Hope everyone had a Thanksgiving to be thankful for…

I am slowly moving out of my funk. I am trying to seek a real job. I am thinking about getting another degree. Silly? Perhaps,but my options are running out. So, back to Thanksgiving. I am so happy that we had a place to go with good food, conversation and laughter. I was completely chill just staying home under the covers and watching Christmas movies with my daughter. We planned to put decorations on the tree because we put it up that Wednesday. 

Anyway, we did not decorate. We spent from 2 to 9 pm with our friends and it brought me back to southern Thanksgiving dinners at my grandmother’s. This is the first year that she was not around because she passed away in March, so I know that dinner down south was so different for my family. Well, my friend did not disappoint. She had collards, yams, ham, turkey, potato salad. It was a soul food throw down!:) She had awesome appetizers and we had red wine with dinner. Nice meal.

Then her hubby went to lie down and the kids went to play and we sat and talked and talked. I really needed that, you know? Sometimes satan wants us to feel isolated. Like we have nowhere to go and no one to listen to us, but it is such a fallacy! Most of us who have lived normal lives and treated others well and been a normal part of society do have people that pray for us and care for us. We may have people that are praying for us that we have no clue about. It could be the service desk worker that you have gotten to know at your favorite store. It could be the older woman who sits alone at church who you make time to talk with. 

I am a lot of things right now-stressed, concerned, wanting CHANGE in my life so desperately. But one thing I am sure of is that I am loved. We are loved. There are bad people in the world. But there are good people that are available to us that many of us do not appreciate or take the time to get to know. Would I have rather been with a husband of my own and my daughter that night? Sure. Do I want to meet a great man to step in and help me raise my child because her father does not? Yes of course. But apparently God is not ready for me to be with someone. Or, God is preparing him to come into my life. Or preparing my heart. The same heart that has anger and pain and resentment buried behind it.

Today I am hopeful. I desire a different life. A better life. Don’t get me wrong, I am thankful for where I live and would not trade my kid for a trillion dollars. I have friends and a full calendar. But I am not where I need to be financially and I long for romantic love. But, today I feel blessed and I awaiting God’s go ahead for me to be in a better place-emotionally, romantically and financially.

I am claiming it! I am going to have my sunny day. My turn at ‘happy days’ and ‘everything is coming up roses’ is where I am headed! If you feel sad or trapped or confused, just seek the Most High in all that you do and you may not get the answer you want, but you will find comfort. You also will have a friend by your side that will never leave you and always love you. I may not have God all figured out, but some of the situations I should have not made it out of alive, let me know that God has to have a purpose for me. I am still here for a reason. For THAT I give a prayer of gratitude and thanksgiving.

So, should I get a Crisis Management job like Olivia Pope or is Social Media Manager a bit more, hmmm calm?

I am contemplating trying to get a job working for a Crisis Management firm. Before my current ADDICTION to Scandal, I never really knew those jobs existed. I knew about PR firms and such, but Crisis Management encompasses Law and PR and Social Media. It is exciting and stressful and can many times be very high profile in this area (DC). It is interesting to know that Judy Smith is the person who Scandal was created for. It is of course a loose interpretation of her life. But still!

I am ready to start an exciting career. Something I love. I am so good at social media and I do it for a couple of organizations which is another reason that I do not write in this blog a lot. But it is safe and second nature to me. Crisis Management is harried and crazy and unpredictable. I think that having a kid would make it super duper tricky, but I am really ready to shake things up a bit. Everything is so humdrum as of late and I am looking to change my life.

So, what to do what to do. Realistically speaking, I am probably not qualified to do CM, but a girl can dream:) As silly as it may sound, I am finding strength in the drama of Olivia Pope. I feel like I can do anything and nothing can get in my way of achieving my dreams. The truth is, that if we all thought that way and spoke positive affirmations to ourselves and about ourselves that we would not have to be empowered by a fictional character. 

I know that the Bible should be my guide. I should feel pumped up and protected and strong by its words. But the fact of the matter is that I do not read the Bible like I used to. I ask people’s opinions, I watch tv shows, I blog about things. Why can’t I bring myself to be disciplined enough to sit down and read the wonderful lessons that the Lord laid right out there for us to show us about our lives on earth.

