Trying to get my priorities straight, yes even as a mom it is hard to focus on work and not play…

Well, this newfound self is fab. Lighter mentally, lighter physically and I have an extra skip in my step. But all I want to do is go to dinners and lunches and manis and pedis. I am trying to be a “lady that lunches” when I am really a lady that needs to be punching a time clock:). I have a job, and I am hopefully going on an interview Friday for a part time sales gig. But, I am so into finding my new self and having a life as a person and not just as a mom that I am getting things twisted.

I am trying to plan nights out and weekend trips, which is great, but I have got to slow my roll. I love the fact that I can look at myself and know when enough is enough. I mean I am not being totally irresponsible or anything. Bills are paid. Gas is in the car, food is in the fridge, but I am so excited about venturing out and getting a “life” that I am neglecting the life I have already.

I am losing focus on what is important. I do not mean to, but I am an extremist all or nothing kind of gal. For nearly a decade, I have devoted myself to pregnancy and then motherhood. Now I am wanting to dedicate most of my energy to myself and I think that the people around me are like-“what?” I feel them. I am joining the gym this week, I am about to book Vegas tickets, I haven’t even watched Scandal in a week!

I am ready to live my life and stop fantasizing about other people’s. I think that that is what it boils down to. Literally. I have to realize that just because I have jumped on this “me” bandwagon that everyone else will not ride with me. This total transformation has to be and will be a slow one. I will not lose 45 more pounds over night. I will not find the love of my life over night. And, I will not have fun every single day and be out on the scene.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not dumping my kid to go to clubs or anything. I am just trying to live this fun and exciting lifestyle and I am not really matching it up with funds:) So, I have done a real good job of spending roughly an hour a day on a job search. Thirty minutes to prayer and I am trying to get to the 30 minutes to working out, but I am not there yet. I am too tired when I find the time! Hence the need for the gym. If I pay for it, I will play!

Hope you all have a happy humpday tomorrow and I hope that your weather has settled down a bit like ours has.

Will write soon~

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So, I created a dating profile…

I can’t believe that I am typing this. The girl who started this blog did not have the guts to do something like this. I am a gutsy chick, but I never thought I would go looking for love. I got a new haircut, lost a little weight, and bam! Profile. I have had over 600 hits and around 150 messages. That may be decent, but in this day and age of constant social media and electronics, it could be just average. Either way, it was a bit of an ego boost, I am not going to lie.

One of the first men to message me was my type. Tall, dark and handsome. Gorgeous, successful, etc. I left out one of “my type” characteristics-jerk. I tend to go after players, good-looking men or people who think they are God’s gift. I felt myself beginning to accept what he said. I was letting him call the shots and then I realized that I am a different woman than I was 11 years ago when I last dated. I am a little older, a little wiser, and a hell of a lot more schooled in the ways of men-being married to an adulterer will do that~

So, I decided to put him to the side and talk to a couple of the men that are decent. Good men that may not have the sex appeal, but have the heart appeal. But, some of these men are so serious! They want a wife to be the mother to their kids, or they want an instant and constant companion-they have nothing going on but their search for a woman. Or, they are decent men, but anatomy is still at the forefront of their minds.

Sending me a message how hot or sexy I am does not win brownie points. I want someone who understands that I have a child who is the center of my world. I want a man who can understand that I do not have unlimited time to give them unlimited attention. I used to think that if a guy wanted to be around me all of the time that it was endearing. Now I see that I was with controlling men. They would put me at the center of their lives, pull me away from my life and when they were over “us”, I would be devastated and have no friends available to hang with.

I am a grown woman now with responsibilities and if a man says in his profile that he wants to see his potential life partner everyday, I am not as attracted to that as I used to be. Some men have already given me their numbers for texting and I have had them for days, but I am not sure what I am looking for. I want a man to talk to. I want someone who would like to talk about our lives and what happened at work, or at a social outing. But I am not ready to change my lifestyle upside down for anyone.

So, I am not sure if I should be on this site. Am I wasting people’s time or am I feeding my ego? Well, anyway. I want to keep trying to see what happens but I am having problems trusting in what anyone has to say. So, as I always say, I will step out on faith and hope to hear what God is trying to tell me to do or not to do. Good night my friends and I hope that you have a beautiful and blessed Sunday and week!

I am back and stronger than ever!

2013 was a bust in several ways: my grandmother died (God rest her soul), my almost 20 year old cat died, I had to move to another place, job losses. But, the fact that myself, my child and other family and friends made it to 2014 alive, made it a great year. I have been so extremely busy for the last 30 plus days with travel, guests, events, parties and now is a time to get it together. Decide my path. Make my way. 

