So, my interview is Friday morning and I am deciding between hip/chic or conservative chic.

I have been so wrapped up in crazy silly stuff and now it is crunch time! I start my PR classes on Tuesday-longggg story and I have a job interview in 2 days. I feel like a bonafide grown up. About time, I have been one for 20 years! I feel so good and hopeful about what this year has to hold. Part of it is who I am surrounding myself with, the other part is my jumping in and taking the bull by the horns. Regardless, this is my freaking year and I am claiming it in Jesus’ name!

I keep getting caught up in the worldly and I have to remind myself that that crap-what the flesh wants is not what the soul needs. I want and need to live a Godly life, but when one is a single/divorcee Christian, it is hard. Men in my age group are still partying a lot-lame. Or, they want to get serious immediately. I am going to use this as a way to pray to God by asking God to put people in my life that are good for me and remove the others, as difficult as that it is to face or do.

I have this crazy desire to make this year so much better and different and awesome, but I am still the same person on the inside as I was years ago, in many ways. I have been a great mom and I have a graduate degree and I don’t drink and go out with men like I did in my 20’s, but I still have the same tendencies in certain situations whether I act on them or not. Most of the time I do not, but that co-dependency returns sometimes, but I have to talk myself off of the ledge because I do not want to return to that person just because I am single again.

I have actually been away from my husband for 4 1/2 years, but because I am now pursuing a dating life and opening myself up, the single lady thing is more predominant, or feels that way. So, my readers and friends, please pray for me that I will keep my heart open, but my mind closed to what is not good for me. I hope that your work week has been great and it is half over! Until tomorrow…

So, I created a dating profile…

I can’t believe that I am typing this. The girl who started this blog did not have the guts to do something like this. I am a gutsy chick, but I never thought I would go looking for love. I got a new haircut, lost a little weight, and bam! Profile. I have had over 600 hits and around 150 messages. That may be decent, but in this day and age of constant social media and electronics, it could be just average. Either way, it was a bit of an ego boost, I am not going to lie.

One of the first men to message me was my type. Tall, dark and handsome. Gorgeous, successful, etc. I left out one of “my type” characteristics-jerk. I tend to go after players, good-looking men or people who think they are God’s gift. I felt myself beginning to accept what he said. I was letting him call the shots and then I realized that I am a different woman than I was 11 years ago when I last dated. I am a little older, a little wiser, and a hell of a lot more schooled in the ways of men-being married to an adulterer will do that~

So, I decided to put him to the side and talk to a couple of the men that are decent. Good men that may not have the sex appeal, but have the heart appeal. But, some of these men are so serious! They want a wife to be the mother to their kids, or they want an instant and constant companion-they have nothing going on but their search for a woman. Or, they are decent men, but anatomy is still at the forefront of their minds.

Sending me a message how hot or sexy I am does not win brownie points. I want someone who understands that I have a child who is the center of my world. I want a man who can understand that I do not have unlimited time to give them unlimited attention. I used to think that if a guy wanted to be around me all of the time that it was endearing. Now I see that I was with controlling men. They would put me at the center of their lives, pull me away from my life and when they were over “us”, I would be devastated and have no friends available to hang with.

I am a grown woman now with responsibilities and if a man says in his profile that he wants to see his potential life partner everyday, I am not as attracted to that as I used to be. Some men have already given me their numbers for texting and I have had them for days, but I am not sure what I am looking for. I want a man to talk to. I want someone who would like to talk about our lives and what happened at work, or at a social outing. But I am not ready to change my lifestyle upside down for anyone.

So, I am not sure if I should be on this site. Am I wasting people’s time or am I feeding my ego? Well, anyway. I want to keep trying to see what happens but I am having problems trusting in what anyone has to say. So, as I always say, I will step out on faith and hope to hear what God is trying to tell me to do or not to do. Good night my friends and I hope that you have a beautiful and blessed Sunday and week!

What is it all about anyway?

What is the real purpose of entering into a relationship outside of pro-creation? Security? A life partner? Tea for two? Two heads are better than one? It takes two to tango? I could go on and on but I will spare you.

I sometimes “fean” for a good-smelling, stable and intelligent man to hold me at night and to ease the hardships of being a parent alone. Honestly, I do not know I am in this “relationship thoughts mode” today but I am. Perhaps because it is my birthday week. Maybe I am feeling a little sad that my kid has to create a card and does not have a gift to give me. Not sad because I want or need a gift from her. Sad because she will be upset about it. A husband would take care of that right?

This is where I get to the frustrating part. I am not so sure that husbands do that. Mine certainly didn’t. The guys I have dated, except for one, have been so self-centered. Is that a reflection on me? Do I pick people like that, or do I send out some kind of signals saying: ‘She’s got her heart on her sleeve. She is a good woman. She will be down with you no matter what.’ Translation: She will put up with your crap until the cows come home. She will respect you even when you do not deserve it. She will pick up the slack where you do not. She will treat you like a man when all you do is act like an effing boy!

On days like my birthday or Christmas or Valentine’s, I often think about what it would be like if I “had a man.” Then I see friends of mine who have one and they put up with an awful lot of garbage in my opinion. I met with a friend from out of state recently and her husband seriously POUTED at the table. He wanted to do something else, not have lunch with us. It is not that he does not like me, because we get along pretty well. It was just not his choice to go, so he was pissed and acted like a darned kindergartner the whole time. I would have been mortified if my hubby acted like such a donkey’s behind. I would have pulled him to the side and told him to go take a walk around the plaza, have his coffee and we would see him later.

But that is the thing. Marriage is full of compromises. Romantic relationships are too. But there generally is one party compromising more than the other. I am usually on the 70 percent end. I am the one that puts up with more. Until I don’t.

Then…I am done. That is what happened in my “marriage” if that is what one could call it. Besides the fact that he couldn’t keep his undies up where other women were concerned, I did it all. Party planning, meal prep, cleaning. child-rearing, schedule coordination, remembered bdays, grocery shopping-you name it! Not to mention that I worked around 30 hours a week from home and had my baby with me all day long! I also managed the money and paid the bills. I had to beg him to take out trash and recyclables. I would go and get my own car repairs and then he would complain about how I got ripped off!

So, I figured that I could do without that fauxlationship and be happier alone with my child. For the most part I am. Usually birthdays do not have me feeling blue. I am most of the time a cheery and happy kind of person. I know sleep deprivation is a big part here. But the other is, I don’t feel celebrated. I am not one of those people with 20 cards coming to my place. Maybe 5 or 6 cards. I have already received 3 packages and a few cards and an email. I can’t beat that. People love me. They are thinking of me. Does it matter that there are not oodles of cards and emails? Why is it no matter how old we are, we still think like high-schoolers regarding certain things? Or at least I do. Popularity at my age?

No I am not ancient, but still. I want love and recognition and special treatment. What queen doesn’t? I think that all women are queens. What queen does not expect a little pomp and circumstance every now and then?? Anyway, I will as always, embrace my singlehood and enjoy my 7 days of bday celebrations with my kiddo and friends. I have a lot to be thankful for and though it may not seem as much as others, I know that I am loved. Life is not worth living without it.

Adieu~

Presents don’t really mean much to me. I don’t want to sound mawkish, but – it was the realization that I have a great many people in my life who really love me, and who I really love.
Gabriel Byrne