I went to a wedding of a relative of my ex this weekend. My daughter was in the wedding and looked so beautiful and so old! She is now past the flower girl age and is in the junior bridesmaid category. Man time flies.
I had a surprisingly good time. I have not been close to my exes family historically because they gave me sh– from day one. I don’t know if it was because I am from Euro descent and they are from a different culture or if they just didn’t “get me” or didn’t want to. (probably this one) I do not think that the white part was really the case because the relative that got married, married someone not only from another culture, but from another continent. The two cultures could not be more different.
Anyhow,I was a little worried as to how things would go, but one major pain in my arse in the past who really caused a lot of problems for me was actually pretty cool and fun to hang with an the other one was not there. I channeled my inner “Joan” (see Mad Men) by wearing a very figure flattering dress. I danced for four hours straight, and I talked with and was kind and warm with everyone. I pitched in and helped with last minute wedding details, I was congenial and grateful to be included and displayed all of the southern belle qualities that I could pull out of my Spanx.
It was fun, because there was “Eastern” and “Island” traditions meshed into one groovy hippietastic wedding. I cried, I laughed, I participated and I even tried hard to not stress about the money I spent to get my kid there. After all, I went for her because she loves the person who got married. She wanted so badly to be in the wedding and I scraped and scrambled to make it happen and I am so glad that I did. Correction, glad that the Lord allowed me to get there and make ends meet to enjoy our time their fully.
I learned a lot about what I want out of love in the future by viewing the love between this unlikely match. I learned that people that we love should not be people that we wish to change. That people we love do not have to have our same ideals. People that we love should have different interests and should not mold to the other person’s life completely. It is okay to be two separate people that come together at the right time. It is so wonderful to be eclectic and odd and have someone be the perfect fit to your puzzle, another eclectic and odd piece.
I want that. I want to laugh more than I cry. I want to have people that are so happy for me and my guy that they travel day and night to see us celebrate our love. I want to find such a wonderful man that will treat my daughter as his own and not expect me to push my kid to the side. A real man who accepts the “full meal deal” for real. Not just at the beginning. Someone ready to be a grown up all of the time and be their through pleasure and pain.
I thought a lot during this whole wedding weekend and after very little sleep and not so pleasant accommodations, I was so glad to leave their marital bliss to my solitary life with my kid. To lie my head on my pillow and return to my simple but happy life. I returned to a cozy and homey nest that may be devoid of passionate love, but is full of familial love. Overflowing with blessings to many to count. Though I may not have the love of my life to share my day with, I have my wonderful kid who at this point is enough.
I dream of a time when I have more, but at the same time I am just so glad to be here that I don’t dream for long. I just relish in the simplicity of knowing that when I lock the door and turn off the phone that I do not need to be concerned about what is going on with anyone but us. I can plan our days and spontaneously decide on another adventure without considering another person’s (adult’s) wants or needs or wishes. We can play with Barbies, or eat on the living room rug while watching a silly show, or listen to whatever we want on Pandora without pause or care.
Romantic love may be elusive now. But the love that I have is a parent is greater than I ever imagined. One day she will grow up and not be around to fill my schedule and time and I understand that. Perhaps then I will have a love that I cannot live without in the form of a husband. Until then, I will decorate pumpkins and bake cupcakes and be glad to be here. Not just at our home, but at this stage in our lives. Though I may feel lonely and feel that I am an outcast in coupleland, I do believe that God’s timing is perfect and “here” is where I need to be.
Ecclesiastes 3:1 ESV
For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven.