So, my interview is Friday morning and I am deciding between hip/chic or conservative chic.

I have been so wrapped up in crazy silly stuff and now it is crunch time! I start my PR classes on Tuesday-longggg story and I have a job interview in 2 days. I feel like a bonafide grown up. About time, I have been one for 20 years! I feel so good and hopeful about what this year has to hold. Part of it is who I am surrounding myself with, the other part is my jumping in and taking the bull by the horns. Regardless, this is my freaking year and I am claiming it in Jesus’ name!

I keep getting caught up in the worldly and I have to remind myself that that crap-what the flesh wants is not what the soul needs. I want and need to live a Godly life, but when one is a single/divorcee Christian, it is hard. Men in my age group are still partying a lot-lame. Or, they want to get serious immediately. I am going to use this as a way to pray to God by asking God to put people in my life that are good for me and remove the others, as difficult as that it is to face or do.

I have this crazy desire to make this year so much better and different and awesome, but I am still the same person on the inside as I was years ago, in many ways. I have been a great mom and I have a graduate degree and I don’t drink and go out with men like I did in my 20’s, but I still have the same tendencies in certain situations whether I act on them or not. Most of the time I do not, but that co-dependency returns sometimes, but I have to talk myself off of the ledge because I do not want to return to that person just because I am single again.

I have actually been away from my husband for 4 1/2 years, but because I am now pursuing a dating life and opening myself up, the single lady thing is more predominant, or feels that way. So, my readers and friends, please pray for me that I will keep my heart open, but my mind closed to what is not good for me. I hope that your work week has been great and it is half over! Until tomorrow…

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Why do we keep fooling ourselves? Our country is on a downward spiral and “We the People” will be the first to fall…

I am so frightened as to what will happen to our country and what our children and grandchildren will have to face. I know as a person who is a believer in Christ should not have fear in my heart and mind, but I am human. I feel what I feel and as much as I try to give my burdens over to God, I still get scared.

I don’t think that Obama is doing a good job. I do not think that people in House or Senate are keeping their promises. I am not a “party” person. I am a person that believes that the rules should apply to all. I believe in the Constitution. I do not believe that people should get benefits if they do not try to better themselves. I however do think that there is a place for programs that help people. I have found myself of need of help at a time when my husband moved out. The help was “tiny” in the grand scheme of things, but I appreciated it at the time. It wasn’t for long, but it covered me until I got myself back on track.

The point of this blog is that we cannot continue to spend like their is no tomorrow. “We” meaning our government. Borrowing endlessly from ruthless China, as of this week-severing our diplomatic ties with Saudi Arabia. I do not know what is going to happen and that is what is so scary. We are not the powers that be, which means that we have no control over our destiny.

But do we really ever? God knows the ending, but can we influence what happens between the beginning and the ending? We have free will, but are rendered helpless at the mercy or our increasingly corrupt government. Is it time to pull a Boston Tea Party up in here? Speaking of Tea Party, why do the media and hard-core liberals hate them so much? I am not a part of their movement, but how is it so different from other progressive movements? They are sick of the status quo and are trying to change things. I commend any group (almost) that takes a stand and practices what they preach. How annoying is it to constantly hear people harp on all of our problems and never contribute to the difference that they so desperately seek? Yesterday, there was an NSA protest at the capitol. (If I did not have prior obligations, I would have been there!!!) I personally think that it should have been at the White House. We are fooling ourselves if we think that the president himself has no clue as to what is going on with the wire-tapping. I have said many times how much I love this country. We have flaws, but so do all countries, but we are going in a direction that I never imagined. I think that we all spend so much of our time sharing cute YouTube videos, talking about the Real Housewives of whatever, or talking about the awesome play that the quarterback of whatever team made for that week. But where is the dialogue about what is happening in our country?

I just do not see it enough. I am not one to be a doom and gloom person. But I am also not one to pretend that everything is “lollipops and kittens”. This is the end of my PSA. My rant about our fragile economic and national state of things. I only hope that more people wake up and open their eyes wide to the demise of this great nation that we live in. If people keep pushing the “ignore” button every time these kinds of topics come up, then it will not be difficult at all to succumb to whatever the government has in store for us. Naivete is no longer an excuse. There are too many ways now to access news to play the ignorant card…

What is it all about anyway?

What is the real purpose of entering into a relationship outside of pro-creation? Security? A life partner? Tea for two? Two heads are better than one? It takes two to tango? I could go on and on but I will spare you.

I sometimes “fean” for a good-smelling, stable and intelligent man to hold me at night and to ease the hardships of being a parent alone. Honestly, I do not know I am in this “relationship thoughts mode” today but I am. Perhaps because it is my birthday week. Maybe I am feeling a little sad that my kid has to create a card and does not have a gift to give me. Not sad because I want or need a gift from her. Sad because she will be upset about it. A husband would take care of that right?

