I have been gone for a couple of months and now I am back…

Hi guys!

Most of you have probably given up on me and my blog and I am sorry if you feel that way. But I however, have been having quite a bit of fun. I have this new best friend as I mentioned a few months back and between going to the gym with her, hanging out with she and my daughter and working, taking classes, and other life duties-I am busy. I however feel that I need to pull back a little. Even in friendships, being there for your friend all of the time is not a good idea. I feel sometimes that one of the people gets taken for granted. I am not saying this is happening in my situation, I am just saying that it can and will happen more than likely. 

I have met a couple of other awesome women in the last week, one through my sales/advertising job and the other while my daughter and I were ice skating. I feel like good people are coming into my life because it is my time. My time to be happy and feel positive and free and confident in knowing that I am a good person and that I deserve to be around good people that treat me well. I think that I can sometimes give too much of myself to people though and I really am going to try to reel that in a bit. Because I have not been with my husband for almost 5 years, it gets a bit lonely sometimes-not often, but I pour the extra time into other people.

From now on, I am going to pour that time into myself and my daughter as well. She is really the most important thing in my life and for the last few months, I have been doing more without her and it is has been fun. But, there is an emptiness when I am out doing other things sometimes and I wonder why the hell I am out when I could be with her. Her whole life I never really went anywhere with friends and now I am trying to re-discover who I am and what I want. It is a bit scary and I need to realize that only God can help me get to that point. Not man. 

Have a great and blessed night and Sunday!!!

Why do we all, the we includes me, put soooo much faith in man

I recently got very disappointed in a friend who did not respond the way that I thought she would, or should. I got a new job and I expected a call or tons of questions about the job, but instead I got a half-hearted congrats. I do not think that she meant anything by it, because she is not a jump up and down with excitement kind of person, But to not return a call about it, it kind of hurt me. I am not going to lie. If the shoe were on the other foot, I would be so happy and wanting to know all details. Hell, the shoe has been on the other foot and I was OVERJOYED. But that is just it, we have different styles of love or love languages or whatever you call it.

I am a bit time sharer with people that I love. If you are in my life and I call you a friend, then you are family to me. I do not play games, or have tons of secrets, I am just me and I am very open. I will give the shirt off of my back. I am not needy, I just love to give to people and I love to take care of people by being supportive and helping them in any way that I can. Maybe for some that is overwhelming. 

I was raised in a solid background with a family that did not have people in and out of jail or drunks or addicts for relatives. I am from a boring and quiet middle class family that does not want anything from me and is not “out to get me”. I think that people that came up “hard” have a thicker outer skin. They do not share as much. They feel that they have to be more secretive and as a result shut people out without even realizing it. But it kind of hurts a little. 

Sound silly that I am speaking about a friendship this way? Sorry if it does, but it is on my heart and when I love, I love deep. That goes for family, friends, romantic interests. And when I am done with someone, I am really really done. So, I pray that things become okay with me and this friend and that I do not start acting different towards this person because that will not help things. AT ALL. But if you ever feel this way and feel this way and feel that you are going above and beyond to be a friend and they are not, pull back and give yourself and that person space.

Maybe God is trying to reveal something to you about the person, maybe God is trying to have you focus more on HIM, or maybe this person is a bit self-centered and there is nothing that you can do to change that. Instead, be around people that want to spend time with you and value you as a person. Do not make yourself so at the ready for these folks, especially if they do not do the same for you.

Good night my friends. Have a Happy MLK Jr holiday tomorrow!!

Glad to have a friend-not sure about much else…

So, my friend took me to dinner for a belated celebration. We ate at the bar of  a pretty decent restaurant that belongs to a very popular restaurant group in DC. It is crowded 24/7, so the bar was the smart place to eat. We chatted and I had a drink and we ate and I drank one more drink. Then it was straight up water and conversation.

I was so happy to be out with one of my best friends ever, but the night was off kilter for some reason. She started chatting up this very handsome man next to her who was also married and very interesting. He is from another country, but has been in the US awhile and he told us so much about his culture. I really liked him as in I could be a friend of his. Cool kind of guy.

Then he had this “used car salesman” friend who kept getting calls. These guys were easily late 40’s. I would be willing to say the ‘slick’ one is probably 50ish. Who races off on their phone that much at 10 at night in their 50s? He was like a wanna be player or something. I wasn’t feeling him as much.

Anyway, a majority of the night was talking to these people whom we will never see again probably and then we left the spot and walked to our cars and boom, the night was over. My friend started telling me how badly she wanted me to meet someone and why did I not get the unmarried guy’s number and I was just confused by it all. He did not make a pass as far as I can tell. He was not my type and honestly, I do not feel like there is a guy for me at all in the DIstrict.

I do not want to put negativity out there, but it seems that way. I think that my friend just wants me to be happy. All of her friends are married with supportive husbands and 2.5 (or more children) with the family dog and mini-van. It is a picture that I somehow envy and fear at the same time. Then she speaks of inviting her good friend to dinner next time and I kind of attacked by saying that I could not go to dinner with her perfect friend with her first world problems.