I do not know if it is the type of language used, or if the situations do not seem to apply to what is happening in 2013, or if I am afraid. Afraid to let God reveal to me HIS plan. Or maybe I do not prioritize my relationship with God like I do my tv shows! It is embarrassing to say it! But I am slack in my relationship with God at times. I am a deacon at my church, I do social media for my church and yet I am not reading my Bible and praying as I should. I should be ashamed, but I think that I am in a rut.

A spiritual rut, a career rut, a lack of relationship rut. I am just feel so disconnected to everyone around me. And everything. I am going to try so hard to start doing the one-a-day Bible reading program. I feel that it is hypocritical of me to discuss Christian topics when I am not reading the playbook that God left for us. So, starting tonight I am going to read one verse. Not a whole chapter or book of the Bible, but one verse at a time.

It is so amazing that I always start writing about one thing and I always end up speaking about my faith, or lack thereof. I cannot imagine what it is like for someone who does not believe that there is a Higher Power. I truly feel so sorry for them. Though I am a clearly flawed Christian, a night or day does not go by where I do not think of God or thank HIM for something. Good night friends. Have faith or reach out to God and find some. It will make a difference in everything that you do…

Is fear age-related, or based on experience alone???

When I was young I used to be fearless. I wore what I wanted, hung out with who I wanted (which was dangerous in the closed-minded south), I almost always said what I wanted. I had self esteem issues, but they were not obvious. I seemed to be the kind of person that did not fear much and felt secure about who I was. That is true to a degree. 

Now, rewind a couple of decades. I am afraid to date. Afraid to go out and try new things. I do not go much out of my comfort zone. I am far from a wallflower, but also far from the brazen girl I was in my late teens. I can’t figure out if it is because I am a mom now, or is it because I have loss that glimmer that I had. One friend’s mom told me 20 years ago that I was different and I had-PIZAZZ. I thought that was an awesome compliment. 

I think that I still am different and unique and not like the identical jello molds of women that surround me and club and troop and athletic classes my kid is in. I have a vitality and special quality that separates me from the herd.A big part of it is that I am naive at heart. 

I still believe that true love is out there for me. I still strike up conversations with people everywhere I go, imagining that people are good and that there is an opportunity in some of them to form a friendship. I still marvel at the beauty of fall as if I am a child seeing an autumn colored leaf for the very first time. I continue to get an excited feeling around Christmas time and I wish desperately that Santa could make my wishes come true. I wholeheartedly list my resolutions for the New Year and believe ferociously that the next 12 months will change my life/attitude/situation (every year). Most importantly, I still believe that somewhere in the depths of all of my feelings that I never get what I want or what I feel that I deserve, that GOD has a plan for little ole me.

So why the fear? Is it because fear is safer? If I fear, then I do not get too involved, therefore do not get attached enough to hurt. If I fear, then I hold myself back from disappointment. I don’t think half empty in these fearful situations, I more so just do not believe that there is anything at all in the glass.  Regardless of what reason I fear, I do believe that is holding me back from; achieving my dreams, getting that job, meeting that guy, getting the body I want. The fear of God is supposed to be the only fear that we have, so why do I give in to all of this worldly fear?

I think because it is hard to be on the Godly path all of the time. Especially for me in thought processes. I can treat people well, give of myself, do good deeds, volunteer my services, etc. But when I am alone and I start thinking too much, I go from praise to crazed. I doubt myself and others and think the worst about people and I use negative ideas about them to cushion my heart. Maybe my rejection of their having good intentions shields me in the event that they do not. No matter, I really have no choice but to work on this fear thing, because it is not helping me in my life and I am sure that it is not a good influence on my kid. From this moment forward I will work on replacing negative thoughts with positive ones. I will believe the best in others and I will try not to condemn someone before getting to know them. 

