Why do we keep fooling ourselves? Our country is on a downward spiral and “We the People” will be the first to fall…

I am so frightened as to what will happen to our country and what our children and grandchildren will have to face. I know as a person who is a believer in Christ should not have fear in my heart and mind, but I am human. I feel what I feel and as much as I try to give my burdens over to God, I still get scared.

I don’t think that Obama is doing a good job. I do not think that people in House or Senate are keeping their promises. I am not a “party” person. I am a person that believes that the rules should apply to all. I believe in the Constitution. I do not believe that people should get benefits if they do not try to better themselves. I however do think that there is a place for programs that help people. I have found myself of need of help at a time when my husband moved out. The help was “tiny” in the grand scheme of things, but I appreciated it at the time. It wasn’t for long, but it covered me until I got myself back on track.

The point of this blog is that we cannot continue to spend like their is no tomorrow. “We” meaning our government. Borrowing endlessly from ruthless China, as of this week-severing our diplomatic ties with Saudi Arabia. I do not know what is going to happen and that is what is so scary. We are not the powers that be, which means that we have no control over our destiny.

But do we really ever? God knows the ending, but can we influence what happens between the beginning and the ending? We have free will, but are rendered helpless at the mercy or our increasingly corrupt government. Is it time to pull a Boston Tea Party up in here? Speaking of Tea Party, why do the media and hard-core liberals hate them so much? I am not a part of their movement, but how is it so different from other progressive movements? They are sick of the status quo and are trying to change things. I commend any group (almost) that takes a stand and practices what they preach. How annoying is it to constantly hear people harp on all of our problems and never contribute to the difference that they so desperately seek? Yesterday, there was an NSA protest at the capitol. (If I did not have prior obligations, I would have been there!!!) I personally think that it should have been at the White House. We are fooling ourselves if we think that the president himself has no clue as to what is going on with the wire-tapping. I have said many times how much I love this country. We have flaws, but so do all countries, but we are going in a direction that I never imagined. I think that we all spend so much of our time sharing cute YouTube videos, talking about the Real Housewives of whatever, or talking about the awesome play that the quarterback of whatever team made for that week. But where is the dialogue about what is happening in our country?

I just do not see it enough. I am not one to be a doom and gloom person. But I am also not one to pretend that everything is “lollipops and kittens”. This is the end of my PSA. My rant about our fragile economic and national state of things. I only hope that more people wake up and open their eyes wide to the demise of this great nation that we live in. If people keep pushing the “ignore” button every time these kinds of topics come up, then it will not be difficult at all to succumb to whatever the government has in store for us. Naivete is no longer an excuse. There are too many ways now to access news to play the ignorant card…

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What do animals mean to you? If not much, please do not own one. Ever…

This weekend I kept a friend’s dogs while they went out of town. I went over Friday night and walked them and fed them. The same with Saturday morning. Saturday evening, we walked into chaos. The cage had poop all in it. There were are also dark marks everywhere on the towel that I later found out was blood. After cleaning furiously and changing out the towel, I gently placed the sick dog back into the crate. I walked the other dog and came back in to call my friend yet again. I called 10 times probably before reaching her. They were on a family trip you see. A few hours away. I was a nervous wreck, describing the scene including blood and poop. I then explained that the sweet little girl dog would not eat or drink and that she was slobbering at the mouth. 

My friend went on to say that she gets sick sometimes and that it is okay. I was not convinced. I again explained what the deal was and she told me not to worry. So unconvinced, I stayed around another 2 and a half hours. My child was ready to go eat dinner and I did not want to leave the dog. I called the owners again to say that the new towel as my daughter pointed out had “black stuff all over it again”. She said that the dog has gotten sick before when they went out of town and not to worry. Well worry I did. I thought about the doggie all night. I am thinking of her now, that is why I woke up from my sleep and it is almost 2 am.

So, I prayed while I ran like an Olympic runner up the stairs to their place and I was saying, “please Jesus let her be fine. Please God let her be alive.” I was running so fast that my daughter could not keep up. We walked in the door and I fell apart because I could tell that she was not alive. I called my friend and I was blubbering so hard. She handed the phone off to her husband and I was in shock at his reaction. He started talking about how these things happen and nothing could have prevented it. How they do not blame me and they are not the type to take the dog to the vet to see the cause.

I was FLABBERGASTED! I am balling on the phone and that is what he said. Then they asked me to remove the body and place it on a plastic bag. I was a wreck then. I lost the pet love of my life in the summer that I had been lucky enough to have for 2 decades and I was to lift this dead animal out of the cage and cover it up? The only reason that I complied is because there was another doggie there looking up at me in confusion. I could not leave the corpse of his “sister” lying there for him to wonder about. 