This is where I get to the frustrating part. I am not so sure that husbands do that. Mine certainly didn’t. The guys I have dated, except for one, have been so self-centered. Is that a reflection on me? Do I pick people like that, or do I send out some kind of signals saying: ‘She’s got her heart on her sleeve. She is a good woman. She will be down with you no matter what.’ Translation: She will put up with your crap until the cows come home. She will respect you even when you do not deserve it. She will pick up the slack where you do not. She will treat you like a man when all you do is act like an effing boy!

On days like my birthday or Christmas or Valentine’s, I often think about what it would be like if I “had a man.” Then I see friends of mine who have one and they put up with an awful lot of garbage in my opinion. I met with a friend from out of state recently and her husband seriously POUTED at the table. He wanted to do something else, not have lunch with us. It is not that he does not like me, because we get along pretty well. It was just not his choice to go, so he was pissed and acted like a darned kindergartner the whole time. I would have been mortified if my hubby acted like such a donkey’s behind. I would have pulled him to the side and told him to go take a walk around the plaza, have his coffee and we would see him later.

But that is the thing. Marriage is full of compromises. Romantic relationships are too. But there generally is one party compromising more than the other. I am usually on the 70 percent end. I am the one that puts up with more. Until I don’t.

Then…I am done. That is what happened in my “marriage” if that is what one could call it. Besides the fact that he couldn’t keep his undies up where other women were concerned, I did it all. Party planning, meal prep, cleaning. child-rearing, schedule coordination, remembered bdays, grocery shopping-you name it! Not to mention that I worked around 30 hours a week from home and had my baby with me all day long! I also managed the money and paid the bills. I had to beg him to take out trash and recyclables. I would go and get my own car repairs and then he would complain about how I got ripped off!

So, I figured that I could do without that fauxlationship and be happier alone with my child. For the most part I am. Usually birthdays do not have me feeling blue. I am most of the time a cheery and happy kind of person. I know sleep deprivation is a big part here. But the other is, I don’t feel celebrated. I am not one of those people with 20 cards coming to my place. Maybe 5 or 6 cards. I have already received 3 packages and a few cards and an email. I can’t beat that. People love me. They are thinking of me. Does it matter that there are not oodles of cards and emails? Why is it no matter how old we are, we still think like high-schoolers regarding certain things? Or at least I do. Popularity at my age?

No I am not ancient, but still. I want love and recognition and special treatment. What queen doesn’t? I think that all women are queens. What queen does not expect a little pomp and circumstance every now and then?? Anyway, I will as always, embrace my singlehood and enjoy my 7 days of bday celebrations with my kiddo and friends. I have a lot to be thankful for and though it may not seem as much as others, I know that I am loved. Life is not worth living without it.

Adieu~

Presents don’t really mean much to me. I don’t want to sound mawkish, but – it was the realization that I have a great many people in my life who really love me, and who I really love.
Gabriel Byrne

All is well that ends somewhat okay…

Today has been an interesting day. It seems that I have been out of work for eons when it has only been a few weeks. Taking my kid to her art class and starting my new part-time afternoon/evening gig has me less than enthralled. It is amazing how quickly one can become lazy and unmotivated when there is no set time to be somewhere. In sets the realization that it is officially fall. Though it is truly my favorite time of year, I am just not ready to be so dedicated to being places. It seems that in my writing that I contradict myself a bit because on one hand I yearn for organization and precise scheduling. On the other hand I simply want to lie in the bed and catch up on zzz’s that I can never seem to grab on to when I am supposed to actually be sleeping.

About that. Last night I was so proud of myself. Like Cinderella, I hurried myself into my room at midnight and determined to put all thoughts of the current day’s activity in the back of my conscious mind, I closed my eyes and said a quick prayer (still working on that whole long prayer/meditation deal). Though I am certain that I slept at some point, I don’t feel like it was a lot. It was like a Nascar race in my mind. Thoughts of all of what I need and how much money it will take to do those things kept going around and around and around.

What bums me about this, besides the dark circles, is that I have really cut down on caffeine ever since Saturday which is a big feat for me, and I still can’t sleep. It is amazing how money can rule one’s thoughts, especially when one doesn’t have much of it. I am trying to think positive because of the fact that I have 2 jobs. But the truth is that I am still going to be struggling financially and that is not only upsetting but disappointing. I know that I cannot expect to get an advanced degree and a few months later expect a magical high-paying job to fall into my lap, but it doesn’t mean that I am not wishing for it.

Back to Cinderella, where on earth is MY fairy Godmother?? I want someone to come along and give me a wonderful opportunity that will forever change my life for the better. I have never had my time in the sun. I have always worked, albeit not important or influential jobs in the grand scheme of things, but I have been a contributing member of society since I was able to work. I want a break. I know so many people in this area who have at home jobs where they don’t ever seem to spend a whole bunch of time doing the work, but they are paid well and still super involved in their kids’ lives. They take their kids places, participate in their activities and all the while they have a career position to complete the puzzle.

