I had someone “check me” tonight. Have you ever had that happen?

I saw a woman tonight when I was “browsing” at Neiman Marcus. She has worked there for years and she is such a beautiful and lovely person. I was meant to see her and I have actually tried to find her the last few times I have been in there and she was always off. So, this was ordained I feel because I was just leaving the mall and I saw her. Also because of the words that she spoke to me. Actually God spoke through her. For those of you who do not believe in this kind of thing, good for you. But I know this happens. It happened tonight!

So, she basically told me that there was a lot of hurt and pain in my heart. That I am a good person with good intentions, but I cannot get my breakthrough with God because I am letting all of my past hurt stand in the way. It was like a triumph for me and a slap in the face at the same time. She said I have to get my heart right. I was thinking, hmph-my heart is fine. Then I started thinking about how I get angry a lot with what I deem as stupid drivers, shoppers and annoying people in general. A lot of us in DC get aggravated because there are so many people around all of the time and there is so much competitiveness. It is probably a part of why I have changed. But a switch has been flipped recently. I truly am not happy like I once was. I still appear to be happy go lucky, but inside I am stressed and anxious.

 I have been in such turmoil lately every night about my life and my past and my mistakes and my present and on and on. She is so right. I need to face my demons. Get on my knees and ask God to forgive me and to help me forgive. The letting go I am always talking about has come to bite me in the butt. I am a hypocrite in action. I continue to tell people about letting go, but I guess I am not practicing what I preach. That is why when I do my church’s social media I feel like such a big incredible phony. I believe that God is great. I believe in the Bible, but I am not fully living it.

The question of the day is: Does anybody ever live it? If they do, I want to meet them and ask them how! I am going to ask for God to search my heart tonight, but the truth is I am scared to see what is lurking there. But my friend is right. It has to be done in order to move to the next step of my life, God’s plan for my life.

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I am good at inspiring other people. But I cannot set out my own life plan-why is that?

So, I have been inspired by tv lately. I want to have a career. I want to have excitement. But I do not know how to go about it. Flowchart? Poster board on the kitchen wall writing all of my hopes and dreams and challenges in marker? Or write in chalk on my kid’s easel so that I can change it, or erase it? I have fear. Fear of getting rejected. Flat out fear of falling on my face. Fear that I do not have a lot of work experience when many people my age have been working in a field for 15 or so years. I once again fall back on faith. 

I feel like this is the most pensive I have been in my life. Thinking all of the time and wondering and worrying and dreaming. It is like I am having an out of body experience and I am watching my life. I am critiquing myself as if it is not me. I am in this highly enlightened state and I do not even do drugs and it is not the 60’s and I am not getting a doctorate in philosophy. 

So, why all of the thinking? I do not know if God is bringing something great to me or if God is trying to show me something or show me how to get where I want to go and where He wants me to be. So, my posts may sound a bit redundant. Like a cat chasing its tail, but I am verbally working out all that is in my brain.

So please bear with me as I stumble towards all of this greatness. I have no choice but to believe that all of this unhappiness and uncertainty and much I have been stuck in is for a purpose. 

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

1 Corinithians 13:13

So, should I get a Crisis Management job like Olivia Pope or is Social Media Manager a bit more, hmmm calm?

I am contemplating trying to get a job working for a Crisis Management firm. Before my current ADDICTION to Scandal, I never really knew those jobs existed. I knew about PR firms and such, but Crisis Management encompasses Law and PR and Social Media. It is exciting and stressful and can many times be very high profile in this area (DC). It is interesting to know that Judy Smith is the person who Scandal was created for. It is of course a loose interpretation of her life. But still!

I am ready to start an exciting career. Something I love. I am so good at social media and I do it for a couple of organizations which is another reason that I do not write in this blog a lot. But it is safe and second nature to me. Crisis Management is harried and crazy and unpredictable. I think that having a kid would make it super duper tricky, but I am really ready to shake things up a bit. Everything is so humdrum as of late and I am looking to change my life.