So they called me again when I was in the car going to church to see if I was still at their place. I proceeded to tell them that I did what they asked and I was upset,etc. The husband in his monotone still, got on speakerphone to assure me that there was nothing I could have done. Hell yeah there was! Take it to the vet for one thing! But it was their pet, their wishes and their wisdom (?) about what was best for their pet.

I am still sickened by the way it all went down. That sweet doggie may have been too far gone, but what if she could have been saved? At least been attended to in her last hours by professionals that could have eased the pain or kept her comfortable. The two kids in the car when I called apparently were crying, but had shown no real attachment to the dogs previously. I guess they learned what they lived.

Why have pets if you cage them most of the time because you do not take the time to train them? Why have pets if you do not care enough to see about them? Why waste their lives like that?

I have guilt about not seeing about my cat in enough the last few years of her life. I had no idea she was ill. I spent a lot on her the last 6 months of her life when I realized she was ill, but to know she was sick and to ignore it? I could never do that. These people are much better off than I am and could afford the care. 

What makes people tick? Why do people do the things that they do? Age old questions. I guess I need to stop judging them, but right now I just can’t. I am not answering their calls or returning their texts. They feel bad now and want to make sure that I am okay. Shouldn’t it be the other way around? If they were different people and had let me taken their pet to the doc and it passed away that way, I would be calling to check on them. I would be texting to see if they are fine. 

It breaks my heart and makes me sick all at the same time. I wish I would have held the doggie that night and stayed by her side. I wish my kid would have not had to go through that again so soon after losing our pet. I also wish that they were different people but they are not.  I do now view them in an unflattering light and do not know if I will ever feel the same about them again.

Life is short. Live with no regrets. Always trust the gut feeling so you will never have to say-“I should have”….

Glad to have a friend-not sure about much else…

So, my friend took me to dinner for a belated celebration. We ate at the bar of  a pretty decent restaurant that belongs to a very popular restaurant group in DC. It is crowded 24/7, so the bar was the smart place to eat. We chatted and I had a drink and we ate and I drank one more drink. Then it was straight up water and conversation.

I was so happy to be out with one of my best friends ever, but the night was off kilter for some reason. She started chatting up this very handsome man next to her who was also married and very interesting. He is from another country, but has been in the US awhile and he told us so much about his culture. I really liked him as in I could be a friend of his. Cool kind of guy.

Then he had this “used car salesman” friend who kept getting calls. These guys were easily late 40’s. I would be willing to say the ‘slick’ one is probably 50ish. Who races off on their phone that much at 10 at night in their 50s? He was like a wanna be player or something. I wasn’t feeling him as much.

Anyway, a majority of the night was talking to these people whom we will never see again probably and then we left the spot and walked to our cars and boom, the night was over. My friend started telling me how badly she wanted me to meet someone and why did I not get the unmarried guy’s number and I was just confused by it all. He did not make a pass as far as I can tell. He was not my type and honestly, I do not feel like there is a guy for me at all in the DIstrict.

I do not want to put negativity out there, but it seems that way. I think that my friend just wants me to be happy. All of her friends are married with supportive husbands and 2.5 (or more children) with the family dog and mini-van. It is a picture that I somehow envy and fear at the same time. Then she speaks of inviting her good friend to dinner next time and I kind of attacked by saying that I could not go to dinner with her perfect friend with her first world problems.

Whoa, it is my issue right? But the conversation between us was going weird and I know that she meant well, but I already felt strange about how the night went and how the talk was turning into how I never try to meet anyone. I am gorgeous she says. I wanted to scream, “IF I AM, WHY IS THERE NO ONE FOR ME?” But I just told her nicely that I felt that Dc did not have my kind of men. Or at least the suburban guys. They either wear polos or khakis all of the time, or shorts and flip flops. I feel that the rural counties in VA take holiday in DC on the rare occasions that I go to dinner with a friend. Like the fashion police of the District is on break when I go eat and I am stuck with poorly dressed tourists, or just men who have never had any style.

I am not snobby towards guys. I am actually very nice. But I never feel that I am anyone’s type. It isn’t my friend’s fault. But, when I go out with her and her cute little self, I feel that she is Charlotte and I am a mixture of Miranda and Carrie. Half cynical and half all over the place. I feel that I am missing that backyard barbecue experience of a sprawling suburban home. That, “let’s have a neighborhood holiday party” (Halloween, Christmas-take your pick), where friends are at the ready and there is something to be a part of.

