So, my interview is Friday morning and I am deciding between hip/chic or conservative chic.

I have been so wrapped up in crazy silly stuff and now it is crunch time! I start my PR classes on Tuesday-longggg story and I have a job interview in 2 days. I feel like a bonafide grown up. About time, I have been one for 20 years! I feel so good and hopeful about what this year has to hold. Part of it is who I am surrounding myself with, the other part is my jumping in and taking the bull by the horns. Regardless, this is my freaking year and I am claiming it in Jesus’ name!

I keep getting caught up in the worldly and I have to remind myself that that crap-what the flesh wants is not what the soul needs. I want and need to live a Godly life, but when one is a single/divorcee Christian, it is hard. Men in my age group are still partying a lot-lame. Or, they want to get serious immediately. I am going to use this as a way to pray to God by asking God to put people in my life that are good for me and remove the others, as difficult as that it is to face or do.

I have this crazy desire to make this year so much better and different and awesome, but I am still the same person on the inside as I was years ago, in many ways. I have been a great mom and I have a graduate degree and I don’t drink and go out with men like I did in my 20’s, but I still have the same tendencies in certain situations whether I act on them or not. Most of the time I do not, but that co-dependency returns sometimes, but I have to talk myself off of the ledge because I do not want to return to that person just because I am single again.

I have actually been away from my husband for 4 1/2 years, but because I am now pursuing a dating life and opening myself up, the single lady thing is more predominant, or feels that way. So, my readers and friends, please pray for me that I will keep my heart open, but my mind closed to what is not good for me. I hope that your work week has been great and it is half over! Until tomorrow…

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Went out of town and had a wonderful time, but so glad to be back here…

I went to a wedding of a relative of my ex this weekend. My daughter was in the wedding and looked so beautiful and so old! She is now past the flower girl age and is in the junior bridesmaid category. Man time flies. 

I had a surprisingly good time. I have not been close to my exes family historically because they gave me sh– from day one. I don’t know if it was because I am from Euro descent and they are from a different culture or if they just didn’t “get me” or didn’t want to. (probably this one) I do not think that the white part was really the case because the relative that got married, married someone not only from another culture, but from another continent. The two cultures could not be more different.

Anyhow,I was a little worried as to how things would go, but one major pain in my arse in the past who really caused a lot of problems for me was actually pretty cool and fun to hang with an the other one was not there. I channeled my inner “Joan” (see Mad Men) by wearing a very figure flattering dress. I danced for four hours straight, and I talked with and was kind and warm with everyone. I pitched in and helped with last minute wedding details, I was congenial and grateful to be included and displayed all of the southern belle qualities that I could pull out of my Spanx.

It was fun, because there was “Eastern” and “Island” traditions meshed into one groovy hippietastic wedding. I cried, I laughed, I participated and I even tried hard to not stress about the money I spent to get my kid there. After all, I went for her because she loves the person who got married. She wanted so badly to be in the wedding and I scraped and scrambled to make it happen and I am so glad that I did. Correction, glad that the Lord allowed me to get there and make ends meet to enjoy our time their fully.

I learned a lot about what I want out of love in the future by viewing the love between this unlikely match. I learned that people that we love should not be people that we wish to change. That people we love do not have to have our same ideals. People that we love should have different interests and should not mold to the other person’s life completely. It is okay to be two separate people that come together at the right time. It is so wonderful to be eclectic and odd and have someone be the perfect fit to your puzzle, another eclectic and odd piece.

I want that. I want to laugh more than I cry. I want to have people that are so happy for me and my guy that they travel day and night to see us celebrate our love. I want to find such a wonderful man that will treat my daughter as his own and not expect me to push my kid to the side. A real man who accepts the “full meal deal” for real. Not just at the beginning. Someone ready to be a grown up all of the time and be their through pleasure and pain.

I thought a lot during this whole wedding weekend and after very little sleep and not so pleasant accommodations, I was so glad to leave their marital bliss to my solitary life with my kid. To lie my head on my pillow and return to my simple but happy life. I returned to a cozy and homey nest that may be devoid of passionate love, but is full of familial love. Overflowing with blessings to many to count. Though I may not have the love of my life to share my day with, I have my wonderful kid who at this point is enough.

