Whoa…It is almost February. I am still writing, but apparently not on WP???

Hi guys!

Crazy year. I have a new job!!! Yes, I finally landed a professional non-kid related job. So excited/nervous/scared/happy. I went on my first date in 11 years (since before my husband). I have been doing nights out sans my kid. Five nights to be exact! Four of the nights she was at sleepovers with family and friends and her scouting group and one night I had dinner with my friend for a couple of hours. But anyway, I am doing things for me. Finally,and it feels good. I have been doing social media for my church again, not enough but trying to get it going again. I have also been trying to plan trips out of state-3 planned already. Two without my child. I am not going crazy, or going through a mid-life crazy crisis or anything, I am just trying to “do me”. Have you ever heard that statement? Well if you have not, it means that I am taking care of myself and doing for myself and putting myself as a priority for once in my life.

My daughter is still so important. She is still my heart, but now when she has a church lock-in, I make plans to get a room in the city and hang out with a friend and crash in the hotel instead of going back home. Before, I would go to a movie alone or stay home or meet a friend for a lame meal. I am trying to live again. No I am not going crazy with men or dancing on bars, but I am just trying to recapture a bit of me that has been lost, while at the same time putting my daughter first. 

At times I feel guilt, because now I am opening up my social world so much that I am sharing my time and conversations with more people that just one or 2 friends and my daughter and my mom. My daughter is noticing a bit, but like I told her, in 8 years she will be grown and if I don’t change things, I will be alone. So that is what I am doing. I kept the orchid from my first date, but dropped the guy-way too pushy. But I am going to keep trying and going and laughing and loving. That is what life is about.

My daughter is still my everything, but I have made room for more things, and I am trying to let myself realize that that is okay too. I don’t want to let her little life slip by and feel like I have missed out on things, but when she is out playing and hanging with her friends, I am going to follow suit because mom is getting no younger either. I am still trying to keep God and faith at the forefront, which often time lacks when one is out having fun. I have made a challenge to praise God everytime I do social media. God is going to be soooo happy with me from all of that praising!

Good night my friends and readers. I promise to write much more. I started taking 2 classes again!!! So, there are reasons I have not been on. PS-I have started hardcore exercise regimen! Barre class tomorrow!

Smooches:)

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I am back and stronger than ever!

2013 was a bust in several ways: my grandmother died (God rest her soul), my almost 20 year old cat died, I had to move to another place, job losses. But, the fact that myself, my child and other family and friends made it to 2014 alive, made it a great year. I have been so extremely busy for the last 30 plus days with travel, guests, events, parties and now is a time to get it together. Decide my path. Make my way. 

For starters, I have a new bestie. I know it sound silly. I am a grown woman with a child and that is the first thing I mention is that I have a best friend. Well, it is odd because I have known her for 2 years. But over the last month, I have gotten to know her more and I realize that this is what has been missing up here in DC! A running/hanging partner. I have a lot of friends/acquaintances here, but I feel in this land of suburbia and perfection,that I rarely if ever am just myself. I am with my daughter and friends from back in the day whom I chat with over the phone that love other places. But I have not met a friend in 10 years in this area that I can 100 percent be myself with and that is huge! I do have the “3 am” friends here. I can call people and trust them with my child. That is freaking golden too. But to be able to have a friend that you can be crazy with, angry around, bare your soul to and at the same time laugh with is priceless. I told her last night that I am going to give her a friendship bracelet and as goofy as it may seem, I might. A girl can never let her bestie know enough how much she is appreciated.

Secondly, I have lost 20 lbs. Remember all of the blogs about getting spiritually and physically fit? Well, at least I am losing weight. I am trying to workout at least 180 minutes per week. Let’s see how the spiritual will turn out. I hope equally as well. Who am I fooling? I hope better.

Third-I have decided to accept people for what they have to give and who they are and not put so much faith in “man.” My faith is in Jesus Christ my Lord and Savior and I am not a judge or a jury. If people are not as loving or as giving or as available as I would love for them to be, well that is on them. No longer am I going to be disappointed in what people are not. I am going to embrace them and appreciate them for what they are and if they are not a positive in my life, then I will kick them to the curb. Sounds harsh? But it really does make sense…

Lastly, I am going to step out on faith in a big way and try out dating. I want someone in my life. For a decade my child has been my all, especially after splitting from my husband. She is my number one priority, but I am still attractive and somewhat young. I want to have a partner in life and going to playdates is not going to get one. I am not rushing out to clubs and bars, but I have joined a few Meetup groups that would be conducive environments for meeting eligible suitors. 

