What is the real purpose of entering into a relationship outside of pro-creation? Security? A life partner? Tea for two? Two heads are better than one? It takes two to tango? I could go on and on but I will spare you.
I sometimes “fean” for a good-smelling, stable and intelligent man to hold me at night and to ease the hardships of being a parent alone. Honestly, I do not know I am in this “relationship thoughts mode” today but I am. Perhaps because it is my birthday week. Maybe I am feeling a little sad that my kid has to create a card and does not have a gift to give me. Not sad because I want or need a gift from her. Sad because she will be upset about it. A husband would take care of that right?
This is where I get to the frustrating part. I am not so sure that husbands do that. Mine certainly didn’t. The guys I have dated, except for one, have been so self-centered. Is that a reflection on me? Do I pick people like that, or do I send out some kind of signals saying: ‘She’s got her heart on her sleeve. She is a good woman. She will be down with you no matter what.’ Translation: She will put up with your crap until the cows come home. She will respect you even when you do not deserve it. She will pick up the slack where you do not. She will treat you like a man when all you do is act like an effing boy!
On days like my birthday or Christmas or Valentine’s, I often think about what it would be like if I “had a man.” Then I see friends of mine who have one and they put up with an awful lot of garbage in my opinion. I met with a friend from out of state recently and her husband seriously POUTED at the table. He wanted to do something else, not have lunch with us. It is not that he does not like me, because we get along pretty well. It was just not his choice to go, so he was pissed and acted like a darned kindergartner the whole time. I would have been mortified if my hubby acted like such a donkey’s behind. I would have pulled him to the side and told him to go take a walk around the plaza, have his coffee and we would see him later.
But that is the thing. Marriage is full of compromises. Romantic relationships are too. But there generally is one party compromising more than the other. I am usually on the 70 percent end. I am the one that puts up with more. Until I don’t.
Then…I am done. That is what happened in my “marriage” if that is what one could call it. Besides the fact that he couldn’t keep his undies up where other women were concerned, I did it all. Party planning, meal prep, cleaning. child-rearing, schedule coordination, remembered bdays, grocery shopping-you name it! Not to mention that I worked around 30 hours a week from home and had my baby with me all day long! I also managed the money and paid the bills. I had to beg him to take out trash and recyclables. I would go and get my own car repairs and then he would complain about how I got ripped off!
So, I figured that I could do without that fauxlationship and be happier alone with my child. For the most part I am. Usually birthdays do not have me feeling blue. I am most of the time a cheery and happy kind of person. I know sleep deprivation is a big part here. But the other is, I don’t feel celebrated. I am not one of those people with 20 cards coming to my place. Maybe 5 or 6 cards. I have already received 3 packages and a few cards and an email. I can’t beat that. People love me. They are thinking of me. Does it matter that there are not oodles of cards and emails? Why is it no matter how old we are, we still think like high-schoolers regarding certain things? Or at least I do. Popularity at my age?
No I am not ancient, but still. I want love and recognition and special treatment. What queen doesn’t? I think that all women are queens. What queen does not expect a little pomp and circumstance every now and then?? Anyway, I will as always, embrace my singlehood and enjoy my 7 days of bday celebrations with my kiddo and friends. I have a lot to be thankful for and though it may not seem as much as others, I know that I am loved. Life is not worth living without it.
Presents don’t really mean much to me. I don’t want to sound mawkish, but – it was the realization that I have a great many people in my life who really love me, and who I really love.