I am the free thinker. The artistic one. The person who is not traditional in that I am a single parent, but I am not dating. I attend church often.  I work odd jobs though I am educated so that I can stay home with my kid. The one that sacrifices self to better my child’s life. The unmarried, apartment dweller with a full schedule, but a seemingly empty life.

I feel pitied sometimes and that makes me sad and angry. I feel like the girl at school with no prom date. The beautiful one left behind because of some flaw that can not be glossed over. Part of it is me, but part of it is that we are so totally different. She is cared for, I am the one doing all of the caring. She is supported, I am the supporter. She has someone to protect and look out for her. I am that for myself and my child.

She is everything I am not and that is okay in fundamental ways. Like I love the freedom I have to go where I want with my daughter when I want because I do not have several children holding me down. I love that I am an out of the box thinker and that I do not have the views or experiences of every one around me. I love that I do not always fit in and that I can be an individual.

I also hate that I do not fit in. I hate that I am alone. I hate that there is no man there to hold my hand and let me know that things are okay. I have no one to support me if I can’t find work. I am still fairly young and I am dependent on myself and I am failing miserably at being a provider. I provide love and support (non-monetary), but I am not making the bills. I need a man for that right?

So, I do not know if it is the a-a-a-a-a alcohol or if it just that she knows my history and she loves me and wants to fix me. Or if she feels that I am fabulous but need work or help. But lately when I get together with her, I realize that we are on 2 very different planets and I hope that we do not drift so far apart on our paths that there is nothing left. 

I should feel good when I go out because it is so seldom. I should come home refreshed and relaxed. instead I came home with the urge to let all of my feelings out onto this computer screen for fear of bursting if I did not put it all out there. Thanks for reading and hearing me out as I sort out my jumbled emotions. Thank God that I am not a heavy drinker or a regular drinker. This line of thinking is too heavy to carry around all of the time.:)

 

Go with the flow-like I have another option???

I would love to say that I am laid back and go with flow. But, if I said that then I would be straight up liar! I have learned over the last almost decade as a parent that if one never goes with the flow and always demands control that  the controller will be miserable and so will the controllee.:)

 I being the quintessential organizational Virgo, I like a plan. I want that closet organizer to fit perfectly with the shelving unit and for the last sweater to fold in to the cubicle just perfectly.I want the toothpaste in the drawer. I want the bag packed for the outing the next day with snacks, sunscsreen and whatever items are necessary for said outing.  For instance, we are going on a field trip at a pumpkin patch tomorrow. So, my head is spinning. Cowboy boots for both of us-check check. Plan for snacks-check check. Cash on hand-yep. You get the point.

So, this whole parenting thing and marriage (used to be married) thing threw me for a loop. Pillows are not always in place. Meals do not always go as planned. Sometimes we eat in the car. On a rare occasion, my kid gets a baked potato 2 nights in a row from a fast food establishment if our activities are crazy. At times I wear the same outfit for 3 days if I have not gotten it dirty, not had it on for long when I am out each day and if I do not go to the same places and see the same people.

So, far from my personal shopper at Nordstrom days, I have compromised. I still look put together. Toes done, earrings on, bracelets and earrings in place. UGGs or open-toes, I hate socks. But, I shop at Old Navy or Target. I use my fab accessories to “guge” up my blah cheap clothes. I am not the fashion plate I used to be, but I ‘go with the flow’. Capiche? (as my kid says) I do not feel that I have settled, but I have de-stressed. I have realized that life is too short.

I was yelling at my darling girl as I was taking laundry out of the dryer to do something and I was shaking my head because she never listens. Then I paused, smiled and was grateful for that moment. So grateful that I am smart enough and going with that good old flow enough to realize that her untidy habits or lack of desire to be a neat freak is a gift. A gift in a way that 15 years from now I am going to wish like heck I had her around to shake my head at. I will one day open the sliding glass door and no little fingerprints will be all over it. The backseat of the car will not be a rolling toxic waste dump.

My child will be a grown up. All of the fussing and impatient attitudes that I get with her will be for naught. I will not be able to pack lunches and take control of anyone’s life but my own. Not that I am a control freak per se, but I love taking care of people. Part of that is organizing and caring and loving and ordering around.

I hope one day that she will look back and cherish the times that I wanted things to be so lovely. That she will think with pride at how nice our home always looked (minus the hardly mopped floors) and realize how much I cared. How much effort I put into taking her to her weekly activities and making plans for the several times a year holiday parties and all of the playdates I work out around schedules. 