I will keep you guys posted on my anti-fear project. Maybe admitting it is the first and most important step to my reaching success. Here’s hoping…:)

Sometimes I feel like breaking down and crumpling on the floor…

Featured

I can’t begin to tell you how my year has been, or maybe I can…I moved, I lost a job, I found a job, I lost a job, I got my Master’s degree. I had a temporary job, I lost my cat of two decades while having guests over for a month. I started two part time jobs that recently ended because they were for a specified time. I got extremely disappointed in a friend who I have bent over backwards to support and had another friend flee because I did not meet her demands. 

Fast forward to today. I took my car in and the brakes were badddd…It was going to cost 950 dollars. Either God was standing on that guys conscience, or he saw how panic stricken I looked, or more likely something divine happened because he reduced it to 731-which is still bad when you are broke. Then he called the credit company associated with them and I was approved for 700 dollars!  My credit is just mediocre after years of being married to an irresponsible person who did not do the right thing money wise or marriage wise-that is another story.

So, I was literally crying tears of joy and had to take a moment like John Cage on Ally McBeal.  I was so overwhelmed with God’s grace and this man’s kindness that I had to step away to deal.  My beautiful daughter said: “mommy, are you alright?”  I said, “yes, I am just so thankful that God allowed this to happen.” (or something like that)

Now I know that it is en vogue to “hate God” or all that is deemed “religious”.  Well if that is how you feel, then I truly feel sorry for you. I by no means have life or God all figured out, but I know that there is a God. I can feel it in my bones and during times like this. The thing is, I don’t read the Bible hardly every anymore and I have been to church only twice this summer.  But during the year we go every week because we are very involved in the church. I have a few roles that are important in the church and my child is involved in the children’s ministry with the other church that shares our building that are a different nationality, but it works!~

The point is, you do not have to be perfect and no every Bible scripture to have faith or be a Christian. In my humble opinion, you just have to believe that things will improve or that there is someone on your side. You have to treat people well and give of yourself to others and step away from a life of selfishness.  I have never had a problem with being selfish, but it is so hard for me to treat people that are not good to me in a kind manner.  I want to make them feel bad or to unfriend them, or sometimes use their head as a punching bag-only kidding;).  

I am separated, have little money, no job, honest to God little hope and yet I am still moving and grooving through life with a smile on my face. Of course I don’t want to talk much to people now and of course I have been a little more annoyed with people lately, but it is because I am stressed the heck out! Anyone would be.

A big problem is that people in this affluent bubble that I live in don’t get it and don’t care too. I am beginning to think that I don’t really have any friends here. My good friend is moving soon and one friend who I considered my best one here is just so cookie cutter/Stepfordesque that I can’t hardly stand to be around her anymore.  I just can’t. Maybe it is my issue, but she has never suffered. She has always had financial security without earning it herself. She hangs around other little perfect versions of herself.

I am the eclectic one. The stand on her own though it may be hell on earth kind of gal. I am very opinionated, which is not very WASP of me. I married someone outside of my race. I finished college later than most and the same with my 2nd degree. I am beautiful but have no banging body-about 45 pounds away from that! I am smart and creative and lovely and different and lonely and bitter all in one package. I exude confidence but I am my worst enemy. I want to have my fair chance. My good stretch of things. My kid and the fact that I am alive and well is all that I can hold on to. Literally. And, that is where my faith comes into play.

If I did not have it, I could not put two feet in front of the other and teach my child and nurture her and expose her to culture and love and the beauty around us. I talk to her like a person. I tell her things that I wasn’t told on her level of course. My mom says that I tell her too much and maybe I do. But I wasn’t told that my father was not a good person and it wasn’t my fault. I wasn’t talked to about the women we caught him with. I wasn’t able to open up to my mother and I really became screwed up as a result.

Truth and faith are what is keeping me going other than the miracle that God brought into my life when he gave me a child.  If that is all that I have to go on, then I will take it. Faith will guide me to my destiny and I am going to be a half-full type of girl and say that it is going to be a heluva fabulous and wonderous journey.

I surrender to the gift that faith is…So that your faith might not rest in the wisdom of men (human philosophy), but in the power of God. 1 Corinthians 2: 5

P.S. I am human, so I may not say things in a pretty way all of the time but I want to be completely authentic with my feelings.