Glad to have a friend-not sure about much else…

So, my friend took me to dinner for a belated celebration. We ate at the bar of  a pretty decent restaurant that belongs to a very popular restaurant group in DC. It is crowded 24/7, so the bar was the smart place to eat. We chatted and I had a drink and we ate and I drank one more drink. Then it was straight up water and conversation.

I was so happy to be out with one of my best friends ever, but the night was off kilter for some reason. She started chatting up this very handsome man next to her who was also married and very interesting. He is from another country, but has been in the US awhile and he told us so much about his culture. I really liked him as in I could be a friend of his. Cool kind of guy.

Then he had this “used car salesman” friend who kept getting calls. These guys were easily late 40’s. I would be willing to say the ‘slick’ one is probably 50ish. Who races off on their phone that much at 10 at night in their 50s? He was like a wanna be player or something. I wasn’t feeling him as much.

Anyway, a majority of the night was talking to these people whom we will never see again probably and then we left the spot and walked to our cars and boom, the night was over. My friend started telling me how badly she wanted me to meet someone and why did I not get the unmarried guy’s number and I was just confused by it all. He did not make a pass as far as I can tell. He was not my type and honestly, I do not feel like there is a guy for me at all in the DIstrict.

I do not want to put negativity out there, but it seems that way. I think that my friend just wants me to be happy. All of her friends are married with supportive husbands and 2.5 (or more children) with the family dog and mini-van. It is a picture that I somehow envy and fear at the same time. Then she speaks of inviting her good friend to dinner next time and I kind of attacked by saying that I could not go to dinner with her perfect friend with her first world problems.

Whoa, it is my issue right? But the conversation between us was going weird and I know that she meant well, but I already felt strange about how the night went and how the talk was turning into how I never try to meet anyone. I am gorgeous she says. I wanted to scream, “IF I AM, WHY IS THERE NO ONE FOR ME?” But I just told her nicely that I felt that Dc did not have my kind of men. Or at least the suburban guys. They either wear polos or khakis all of the time, or shorts and flip flops. I feel that the rural counties in VA take holiday in DC on the rare occasions that I go to dinner with a friend. Like the fashion police of the District is on break when I go eat and I am stuck with poorly dressed tourists, or just men who have never had any style.

I am not snobby towards guys. I am actually very nice. But I never feel that I am anyone’s type. It isn’t my friend’s fault. But, when I go out with her and her cute little self, I feel that she is Charlotte and I am a mixture of Miranda and Carrie. Half cynical and half all over the place. I feel that I am missing that backyard barbecue experience of a sprawling suburban home. That, “let’s have a neighborhood holiday party” (Halloween, Christmas-take your pick), where friends are at the ready and there is something to be a part of.

I am the free thinker. The artistic one. The person who is not traditional in that I am a single parent, but I am not dating. I attend church often.  I work odd jobs though I am educated so that I can stay home with my kid. The one that sacrifices self to better my child’s life. The unmarried, apartment dweller with a full schedule, but a seemingly empty life.

I feel pitied sometimes and that makes me sad and angry. I feel like the girl at school with no prom date. The beautiful one left behind because of some flaw that can not be glossed over. Part of it is me, but part of it is that we are so totally different. She is cared for, I am the one doing all of the caring. She is supported, I am the supporter. She has someone to protect and look out for her. I am that for myself and my child.

She is everything I am not and that is okay in fundamental ways. Like I love the freedom I have to go where I want with my daughter when I want because I do not have several children holding me down. I love that I am an out of the box thinker and that I do not have the views or experiences of every one around me. I love that I do not always fit in and that I can be an individual.

I also hate that I do not fit in. I hate that I am alone. I hate that there is no man there to hold my hand and let me know that things are okay. I have no one to support me if I can’t find work. I am still fairly young and I am dependent on myself and I am failing miserably at being a provider. I provide love and support (non-monetary), but I am not making the bills. I need a man for that right?

So, I do not know if it is the a-a-a-a-a alcohol or if it just that she knows my history and she loves me and wants to fix me. Or if she feels that I am fabulous but need work or help. But lately when I get together with her, I realize that we are on 2 very different planets and I hope that we do not drift so far apart on our paths that there is nothing left. 

I should feel good when I go out because it is so seldom. I should come home refreshed and relaxed. instead I came home with the urge to let all of my feelings out onto this computer screen for fear of bursting if I did not put it all out there. Thanks for reading and hearing me out as I sort out my jumbled emotions. Thank God that I am not a heavy drinker or a regular drinker. This line of thinking is too heavy to carry around all of the time.:)



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