I dream of a time when I have more, but at the same time I am just so glad to be here that I don’t dream for long. I just relish in the simplicity of knowing that when I lock the door and turn off the phone that I do not need to be concerned about what is going on with anyone but us. I can plan our days and spontaneously decide on another adventure without considering another person’s (adult’s) wants or needs or wishes. We can play with Barbies, or eat on the living room rug while watching a silly show, or listen to whatever we want on Pandora without pause or care.

Romantic love may be elusive now. But the love that I have is a parent is greater than I ever imagined. One day she will grow up and not be around to fill my schedule and time and I understand that. Perhaps then I will have a love that I cannot live without in the form of a husband. Until then, I will decorate pumpkins and bake cupcakes and be glad to be here. Not just at our home, but at this stage in our lives. Though I may feel lonely and feel that I am an outcast in coupleland, I do believe that God’s timing is perfect and “here” is where I need to be.

Ecclesiastes 3:1 ESV

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven.

What is it all about anyway?

What is the real purpose of entering into a relationship outside of pro-creation? Security? A life partner? Tea for two? Two heads are better than one? It takes two to tango? I could go on and on but I will spare you.

I sometimes “fean” for a good-smelling, stable and intelligent man to hold me at night and to ease the hardships of being a parent alone. Honestly, I do not know I am in this “relationship thoughts mode” today but I am. Perhaps because it is my birthday week. Maybe I am feeling a little sad that my kid has to create a card and does not have a gift to give me. Not sad because I want or need a gift from her. Sad because she will be upset about it. A husband would take care of that right?

This is where I get to the frustrating part. I am not so sure that husbands do that. Mine certainly didn’t. The guys I have dated, except for one, have been so self-centered. Is that a reflection on me? Do I pick people like that, or do I send out some kind of signals saying: ‘She’s got her heart on her sleeve. She is a good woman. She will be down with you no matter what.’ Translation: She will put up with your crap until the cows come home. She will respect you even when you do not deserve it. She will pick up the slack where you do not. She will treat you like a man when all you do is act like an effing boy!

On days like my birthday or Christmas or Valentine’s, I often think about what it would be like if I “had a man.” Then I see friends of mine who have one and they put up with an awful lot of garbage in my opinion. I met with a friend from out of state recently and her husband seriously POUTED at the table. He wanted to do something else, not have lunch with us. It is not that he does not like me, because we get along pretty well. It was just not his choice to go, so he was pissed and acted like a darned kindergartner the whole time. I would have been mortified if my hubby acted like such a donkey’s behind. I would have pulled him to the side and told him to go take a walk around the plaza, have his coffee and we would see him later.

But that is the thing. Marriage is full of compromises. Romantic relationships are too. But there generally is one party compromising more than the other. I am usually on the 70 percent end. I am the one that puts up with more. Until I don’t.

Then…I am done. That is what happened in my “marriage” if that is what one could call it. Besides the fact that he couldn’t keep his undies up where other women were concerned, I did it all. Party planning, meal prep, cleaning. child-rearing, schedule coordination, remembered bdays, grocery shopping-you name it! Not to mention that I worked around 30 hours a week from home and had my baby with me all day long! I also managed the money and paid the bills. I had to beg him to take out trash and recyclables. I would go and get my own car repairs and then he would complain about how I got ripped off!

So, I figured that I could do without that fauxlationship and be happier alone with my child. For the most part I am. Usually birthdays do not have me feeling blue. I am most of the time a cheery and happy kind of person. I know sleep deprivation is a big part here. But the other is, I don’t feel celebrated. I am not one of those people with 20 cards coming to my place. Maybe 5 or 6 cards. I have already received 3 packages and a few cards and an email. I can’t beat that. People love me. They are thinking of me. Does it matter that there are not oodles of cards and emails? Why is it no matter how old we are, we still think like high-schoolers regarding certain things? Or at least I do. Popularity at my age?

No I am not ancient, but still. I want love and recognition and special treatment. What queen doesn’t? I think that all women are queens. What queen does not expect a little pomp and circumstance every now and then?? Anyway, I will as always, embrace my singlehood and enjoy my 7 days of bday celebrations with my kiddo and friends. I have a lot to be thankful for and though it may not seem as much as others, I know that I am loved. Life is not worth living without it.

Adieu~

Presents don’t really mean much to me. I don’t want to sound mawkish, but – it was the realization that I have a great many people in my life who really love me, and who I really love.
Gabriel Byrne