I saw a woman tonight when I was “browsing” at Neiman Marcus. She has worked there for years and she is such a beautiful and lovely person. I was meant to see her and I have actually tried to find her the last few times I have been in there and she was always off. So, this was ordained I feel because I was just leaving the mall and I saw her. Also because of the words that she spoke to me. Actually God spoke through her. For those of you who do not believe in this kind of thing, good for you. But I know this happens. It happened tonight!
So, she basically told me that there was a lot of hurt and pain in my heart. That I am a good person with good intentions, but I cannot get my breakthrough with God because I am letting all of my past hurt stand in the way. It was like a triumph for me and a slap in the face at the same time. She said I have to get my heart right. I was thinking, hmph-my heart is fine. Then I started thinking about how I get angry a lot with what I deem as stupid drivers, shoppers and annoying people in general. A lot of us in DC get aggravated because there are so many people around all of the time and there is so much competitiveness. It is probably a part of why I have changed. But a switch has been flipped recently. I truly am not happy like I once was. I still appear to be happy go lucky, but inside I am stressed and anxious.
I have been in such turmoil lately every night about my life and my past and my mistakes and my present and on and on. She is so right. I need to face my demons. Get on my knees and ask God to forgive me and to help me forgive. The letting go I am always talking about has come to bite me in the butt. I am a hypocrite in action. I continue to tell people about letting go, but I guess I am not practicing what I preach. That is why when I do my church’s social media I feel like such a big incredible phony. I believe that God is great. I believe in the Bible, but I am not fully living it.
The question of the day is: Does anybody ever live it? If they do, I want to meet them and ask them how! I am going to ask for God to search my heart tonight, but the truth is I am scared to see what is lurking there. But my friend is right. It has to be done in order to move to the next step of my life, God’s plan for my life.