the way that I treat people and how I empty out my purse for the MDA firefighter on the corner or take the lifeguard at the pool a sandwich and think-well I am not all that bad am I? It’s kind of like I think because I am opinionated and have attitudes towards people that God is in some way punishing me. Then I get into the comparison game and think of all the people that I know that aren’t believers, or are super selfish and they seem so fortunate. How are they so blessed in so many ways? Then I remind myself again of good health, my daughter and my mom and feel so completely rewarded and and thankful. But I want some of the other things to. I wonder if it is possible for me or is it that I am not just worthy? That is the million dollar question..

 

Psalms 46:10  He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
    I will be exalted among the nations,
    I will be exalted in the earth.”

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