I want that. I want to not worry about how we can make it to a family reunion and still pay all of the bills on time. I want to be able to pay for a vacation without having to save forever or have my mother take us on one. Becoming a single parent did not only sacrifice my social standing, but also my sense of security. On one hand I am so happy to lock the door at night and not worry about where he is, or who he’s doing. Sorry, Freudian slip.:) I have a peace of mind as far as I am not worrying about getting hurt in a relationship, but there are so many financial worries. I blame myself in many ways because I have always worked for myself the most part or had non-traditional ways of earning money, i.e. not working 9 to 5 or ‘for the man.’

That was then and I made those choices and took a different path and I am glad I did because I have my child and I have been able to be there for every moment of growing up. But I am not successful in terms of career. Isn’t that always the rub? Go down one path and we think it is right and years later we scratch our heads and wonder, what on earth was I thinking?

In this materialistic society I have failed. I don’t have a Birkin, or a Benz or a Big home. But, I have my education, decent looks and a heart of gold. “They” say that the true rewards are in heaven. If that is true, then I will have it going on when I get there. I really do hope that it is a long time before that happens though. For now I will be thankful. Thankful for my little home, my wonderful kid, my seemingly small life that is large in our eyes,thankful to be born in such a wonderful country despite the politics, and thankful to have another day to breathe another breath and to be able to type another word.

Before I forget. Please remember to say prayers, (or send positive thoughts for those who do not pray) to all of the families and victims of 9/11. Service men and women sacrificed their lives with their families to protect our nation. Never forget that as you go for your cup of latte or drop your kid off at school, that we live in a great place and need to treasure our freedom everyday…

The law of sacrifice is uniform throughout the world. To be effective it demands the sacrifice of the bravest and the most spotless.
Mahatma Gandhi

Todayyyyy…

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I picked my kid up from her sleepover, did my communion gig at church, met friends for lunch and we vegged and played for 4 hours at pool. Why is it when the pool is about to close every year on Labor day, the weather up and gets hot? Then I have to stare at the pool for the 9 months until it is open again?  Anyway, fun and relaxing time at the pool. My hair is even blonder and I am very red in some places and tan in others. Kinda like the glow though because come December I will be milky white again.

Had a weird dream that I was in a building and we had to gather up as much as we could that was of value and of use to take on this huge spacecraft that would take us away from the dangers of earth. Sort of odd for me because I am not a sci-fi kind of girl. Romantic comedy, action, fantasy yeah. But space stuff not so much. There was such a sense of urgency for me to get on the ship and get my stuff done. The dream seemed to go on for hours. I think that I have been over-analyzing everything lately, even in my sleep.

I tell you what, I really need to start working out again. After eating a salad and too many tortilla chips, (counter-productive I know) I crashed for 2 hours and had to even stop writing this post. This means that I would probably not have so many crazy sleep problems if I worked out like in the past. That pool time was so good for body and soul. I think that I could lose the weight easier as well if I could go to bed and get real rest. My body and brain could regenerate during the night and have tons of energy for me for the next day. The problem is, if I ever lie down before 9 pm I wake up a few hours later.

I know that my worry about what I will be doing to support us financially is a big part of my distress. Also, too many changes over the last 6 months have not been good for the psyche, but if life feeds us lemons we can either make the lemonade or have sour dispositions. I have to be strong for my kid. I will have to agree that there really is something to the theory that there should be a mom and a dad there to raise a kid. I have all of the responsibilities on my shoulders, and people expect me to carry on as though I don’t. If I ever do really get into what is going on with me with a couple of close friends, it is like a pity thing and then there is this uncomfortable moment and I regret ever bringing up my hardships. So, I don’t.

I have thought about counseling or therapy, but then that is another time commitment for me. And another financial commitment. If I can get a decent job I think that I will fit it into my schedule because I am worth it and I could probably benefit from it big time. My brother told me that all of his Manhattan friends go to therapists and that his best friend told him that he refused to date anyone that did not have a psychologist.:) Kind of humorous, but maybe he is on to something!

I think that what I am going to do to relax tonight is take a dip in my garden tub with candles and a good book. I don’t know what it is lately with me and water, but my mind is so revved up lately that whatever it takes to chill and unwind, I am on it. Before I do that, I am going to respond to an email from a woman who is interested in me as a personal tutor for her children! I would love to teach them full-time along with my kid. One of my many mini-dreams is to open a school so that I could interject all of the good things from different teaching philosophies, Christianity and common sense all into one awesome educational setting. Maybe this is a gateway? After I give her my rates, that dream may deflate sooner that I had hoped! But that is negative thinking, so I will leave on a good note. I saw this awesome sign outside of this live music venue/coffee house today and it spoke to me since I have such a vivid dream life as of late…Good night.

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