So, what to do what to do. Realistically speaking, I am probably not qualified to do CM, but a girl can dream:) As silly as it may sound, I am finding strength in the drama of Olivia Pope. I feel like I can do anything and nothing can get in my way of achieving my dreams. The truth is, that if we all thought that way and spoke positive affirmations to ourselves and about ourselves that we would not have to be empowered by a fictional character. 

I know that the Bible should be my guide. I should feel pumped up and protected and strong by its words. But the fact of the matter is that I do not read the Bible like I used to. I ask people’s opinions, I watch tv shows, I blog about things. Why can’t I bring myself to be disciplined enough to sit down and read the wonderful lessons that the Lord laid right out there for us to show us about our lives on earth.

I do not know if it is the type of language used, or if the situations do not seem to apply to what is happening in 2013, or if I am afraid. Afraid to let God reveal to me HIS plan. Or maybe I do not prioritize my relationship with God like I do my tv shows! It is embarrassing to say it! But I am slack in my relationship with God at times. I am a deacon at my church, I do social media for my church and yet I am not reading my Bible and praying as I should. I should be ashamed, but I think that I am in a rut.

A spiritual rut, a career rut, a lack of relationship rut. I am just feel so disconnected to everyone around me. And everything. I am going to try so hard to start doing the one-a-day Bible reading program. I feel that it is hypocritical of me to discuss Christian topics when I am not reading the playbook that God left for us. So, starting tonight I am going to read one verse. Not a whole chapter or book of the Bible, but one verse at a time.

It is so amazing that I always start writing about one thing and I always end up speaking about my faith, or lack thereof. I cannot imagine what it is like for someone who does not believe that there is a Higher Power. I truly feel so sorry for them. Though I am a clearly flawed Christian, a night or day does not go by where I do not think of God or thank HIM for something. Good night friends. Have faith or reach out to God and find some. It will make a difference in everything that you do…

FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT! Is it part of being a woman, or just because I live in the DC area?

So, I have not been on here in a little while because I have been putting out what I feel like are fires all over the place. Okay, so we are not evicted, which was almost the case 2 weeks ago because of a neighbor who has taken revenge on us ever since I made a noise complaint in March. I had to fight to tell them that I am not the noise maker. To fight to tell them that they have no proof. Fight to say, “what happened to mediation?” Fight to say I felt that I was being discriminated against. The eviction letter got voided. But since then, my car has been tampered with and now there are 2 long scratches down my car. 

So, I call my mom to tell her how I feel and what my plan is and she tells me to do what she always does-LIE DOWN AND GET SCR—–. Do not get me wrong, I do love my mother. She has helped me financially, has been like one of my best friends, is a wonderful grandmother, but she does not stand up when it counts.

She stayed married to my “father” for 17 years while he cheated the ENTIRE TIME! Then she got married when I went to college to someone who was described by one of her lifelong friends as “socially retarded”. He wanted her to stay home and be up under him to get fat with her and to have no friends with him and most of the time, she did. Then he died of cancer-GOD rest his soul. I was not fond of him, but it was an aggressive cancer. So a year later she went on a date with someone from childhood and married him a year later. He too is grouchy and jealous, but is much better than the first two. Bottom line, she has to have someone around to fight her battles.

I am either not as good at attracting men, God is sparing me from the bad ones, or I am over it all together. The point is, right now my only recourse is to take up for myself. I am about to enter a legal battle over housing discrimination. I do not have a full time or good paying job, I have several part time gigs. But I am going to make it through. Today my daughter asked me if God was going to reward us for good behavior-ever. I told her that our life is actually pretty good, but I totally can understand and relate to how she feels.

What I told my child was:”No matter what happens, I will protect you. Having a man around is wonderful, but sometimes that does not happen. Sometimes women have to stand up for themselves, actually we have to a lot.” I wanted to tell her that her dad sucks and that he is a weakling and he does not do what he is supposed to do and if he did none of this would have happened. I have told her before that we should call her dad and ask him to say something to the neighbor and she basically let me know that he was too wimpy to help out.