For starters, I have a new bestie. I know it sound silly. I am a grown woman with a child and that is the first thing I mention is that I have a best friend. Well, it is odd because I have known her for 2 years. But over the last month, I have gotten to know her more and I realize that this is what has been missing up here in DC! A running/hanging partner. I have a lot of friends/acquaintances here, but I feel in this land of suburbia and perfection,that I rarely if ever am just myself. I am with my daughter and friends from back in the day whom I chat with over the phone that love other places. But I have not met a friend in 10 years in this area that I can 100 percent be myself with and that is huge! I do have the “3 am” friends here. I can call people and trust them with my child. That is freaking golden too. But to be able to have a friend that you can be crazy with, angry around, bare your soul to and at the same time laugh with is priceless. I told her last night that I am going to give her a friendship bracelet and as goofy as it may seem, I might. A girl can never let her bestie know enough how much she is appreciated.

Secondly, I have lost 20 lbs. Remember all of the blogs about getting spiritually and physically fit? Well, at least I am losing weight. I am trying to workout at least 180 minutes per week. Let’s see how the spiritual will turn out. I hope equally as well. Who am I fooling? I hope better.

Third-I have decided to accept people for what they have to give and who they are and not put so much faith in “man.” My faith is in Jesus Christ my Lord and Savior and I am not a judge or a jury. If people are not as loving or as giving or as available as I would love for them to be, well that is on them. No longer am I going to be disappointed in what people are not. I am going to embrace them and appreciate them for what they are and if they are not a positive in my life, then I will kick them to the curb. Sounds harsh? But it really does make sense…

Lastly, I am going to step out on faith in a big way and try out dating. I want someone in my life. For a decade my child has been my all, especially after splitting from my husband. She is my number one priority, but I am still attractive and somewhat young. I want to have a partner in life and going to playdates is not going to get one. I am not rushing out to clubs and bars, but I have joined a few Meetup groups that would be conducive environments for meeting eligible suitors. 

This is actually the last thing, but in my effort to get right in every way I can, I am going to blog everyday again. I do not care if I tell you about how great my lunch was, or how much I enjoyed a movie. I love to write and it is such a healing and joyful exercise for me. I just hope that some of you have stuck with me and will continue to read and support me. I know that I may have lost some followers and have not gained any in awhile, but that is not the reason I want to write. I want to write because it is what I love and feel and it empowers and strengthens me. 

Please join me on my journey and feel free to comment along the way. Happy 2014. It is going to be a happy, happy New Year indeed!

Been away. Went to NYC for a couple of days and then working and well-life!

Hi guys,

I have been a very bad blogger lately. I have been doing Twitter a bunch b/c Scandal has its last episode tomorrow night until Feb 27th. And, we have been going to Christmas events in NYC, DC and everywhere. Plus my daughter’s bday party is this weekend and I have a choir concert at church Sunday. So, busy. I am tired and wiped out, but happy. I love Christmastime so much. Not presents really. Just the beautiful trees and lights and events and people that are a tiny bit kinder. It is refreshing and beautiful and amazing. 

We do not go overboard on presents at our place. Kids get the amount of presents for how old they are from Santa. Once they stop believing in Santa, then it does not apply. It is in an effort to keep the reason for the season at the forefront of Christmas. We read Luke from the Bible on Christmas Eve, we participate in the Christmas Eve service and we do a happy bday cake for Jesus on Christmas.

I am not bragging, just mentioning all of this to say that one can still participate in Santa without having the real meaning of Christmas thrown out the window. When people say trees, Santa and the date December 25th are pagan, it annoys me. The reason that date was adopted, because it was to gradually ease pagans into Christianity by using dates that were special to them. Though trees originally had pagan roots, now we use their beauty to glorify God and Christ’s birth. Santa Claus is for kids and I do not think that it is harmless. It is like my daughter thinking that fairies are real or the Disney princesses at Disney are real people. 

If the love of Christ is in your heart, and you know your true intentions and beliefs, it is okay to have fun. But if you feel that the “pagan” ways of yore conflict with your beliefs or keep you from putting Christ first, then by all means refrain. ‘To each his own’, is a short but powerful statement. 

God Bless you all during this Christmas season and enjoy your holiday in whatever way you choose.

Merry Christmas-no happy holidays nonsense from this chick!

Hope everyone had a Thanksgiving to be thankful for…

I am slowly moving out of my funk. I am trying to seek a real job. I am thinking about getting another degree. Silly? Perhaps,but my options are running out. So, back to Thanksgiving. I am so happy that we had a place to go with good food, conversation and laughter. I was completely chill just staying home under the covers and watching Christmas movies with my daughter. We planned to put decorations on the tree because we put it up that Wednesday. 

Anyway, we did not decorate. We spent from 2 to 9 pm with our friends and it brought me back to southern Thanksgiving dinners at my grandmother’s. This is the first year that she was not around because she passed away in March, so I know that dinner down south was so different for my family. Well, my friend did not disappoint. She had collards, yams, ham, turkey, potato salad. It was a soul food throw down!:) She had awesome appetizers and we had red wine with dinner. Nice meal.