This is actually the last thing, but in my effort to get right in every way I can, I am going to blog everyday again. I do not care if I tell you about how great my lunch was, or how much I enjoyed a movie. I love to write and it is such a healing and joyful exercise for me. I just hope that some of you have stuck with me and will continue to read and support me. I know that I may have lost some followers and have not gained any in awhile, but that is not the reason I want to write. I want to write because it is what I love and feel and it empowers and strengthens me. 

Please join me on my journey and feel free to comment along the way. Happy 2014. It is going to be a happy, happy New Year indeed!

I am good at inspiring other people. But I cannot set out my own life plan-why is that?

So, I have been inspired by tv lately. I want to have a career. I want to have excitement. But I do not know how to go about it. Flowchart? Poster board on the kitchen wall writing all of my hopes and dreams and challenges in marker? Or write in chalk on my kid’s easel so that I can change it, or erase it? I have fear. Fear of getting rejected. Flat out fear of falling on my face. Fear that I do not have a lot of work experience when many people my age have been working in a field for 15 or so years. I once again fall back on faith. 

I feel like this is the most pensive I have been in my life. Thinking all of the time and wondering and worrying and dreaming. It is like I am having an out of body experience and I am watching my life. I am critiquing myself as if it is not me. I am in this highly enlightened state and I do not even do drugs and it is not the 60’s and I am not getting a doctorate in philosophy. 

So, why all of the thinking? I do not know if God is bringing something great to me or if God is trying to show me something or show me how to get where I want to go and where He wants me to be. So, my posts may sound a bit redundant. Like a cat chasing its tail, but I am verbally working out all that is in my brain.

So please bear with me as I stumble towards all of this greatness. I have no choice but to believe that all of this unhappiness and uncertainty and much I have been stuck in is for a purpose. 

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

1 Corinithians 13:13

So, should I get a Crisis Management job like Olivia Pope or is Social Media Manager a bit more, hmmm calm?

I am contemplating trying to get a job working for a Crisis Management firm. Before my current ADDICTION to Scandal, I never really knew those jobs existed. I knew about PR firms and such, but Crisis Management encompasses Law and PR and Social Media. It is exciting and stressful and can many times be very high profile in this area (DC). It is interesting to know that Judy Smith is the person who Scandal was created for. It is of course a loose interpretation of her life. But still!

I am ready to start an exciting career. Something I love. I am so good at social media and I do it for a couple of organizations which is another reason that I do not write in this blog a lot. But it is safe and second nature to me. Crisis Management is harried and crazy and unpredictable. I think that having a kid would make it super duper tricky, but I am really ready to shake things up a bit. Everything is so humdrum as of late and I am looking to change my life.

So, what to do what to do. Realistically speaking, I am probably not qualified to do CM, but a girl can dream:) As silly as it may sound, I am finding strength in the drama of Olivia Pope. I feel like I can do anything and nothing can get in my way of achieving my dreams. The truth is, that if we all thought that way and spoke positive affirmations to ourselves and about ourselves that we would not have to be empowered by a fictional character. 

I know that the Bible should be my guide. I should feel pumped up and protected and strong by its words. But the fact of the matter is that I do not read the Bible like I used to. I ask people’s opinions, I watch tv shows, I blog about things. Why can’t I bring myself to be disciplined enough to sit down and read the wonderful lessons that the Lord laid right out there for us to show us about our lives on earth.

I do not know if it is the type of language used, or if the situations do not seem to apply to what is happening in 2013, or if I am afraid. Afraid to let God reveal to me HIS plan. Or maybe I do not prioritize my relationship with God like I do my tv shows! It is embarrassing to say it! But I am slack in my relationship with God at times. I am a deacon at my church, I do social media for my church and yet I am not reading my Bible and praying as I should. I should be ashamed, but I think that I am in a rut.