Have I mentioned before how insightful and on point my kid is? I feel that sometimes there is too much pressure on her as an only child because she is always with me,so she knows what is going on. I can only pray that God allows relief to flood into our life. I can’t be a warrior and gladiator 24/7 like Olivia Pope does. I do not have a boyfriend like she does. I certainly do not have the POTUS protecting me all of the time and making sure no one hurts me.

I want to get on my knees and pray. I really really do. I just do not have it in me to ask God to help me with this. I really want to, but sometimes I feel like my prayers do not matter. That is not having faith I know, but I really do try. I had a breakdown last week. I was weepy and sad, which is not me at all. It totally is not. But I am seriously feeling as if I do not know what to do.

If anyone is reading this, pray for us please. I know that you do not know us. I know that these matters may seem very trivial. But they are not. Being worried about having a job that will fully support us, being worried about what else will happen in regards to my living situation and figuring out how to continue to hold it together with all of the above going on is not easy. I seriously have to keep my daughter from feeling worry or stress.

I will try hard to get on my knees and believe. I will tell God that I know he has my back. I will thank and praise HIM through it all. I have no choice because after all-Faith is the only reason that I am still standing here. LITERALLY…

Aside

Dear Readers:

I really want to write on my blog everyday. I love writing so much. It is one of my talents, passions and outlets for my emotions. I unfortunately have had car troubles, housing issues, money problems and sometimes talking or writing about all of it makes me even more sad.

I talked to a friend today who seems to have it all. I usually try to stay fun and perky when around her, but I could not get through a phone conversation without crying. I do not know how to keep being strong and be a good example for my daughter while my life is crumbling all around me. I am holding onto FAITH so tightly that I slept with the Bible in the bed the other night, perhaps for protection?

I will appreciate it very much if you all understand that I am not giving up on Faith. That is the very premise of this blog. I will also be super grateful if you will hang with me while I am in the major transition period of my life. I am waiting and searching and yearning to know what God’s plan for me is. Sometimes I do not feel that there is a plan.

But, because ‘faith is all that I can stand on’, I will keep marching on. I will write on here when I can. I will be open and honest and I will share my triumphs (hope I have some) and my struggles (too many of these). Thanks for being supportive. 

Sincerely,

Faithful in DC:)

I have NEVER felt this tested in my life. EVER…

I feel like I am going through a bit of a personal hell in my life right now and I do not understand why. My kid and I almost got kicked out of our living situation today because of jerk neighbors that continuously harass us with noise, but complain if we make noise back. I have lived in my neighborhood as a renter for almost 10 years. I am a respectable person and I am respectful. I expect to be treated in the way that I treat people. I do not expect silence, but I do demand that people realize that they cannot do whatever they want without any repercussions. 

I have dealt with this jerk since March and things have been annoying and iffy the whole time. I received a cure or vacate notice in June and we both laid off and did not complain and let things ride for a long time after the letter. Last weekend he decided to act like an a– and have a bunch of people over and make ridiculous noise. I did not bang on the ceiling, but I made noise as well. Why it has been okay for him to act like a neanderthal and make excessive noise and I am supposed to swallow big spoonfuls of his sh– is beyond me.

I got the letter today to say that I would have to move because of excessive complaints against me. So, I went straight into survival mode. I went to a legal aid kind of website to get legal help and then I did something better. I went and spoke with the person that sent me the notice and her regional manager. I yelled, I cried, I spoke nicely, I spoke in a matter of fact way. I spoke with anger. I spoke with sincerity.

Thirty eight minutes later, the letter was rescinded. I still do not feel at peace though. What if this guy complains again? What if I do something that he perceives as retaliatory? Will we be kicked out of our home? Will we have to scrimp and scratch to move somewhere else? 

I can hardly think about how it would be to have to move somewhere else. We moved within our community in March and I pretty much did it alone. Our new place is cozy, yet larger. It faces the woods and the three fountain pools. It feels like we have a backyard, which we really do not because no one does in our area-all condos and townhomes!

