So, I have not been on here in a little while because I have been putting out what I feel like are fires all over the place. Okay, so we are not evicted, which was almost the case 2 weeks ago because of a neighbor who has taken revenge on us ever since I made a noise complaint in March. I had to fight to tell them that I am not the noise maker. To fight to tell them that they have no proof. Fight to say, “what happened to mediation?” Fight to say I felt that I was being discriminated against. The eviction letter got voided. But since then, my car has been tampered with and now there are 2 long scratches down my car.
So, I call my mom to tell her how I feel and what my plan is and she tells me to do what she always does-LIE DOWN AND GET SCR—–. Do not get me wrong, I do love my mother. She has helped me financially, has been like one of my best friends, is a wonderful grandmother, but she does not stand up when it counts.
She stayed married to my “father” for 17 years while he cheated the ENTIRE TIME! Then she got married when I went to college to someone who was described by one of her lifelong friends as “socially retarded”. He wanted her to stay home and be up under him to get fat with her and to have no friends with him and most of the time, she did. Then he died of cancer-GOD rest his soul. I was not fond of him, but it was an aggressive cancer. So a year later she went on a date with someone from childhood and married him a year later. He too is grouchy and jealous, but is much better than the first two. Bottom line, she has to have someone around to fight her battles.
I am either not as good at attracting men, God is sparing me from the bad ones, or I am over it all together. The point is, right now my only recourse is to take up for myself. I am about to enter a legal battle over housing discrimination. I do not have a full time or good paying job, I have several part time gigs. But I am going to make it through. Today my daughter asked me if God was going to reward us for good behavior-ever. I told her that our life is actually pretty good, but I totally can understand and relate to how she feels.
What I told my child was:”No matter what happens, I will protect you. Having a man around is wonderful, but sometimes that does not happen. Sometimes women have to stand up for themselves, actually we have to a lot.” I wanted to tell her that her dad sucks and that he is a weakling and he does not do what he is supposed to do and if he did none of this would have happened. I have told her before that we should call her dad and ask him to say something to the neighbor and she basically let me know that he was too wimpy to help out.
Have I mentioned before how insightful and on point my kid is? I feel that sometimes there is too much pressure on her as an only child because she is always with me,so she knows what is going on. I can only pray that God allows relief to flood into our life. I can’t be a warrior and gladiator 24/7 like Olivia Pope does. I do not have a boyfriend like she does. I certainly do not have the POTUS protecting me all of the time and making sure no one hurts me.
I want to get on my knees and pray. I really really do. I just do not have it in me to ask God to help me with this. I really want to, but sometimes I feel like my prayers do not matter. That is not having faith I know, but I really do try. I had a breakdown last week. I was weepy and sad, which is not me at all. It totally is not. But I am seriously feeling as if I do not know what to do.
If anyone is reading this, pray for us please. I know that you do not know us. I know that these matters may seem very trivial. But they are not. Being worried about having a job that will fully support us, being worried about what else will happen in regards to my living situation and figuring out how to continue to hold it together with all of the above going on is not easy. I seriously have to keep my daughter from feeling worry or stress.
I will try hard to get on my knees and believe. I will tell God that I know he has my back. I will thank and praise HIM through it all. I have no choice because after all-Faith is the only reason that I am still standing here. LITERALLY…