A spiritual rut, a career rut, a lack of relationship rut. I am just feel so disconnected to everyone around me. And everything. I am going to try so hard to start doing the one-a-day Bible reading program. I feel that it is hypocritical of me to discuss Christian topics when I am not reading the playbook that God left for us. So, starting tonight I am going to read one verse. Not a whole chapter or book of the Bible, but one verse at a time.

It is so amazing that I always start writing about one thing and I always end up speaking about my faith, or lack thereof. I cannot imagine what it is like for someone who does not believe that there is a Higher Power. I truly feel so sorry for them. Though I am a clearly flawed Christian, a night or day does not go by where I do not think of God or thank HIM for something. Good night friends. Have faith or reach out to God and find some. It will make a difference in everything that you do…

FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT! Is it part of being a woman, or just because I live in the DC area?

So, I have not been on here in a little while because I have been putting out what I feel like are fires all over the place. Okay, so we are not evicted, which was almost the case 2 weeks ago because of a neighbor who has taken revenge on us ever since I made a noise complaint in March. I had to fight to tell them that I am not the noise maker. To fight to tell them that they have no proof. Fight to say, “what happened to mediation?” Fight to say I felt that I was being discriminated against. The eviction letter got voided. But since then, my car has been tampered with and now there are 2 long scratches down my car. 

So, I call my mom to tell her how I feel and what my plan is and she tells me to do what she always does-LIE DOWN AND GET SCR—–. Do not get me wrong, I do love my mother. She has helped me financially, has been like one of my best friends, is a wonderful grandmother, but she does not stand up when it counts.

She stayed married to my “father” for 17 years while he cheated the ENTIRE TIME! Then she got married when I went to college to someone who was described by one of her lifelong friends as “socially retarded”. He wanted her to stay home and be up under him to get fat with her and to have no friends with him and most of the time, she did. Then he died of cancer-GOD rest his soul. I was not fond of him, but it was an aggressive cancer. So a year later she went on a date with someone from childhood and married him a year later. He too is grouchy and jealous, but is much better than the first two. Bottom line, she has to have someone around to fight her battles.

I am either not as good at attracting men, God is sparing me from the bad ones, or I am over it all together. The point is, right now my only recourse is to take up for myself. I am about to enter a legal battle over housing discrimination. I do not have a full time or good paying job, I have several part time gigs. But I am going to make it through. Today my daughter asked me if God was going to reward us for good behavior-ever. I told her that our life is actually pretty good, but I totally can understand and relate to how she feels.

What I told my child was:”No matter what happens, I will protect you. Having a man around is wonderful, but sometimes that does not happen. Sometimes women have to stand up for themselves, actually we have to a lot.” I wanted to tell her that her dad sucks and that he is a weakling and he does not do what he is supposed to do and if he did none of this would have happened. I have told her before that we should call her dad and ask him to say something to the neighbor and she basically let me know that he was too wimpy to help out.

Have I mentioned before how insightful and on point my kid is? I feel that sometimes there is too much pressure on her as an only child because she is always with me,so she knows what is going on. I can only pray that God allows relief to flood into our life. I can’t be a warrior and gladiator 24/7 like Olivia Pope does. I do not have a boyfriend like she does. I certainly do not have the POTUS protecting me all of the time and making sure no one hurts me.

I want to get on my knees and pray. I really really do. I just do not have it in me to ask God to help me with this. I really want to, but sometimes I feel like my prayers do not matter. That is not having faith I know, but I really do try. I had a breakdown last week. I was weepy and sad, which is not me at all. It totally is not. But I am seriously feeling as if I do not know what to do.

If anyone is reading this, pray for us please. I know that you do not know us. I know that these matters may seem very trivial. But they are not. Being worried about having a job that will fully support us, being worried about what else will happen in regards to my living situation and figuring out how to continue to hold it together with all of the above going on is not easy. I seriously have to keep my daughter from feeling worry or stress.

I will try hard to get on my knees and believe. I will tell God that I know he has my back. I will thank and praise HIM through it all. I have no choice because after all-Faith is the only reason that I am still standing here. LITERALLY…

I have NEVER felt this tested in my life. EVER…

I feel like I am going through a bit of a personal hell in my life right now and I do not understand why. My kid and I almost got kicked out of our living situation today because of jerk neighbors that continuously harass us with noise, but complain if we make noise back. I have lived in my neighborhood as a renter for almost 10 years. I am a respectable person and I am respectful. I expect to be treated in the way that I treat people. I do not expect silence, but I do demand that people realize that they cannot do whatever they want without any repercussions. 