But no matter, it is our home. Our good friend who is getting signed to an agency wants me to relocate to NYC if she makes it big so that I can be her publicist. In my teens and 20’s, I really wanted to live there. The DC area is more my speed. A bit slower, but still with tons of culture and arts. But with all of the drama that has been happening in my life lately with friends and jobs and now my living situation, I am all in.

My kid is going for an open audition in February. Our friend who is “making it” works there and feels sure that my child has what it takes to really go somewhere in the entertainment world. I never wanted that because I want my child to have a childhood. People have approached her ever since she was a baby about modeling or commercials. When she turned what I felt was the appropriate age, she auditioned and was signed with an agency outside of Baltimore. But it is a weak agency with no organization and few opportunities and her contract is up in March.

So, I am praying that she gets cast in something big. If only it pays for her college, I will be happy because she will have her dream and have her future set. She wants a career at it, and if she truly wants that and is not a child who is just dreaming, then I want it for her as well. But I am in no means pushing her into that life. I have always until now run from it. But with what is happening with us here, I am wondering if God has something big planned. I keep feeling pushed and pulled in everything that I do.

There is no peace. Nothing is working out the way that it should. Does it mean that I should step out on faith and move? Like-move away? Start fresh? Apply for jobs out of the area? I just do not know and I am not the type of person that can hear God speak to them. Perhaps that is a more advanced Christian, or someone who listens better, or someone other than I. 

I know one thing though, after the way things have been going for me lately I am going to spend a lot more time being still with God. Right now all that I want to do is cry and give up and rage and fall down. I cannot do that though. Not for myself, or my daughter or for God.

I am here on this earth for some reason and I will keep on trying to figure out what my purpose is. I know that I am here to be a mother, but I cannot imagine that I was put here to keep going through so much drama and very little light at the end of the tunnel. Pray for me people. I really really need it right now. 

Thank goodness that I still have faith. I would not be able to type on this blog if I did not. Good night and God Bless~

The Lord answered, “If you had faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say to this mulberry tree, ‘May you be uprooted and thrown into the sea,’ and it would obey you!

 Luke 17:6

 

Something amazing is happening to someone I love and I am not jealous. I am extremely PROUD!

A “kid” that I used to babysit for 10 years ago is now entering her last of the teen years. To celebrate this momentous occasion, she just got 2 final call backs for these MAJOR NYC/LA agencies! She actually works for a talent management company in our area, and the owner told her that the final call back “means something”. 

This girl is a prettier and softer looking Uma Thurman, and not so giant. She is sweet and kind and innocent and so old for her age. She has been through a lot in childhood and has never really believed in herself. She is gorgeous inside and out and now that she is being “chosen”, I think that it is sinking in that she is special. And that my friends is a wonderful thing. Especially at her young age.

To have the aha moment that I and many people are still searching for and that some never find. Some of the things that happen to people in my life bum me out because I do not think that they are deserving. They are not really giving or super kind. They are out for themselves and have never had it hard in any way that I can tell.

Take my friend aka my niece who is on her way. She really deserves this. She really will appreciate that. I have talked to her more verbally this week than i have in the 8 years that I have known her. She has told me how much over the years my positive aspirations to her have kept her going. That she attributes most of her success to me!

I do not actually believe I have done that much to help her. But who can trust me? A near middle aged mom who has yet to have her “moment”. I still do not completely believe in myself in the way that I should, but I expect people to believe in themselves. I damn near push them into it. 

It is honestly because I see something that they don’t and I also want them to go for their dreams and to have few regrets. I spent my 20’s and most of my 30’s now wasting time over failed relationships. My one victory or accomplishment besides my education is my child.

I am sad that I wasted time. Sad that I let the wrong people have control over my success or my happiness. That is why I am so invested in other people because I want to teach them the most important thing that everyone should be aware of. “Life is not a dress rehearsal.” 

No, it is not…