Then her hubby went to lie down and the kids went to play and we sat and talked and talked. I really needed that, you know? Sometimes satan wants us to feel isolated. Like we have nowhere to go and no one to listen to us, but it is such a fallacy! Most of us who have lived normal lives and treated others well and been a normal part of society do have people that pray for us and care for us. We may have people that are praying for us that we have no clue about. It could be the service desk worker that you have gotten to know at your favorite store. It could be the older woman who sits alone at church who you make time to talk with. 

I am a lot of things right now-stressed, concerned, wanting CHANGE in my life so desperately. But one thing I am sure of is that I am loved. We are loved. There are bad people in the world. But there are good people that are available to us that many of us do not appreciate or take the time to get to know. Would I have rather been with a husband of my own and my daughter that night? Sure. Do I want to meet a great man to step in and help me raise my child because her father does not? Yes of course. But apparently God is not ready for me to be with someone. Or, God is preparing him to come into my life. Or preparing my heart. The same heart that has anger and pain and resentment buried behind it.

Today I am hopeful. I desire a different life. A better life. Don’t get me wrong, I am thankful for where I live and would not trade my kid for a trillion dollars. I have friends and a full calendar. But I am not where I need to be financially and I long for romantic love. But, today I feel blessed and I awaiting God’s go ahead for me to be in a better place-emotionally, romantically and financially.

I am claiming it! I am going to have my sunny day. My turn at ‘happy days’ and ‘everything is coming up roses’ is where I am headed! If you feel sad or trapped or confused, just seek the Most High in all that you do and you may not get the answer you want, but you will find comfort. You also will have a friend by your side that will never leave you and always love you. I may not have God all figured out, but some of the situations I should have not made it out of alive, let me know that God has to have a purpose for me. I am still here for a reason. For THAT I give a prayer of gratitude and thanksgiving.

I had someone “check me” tonight. Have you ever had that happen?

I saw a woman tonight when I was “browsing” at Neiman Marcus. She has worked there for years and she is such a beautiful and lovely person. I was meant to see her and I have actually tried to find her the last few times I have been in there and she was always off. So, this was ordained I feel because I was just leaving the mall and I saw her. Also because of the words that she spoke to me. Actually God spoke through her. For those of you who do not believe in this kind of thing, good for you. But I know this happens. It happened tonight!

So, she basically told me that there was a lot of hurt and pain in my heart. That I am a good person with good intentions, but I cannot get my breakthrough with God because I am letting all of my past hurt stand in the way. It was like a triumph for me and a slap in the face at the same time. She said I have to get my heart right. I was thinking, hmph-my heart is fine. Then I started thinking about how I get angry a lot with what I deem as stupid drivers, shoppers and annoying people in general. A lot of us in DC get aggravated because there are so many people around all of the time and there is so much competitiveness. It is probably a part of why I have changed. But a switch has been flipped recently. I truly am not happy like I once was. I still appear to be happy go lucky, but inside I am stressed and anxious.

 I have been in such turmoil lately every night about my life and my past and my mistakes and my present and on and on. She is so right. I need to face my demons. Get on my knees and ask God to forgive me and to help me forgive. The letting go I am always talking about has come to bite me in the butt. I am a hypocrite in action. I continue to tell people about letting go, but I guess I am not practicing what I preach. That is why when I do my church’s social media I feel like such a big incredible phony. I believe that God is great. I believe in the Bible, but I am not fully living it.

The question of the day is: Does anybody ever live it? If they do, I want to meet them and ask them how! I am going to ask for God to search my heart tonight, but the truth is I am scared to see what is lurking there. But my friend is right. It has to be done in order to move to the next step of my life, God’s plan for my life.

I am good at inspiring other people. But I cannot set out my own life plan-why is that?

So, I have been inspired by tv lately. I want to have a career. I want to have excitement. But I do not know how to go about it. Flowchart? Poster board on the kitchen wall writing all of my hopes and dreams and challenges in marker? Or write in chalk on my kid’s easel so that I can change it, or erase it? I have fear. Fear of getting rejected. Flat out fear of falling on my face. Fear that I do not have a lot of work experience when many people my age have been working in a field for 15 or so years. I once again fall back on faith. 

I feel like this is the most pensive I have been in my life. Thinking all of the time and wondering and worrying and dreaming. It is like I am having an out of body experience and I am watching my life. I am critiquing myself as if it is not me. I am in this highly enlightened state and I do not even do drugs and it is not the 60’s and I am not getting a doctorate in philosophy. 

So, why all of the thinking? I do not know if God is bringing something great to me or if God is trying to show me something or show me how to get where I want to go and where He wants me to be. So, my posts may sound a bit redundant. Like a cat chasing its tail, but I am verbally working out all that is in my brain.

So please bear with me as I stumble towards all of this greatness. I have no choice but to believe that all of this unhappiness and uncertainty and much I have been stuck in is for a purpose. 

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

1 Corinithians 13:13