I have dealt with this jerk since March and things have been annoying and iffy the whole time. I received a cure or vacate notice in June and we both laid off and did not complain and let things ride for a long time after the letter. Last weekend he decided to act like an a– and have a bunch of people over and make ridiculous noise. I did not bang on the ceiling, but I made noise as well. Why it has been okay for him to act like a neanderthal and make excessive noise and I am supposed to swallow big spoonfuls of his sh– is beyond me.

I got the letter today to say that I would have to move because of excessive complaints against me. So, I went straight into survival mode. I went to a legal aid kind of website to get legal help and then I did something better. I went and spoke with the person that sent me the notice and her regional manager. I yelled, I cried, I spoke nicely, I spoke in a matter of fact way. I spoke with anger. I spoke with sincerity.

Thirty eight minutes later, the letter was rescinded. I still do not feel at peace though. What if this guy complains again? What if I do something that he perceives as retaliatory? Will we be kicked out of our home? Will we have to scrimp and scratch to move somewhere else? 

I can hardly think about how it would be to have to move somewhere else. We moved within our community in March and I pretty much did it alone. Our new place is cozy, yet larger. It faces the woods and the three fountain pools. It feels like we have a backyard, which we really do not because no one does in our area-all condos and townhomes!

But no matter, it is our home. Our good friend who is getting signed to an agency wants me to relocate to NYC if she makes it big so that I can be her publicist. In my teens and 20’s, I really wanted to live there. The DC area is more my speed. A bit slower, but still with tons of culture and arts. But with all of the drama that has been happening in my life lately with friends and jobs and now my living situation, I am all in.

My kid is going for an open audition in February. Our friend who is “making it” works there and feels sure that my child has what it takes to really go somewhere in the entertainment world. I never wanted that because I want my child to have a childhood. People have approached her ever since she was a baby about modeling or commercials. When she turned what I felt was the appropriate age, she auditioned and was signed with an agency outside of Baltimore. But it is a weak agency with no organization and few opportunities and her contract is up in March.

So, I am praying that she gets cast in something big. If only it pays for her college, I will be happy because she will have her dream and have her future set. She wants a career at it, and if she truly wants that and is not a child who is just dreaming, then I want it for her as well. But I am in no means pushing her into that life. I have always until now run from it. But with what is happening with us here, I am wondering if God has something big planned. I keep feeling pushed and pulled in everything that I do.

There is no peace. Nothing is working out the way that it should. Does it mean that I should step out on faith and move? Like-move away? Start fresh? Apply for jobs out of the area? I just do not know and I am not the type of person that can hear God speak to them. Perhaps that is a more advanced Christian, or someone who listens better, or someone other than I. 

I know one thing though, after the way things have been going for me lately I am going to spend a lot more time being still with God. Right now all that I want to do is cry and give up and rage and fall down. I cannot do that though. Not for myself, or my daughter or for God.

I am here on this earth for some reason and I will keep on trying to figure out what my purpose is. I know that I am here to be a mother, but I cannot imagine that I was put here to keep going through so much drama and very little light at the end of the tunnel. Pray for me people. I really really need it right now. 

Thank goodness that I still have faith. I would not be able to type on this blog if I did not. Good night and God Bless~

The Lord answered, “If you had faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say to this mulberry tree, ‘May you be uprooted and thrown into the sea,’ and it would obey you!

 Luke 17:6

 

The magic in everything

One reason that I enjoy being around my daughter-besides the fact that I love her-is that she finds magic in everything. In every moment. There is no dreary day in her life. Honestly, I am very similar. No matter what is going on in my life, I power through and try to enjoy every breath. Well most of the time:)

But the magic that kids have in their eyes and in their hearts is something that would be wonderful to be bottled. To uncork the bottle and sprinkle one dash of that joy and spark. One little pinch from the excitement we all felt as kids. How awesome that would be.