Whoa, it is my issue right? But the conversation between us was going weird and I know that she meant well, but I already felt strange about how the night went and how the talk was turning into how I never try to meet anyone. I am gorgeous she says. I wanted to scream, “IF I AM, WHY IS THERE NO ONE FOR ME?” But I just told her nicely that I felt that Dc did not have my kind of men. Or at least the suburban guys. They either wear polos or khakis all of the time, or shorts and flip flops. I feel that the rural counties in VA take holiday in DC on the rare occasions that I go to dinner with a friend. Like the fashion police of the District is on break when I go eat and I am stuck with poorly dressed tourists, or just men who have never had any style.

I am not snobby towards guys. I am actually very nice. But I never feel that I am anyone’s type. It isn’t my friend’s fault. But, when I go out with her and her cute little self, I feel that she is Charlotte and I am a mixture of Miranda and Carrie. Half cynical and half all over the place. I feel that I am missing that backyard barbecue experience of a sprawling suburban home. That, “let’s have a neighborhood holiday party” (Halloween, Christmas-take your pick), where friends are at the ready and there is something to be a part of.

I am the free thinker. The artistic one. The person who is not traditional in that I am a single parent, but I am not dating. I attend church often.  I work odd jobs though I am educated so that I can stay home with my kid. The one that sacrifices self to better my child’s life. The unmarried, apartment dweller with a full schedule, but a seemingly empty life.

I feel pitied sometimes and that makes me sad and angry. I feel like the girl at school with no prom date. The beautiful one left behind because of some flaw that can not be glossed over. Part of it is me, but part of it is that we are so totally different. She is cared for, I am the one doing all of the caring. She is supported, I am the supporter. She has someone to protect and look out for her. I am that for myself and my child.

She is everything I am not and that is okay in fundamental ways. Like I love the freedom I have to go where I want with my daughter when I want because I do not have several children holding me down. I love that I am an out of the box thinker and that I do not have the views or experiences of every one around me. I love that I do not always fit in and that I can be an individual.

I also hate that I do not fit in. I hate that I am alone. I hate that there is no man there to hold my hand and let me know that things are okay. I have no one to support me if I can’t find work. I am still fairly young and I am dependent on myself and I am failing miserably at being a provider. I provide love and support (non-monetary), but I am not making the bills. I need a man for that right?

So, I do not know if it is the a-a-a-a-a alcohol or if it just that she knows my history and she loves me and wants to fix me. Or if she feels that I am fabulous but need work or help. But lately when I get together with her, I realize that we are on 2 very different planets and I hope that we do not drift so far apart on our paths that there is nothing left. 

I should feel good when I go out because it is so seldom. I should come home refreshed and relaxed. instead I came home with the urge to let all of my feelings out onto this computer screen for fear of bursting if I did not put it all out there. Thanks for reading and hearing me out as I sort out my jumbled emotions. Thank God that I am not a heavy drinker or a regular drinker. This line of thinking is too heavy to carry around all of the time.:)

 

Eight hours at the pool did not disappoint. So why the sad face???

We spent 8 out of the 9 hours that the pool was open, right there in the water enjoying the sun and fun. We splashed, played, swam, had fun with the awesome Eastern European lifeguards that we got to know all summer. It was a great day. I bought a pizza to share with the lifeguards and later a snack and a soda. We were per our tradition, the last to leave the pool. I get so desperate the last few minutes of being there to soak up every bubble and stroke. I jump from pool to pool until the lifeguards say that that is it. Time for the chemicals mean time to say goodbye to another summer.

I am trying so hard to embrace the recent changes of our friends that left on July 31st, my jobs ending, the pool closing, my neighbor leaving on Saturday, etc. I have this child-like quality in that I do not embrace change well. At all. It is sucky living in the DC area because so often people are here for short amounts of time because of military or contract work, or people move and retire to somewhere “slower” and “cheaper”.  The core of the people that I know are families of children that I have taught or cared for and although some of them are my daughter’s best friends and they are solid and good people, they are not my friends. I could call them in a pinch, but I would not do a “mom’s night out” with them.

So, I am faced with getting myself together tonight. Tomorrow is a new day. Back on the health regimen that we have strayed so far from because of guests and travel and constant events. The start of lesson plans with my daughter, the hardcore job search and letting go of what was. I have had a tough year in many respects and as part of the renewal of fall I am going to move forward in this new season a less-burdened woman. I am going to take care of my body and mind, approach each day as an opportunity and not another day to be disappointed. I am going to have faith that this new season will bring good things and among them, better opportunities for us. I believe that through God’s grace that things will improve and that new people will come into our lives that will add to us rather than deplete us or cause us ill will.  

I am going to take time out everyday for 5 minutes to thank God for His many blessings given to us and ask for prayers for whatever I am working with. I really need to have a prayer life. I feel that if I designate time for God that he will open doors for me. I make time to do thing for the church, but I feel phony sometimes because I feel that the God/child of God relationship is lacking and that is my bad. 

Here’s to a new start…