I remember the total elation I had when the Sears Christmas catalog came in the mail and I was so so excited to dog-ear the toy section. My wishes were endless. Everyone that I knew was the same way. We would talk about it at school and go over our selections. It is not that we were materialistic like today’s children. There just were not toy store in every shopping center. There was not an online to find out about all of the cool toys. This catalog was the one source. (well there were others, but this one was THICK)

I remember being so overjoyed to get my plastic kitchen that was shaped like animals. I think the fridge was a hippo and I remember how colorful it was. One Christmas I received a trampoline. I could not believe that it was for me! I spent the next 3 years on it religiously and then I became an adolescent…

Though all I am talking about is material items, times were different then. Christmas was different. It was special. Christ was at the center of it. The big stir about the gifts meant so much to children because we did not get gifts on a daily, weekly or monthly basis back then. Birthdays and Christmas were the big occasions. We had to wait all year to get the latest gadget.

Unlike today, where 8 year olds have better phones than some adults do.  My daughter has a friend in the first grade who has a laptop and an e-reader! What kid deserves that? Kids expect it though and get it. I could have demanded until I turned blue but I would have not had my demands met. Parents did not give their kids everything then.

My kid gets her share of things. Do not get me wrong! But she has no DS. Or laptop. Or Nook. Or Ipod. Maybe when she is a teenager she can have an Ipod. But why would I do it now? So that she could put earphones in and become a teenager at a young age, not communicating with me or anyone because she is so glued to a gadget? My friends say that I can set limits with it.

These same parents have given their children all of the aforementioned gadgets and they are speaking to me about limits? Okayyyy…The point is, why even get the item? Why buy something knowing that it will be an issue? 

Back to the magic. My kid has it. She still has young and innocent eyes. She finds wonder in a spider web. She is a bubbly and gregarious little person. She carries on clever and interesting conversations. She takes a break to play her Wii once or twice a week, but it is not an obsession. Because she does not have these handheld electronic versions of adult cigarettes at her beckon call, she can be a kid.

She can twirl and run and jump and dance. She can dream and paint and write and create. She can help me re-discover the magic in everything. From the pink sky at sunset to the drops of dew on morning moistened grass. Life is a mystery. Magic is in the air. Magic in her heart. It inspires everyone she meets. It makes them want to find the joy and innocence too. 

Thank God I have her here to remind me what really matters in life. The belief in things unseen and hope in things that seem hopeless. Not having to wait for Santa to believe in miracles, knowing that they are in the lives that we have been blessed with.

Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.  Proverbs 22:6

 

Letting go and letting GOD. Not just for AA apparently

I don’t know if you all know that Alcoholics Anonymous uses the slogan, “Let Go and Let God”, but they do. I know because a boyfriend of mine used to belong and I went before. It was awkward being there when I was not “one” of them. The information that they shared was soooo deeply personal that I wanted to shrink into the size of a fly and go towards the window hoping for a way out. Anyway, that is totally off of the subject.:) My whole point in saying this whole thing is that AA has it right. One truly has to surrender to a higher power.  That is “p.c.” for God.  

That is what I am trying to do. I tend to jump head first into everything. It seems more like butt first though because often times I am not using my brain when saying yes. I got a job offer the other day (the pay was cruddy) and I was so desperate to have the money that I didn’t think it over. There are a lot of negatives about it. Distance, wage, etc. But I either think so little of myself for accepting whatever is thrown my way, or think very little of God by taking scraps of jobs like that is all that I deserve. Now I know that Jesus wants us to help ourselves and not sit on a throne and expect everything to be thrown our way. I get that. But He also wants us to give up a little. Not the way you think. He wants us to give up a little pride, give up a little uneasiness, give up worry, fear, and have…FAITH. 

F-A-I-T-H. That is what this blog is all about right? Or it is supposed to be. But not just this blog. Love is about faith. Trust is about faith. Commitment is about faith. Hope is about faith. Joy (true Joy) is about faith. So why is it so hard? Is it because of the unseen that has us questioning or shaking in our boots? Because I can’t see Jesus in front of my face I just assume things won’t get done? Well, sometimes they will not. Sometimes they will and we think it took too long or was not on time. I am about to have some church up in here and tell you that the Lord is ALWAYS on time. I am not saying this because I always feel that. I am a doubter. I don’t doubt that Jesus exists, I just somehow believe that He isn’t always there when I need Him. Like maybe I am not important enough. Or worthy enough. Or good enough. Or pure enough. Or Christian enough.

Sometimes when I am at church, I feel like a fake and a phony. If you met me you would know that this could not be further than the truth. Perhaps because I went to one too many churches in the south growing up, maybe I feel like I am too worldly. Or too savvy. Or too fashionable. Like I am supposed to be long-suffering and repenting 24/7 or something. Maybe I am being a bit melodramatic or something. But I have people on my facebook who are Christian that watch Christian shows and listen to Chrisitian music and don’t use bad language. That is just not me.

I do love Christian movies that I have seen, though I have not seen many. I like gospel music a bunch. But I listen to top 40 and I watch chick flicks and action movies. I have a mouth like a sailor when talking to my ex or talking about him. I feel so ‘not perfect’. Then I realize that Jesus is the only perfect one to ever walk this earth. I know that I could do a whole bunch to clean up my spiritual life though and I am just not doing it. I mean I am no deviant or anything, but I don’t read the Bible enough or pray enough. I really am going to try to change that though. 

See, I am worrying. I am not letting go. I from this moment on have no choice but to let go and let God because if I do not, my way sure as heck will not get me even close to perfection. It also will not give me true joy or a piece of mind, and things that are meant for me will not line up according to His plan. Many people do not realize or do not think about it, but Jesus does have a plan for our lives and even though He is all powerful, we can mess it up. He gives us free will and if we do not live a good Christian life, or strive to, God is not going to let us receive all of the many blessings he has stored up for us. 

Why don’t you join me today and try to let go of ruling your own world and let God have a shake at it? I am going to do it. I will step out on faith because what have I got to lose? I think God knows what is best for me more than I do. Judging on my past experiences, I would say that His choices would likely serve me better than mine. Goodnight wordpress family. Time for me to chill and watch one of my hour long shows.

The weekend is around the corner!

Whether you’ve seen angels floating around your bedroom or just found a ray of hope at a lonely moment, choosing to believe that something unseen is caring for you can be a life-shifting exercise.
Martha Beck 

Eight hours at the pool did not disappoint. So why the sad face???

We spent 8 out of the 9 hours that the pool was open, right there in the water enjoying the sun and fun. We splashed, played, swam, had fun with the awesome Eastern European lifeguards that we got to know all summer. It was a great day. I bought a pizza to share with the lifeguards and later a snack and a soda. We were per our tradition, the last to leave the pool. I get so desperate the last few minutes of being there to soak up every bubble and stroke. I jump from pool to pool until the lifeguards say that that is it. Time for the chemicals mean time to say goodbye to another summer.

I am trying so hard to embrace the recent changes of our friends that left on July 31st, my jobs ending, the pool closing, my neighbor leaving on Saturday, etc. I have this child-like quality in that I do not embrace change well. At all. It is sucky living in the DC area because so often people are here for short amounts of time because of military or contract work, or people move and retire to somewhere “slower” and “cheaper”.  The core of the people that I know are families of children that I have taught or cared for and although some of them are my daughter’s best friends and they are solid and good people, they are not my friends. I could call them in a pinch, but I would not do a “mom’s night out” with them.

So, I am faced with getting myself together tonight. Tomorrow is a new day. Back on the health regimen that we have strayed so far from because of guests and travel and constant events. The start of lesson plans with my daughter, the hardcore job search and letting go of what was. I have had a tough year in many respects and as part of the renewal of fall I am going to move forward in this new season a less-burdened woman. I am going to take care of my body and mind, approach each day as an opportunity and not another day to be disappointed. I am going to have faith that this new season will bring good things and among them, better opportunities for us. I believe that through God’s grace that things will improve and that new people will come into our lives that will add to us rather than deplete us or cause us ill will.  

I am going to take time out everyday for 5 minutes to thank God for His many blessings given to us and ask for prayers for whatever I am working with. I really need to have a prayer life. I feel that if I designate time for God that he will open doors for me. I make time to do thing for the church, but I feel phony sometimes because I feel that the God/child of God relationship is lacking and that is my bad. 

Here’s to a new start…

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