For now, I will try to pull back a bit on the “you never” blah blah blah. Or “why don’t you listen” yadda yadda yadda. And instead I will smile and appreciate every moment to my ability. The same way that I did a month before I finished high school. I looked around and thought, wow. This is it. Things will never be the same. Isn’t that true with every major thing in our lives? No matter how we try, time keeps on slipping. So off to tidy her room I go, so not a moment is lost tomorrow of playing and enjoying this wonderful life that I have been given with my angel.

Good night my wp friends. Wherever you may be…

We are all writers here, so chill out okay???

Hello my fellow bloggers. Some of us are amateurish, some are well-trained, others are professional. There are a small percentage that could make it big like J.K, Rowling. So, why all of the mass hysteria and drama? If one of these writers is lucky enough to get a comment of any kind, be proud. Feel blessed. I haven’t written consistently on any of the blogs I have done, this one I have worked to keep current more than any of them, but I do not receive comments.

So…UNSOLICITED ADVICE-don’t be ticked off when someone comments and it is not what you want to hear. True writers, hell true people, will respond to your writing in a real way. I do not mean insult their writing style, I mean just not agree with them all of the time. I can’t believe how childish some bloggers act when people send a retort that is not up to snuff with their line of thinking.

As for people like Opinionated Man, ( I usually do not mention bloggers) he is calm and cool when people have things to say. I give him kudos. That is why I continue to read his work even if I do not comment regularly. Life is insane lately for me. I digress, if you know one of these overly sensitive bloggers, or if you are one-take a chill pill or tell “them” to take one.

After all, blogs are a place t share our lives, thoughts and dreams. If people do not feel the same as you do all of the time or share your point of view, tough. Thus is life.

Life is short, God’s way of encouraging a bit of focus.  ~Robert Brault

The magic in everything

One reason that I enjoy being around my daughter-besides the fact that I love her-is that she finds magic in everything. In every moment. There is no dreary day in her life. Honestly, I am very similar. No matter what is going on in my life, I power through and try to enjoy every breath. Well most of the time:)

But the magic that kids have in their eyes and in their hearts is something that would be wonderful to be bottled. To uncork the bottle and sprinkle one dash of that joy and spark. One little pinch from the excitement we all felt as kids. How awesome that would be.

I remember the total elation I had when the Sears Christmas catalog came in the mail and I was so so excited to dog-ear the toy section. My wishes were endless. Everyone that I knew was the same way. We would talk about it at school and go over our selections. It is not that we were materialistic like today’s children. There just were not toy store in every shopping center. There was not an online to find out about all of the cool toys. This catalog was the one source. (well there were others, but this one was THICK)

I remember being so overjoyed to get my plastic kitchen that was shaped like animals. I think the fridge was a hippo and I remember how colorful it was. One Christmas I received a trampoline. I could not believe that it was for me! I spent the next 3 years on it religiously and then I became an adolescent…

Though all I am talking about is material items, times were different then. Christmas was different. It was special. Christ was at the center of it. The big stir about the gifts meant so much to children because we did not get gifts on a daily, weekly or monthly basis back then. Birthdays and Christmas were the big occasions. We had to wait all year to get the latest gadget.

Unlike today, where 8 year olds have better phones than some adults do.  My daughter has a friend in the first grade who has a laptop and an e-reader! What kid deserves that? Kids expect it though and get it. I could have demanded until I turned blue but I would have not had my demands met. Parents did not give their kids everything then.

My kid gets her share of things. Do not get me wrong! But she has no DS. Or laptop. Or Nook. Or Ipod. Maybe when she is a teenager she can have an Ipod. But why would I do it now? So that she could put earphones in and become a teenager at a young age, not communicating with me or anyone because she is so glued to a gadget? My friends say that I can set limits with it.

These same parents have given their children all of the aforementioned gadgets and they are speaking to me about limits? Okayyyy…The point is, why even get the item? Why buy something knowing that it will be an issue? 

Back to the magic. My kid has it. She still has young and innocent eyes. She finds wonder in a spider web. She is a bubbly and gregarious little person. She carries on clever and interesting conversations. She takes a break to play her Wii once or twice a week, but it is not an obsession. Because she does not have these handheld electronic versions of adult cigarettes at her beckon call, she can be a kid.

She can twirl and run and jump and dance. She can dream and paint and write and create. She can help me re-discover the magic in everything. From the pink sky at sunset to the drops of dew on morning moistened grass. Life is a mystery. Magic is in the air. Magic in her heart. It inspires everyone she meets. It makes them want to find the joy and innocence too. 

Thank God I have her here to remind me what really matters in life. The belief in things unseen and hope in things that seem hopeless. Not having to wait for Santa to believe in miracles, knowing that they are in the lives that we have been blessed with.

Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.  Proverbs 22:6

 

When a close friend is in the hospital, everything else seems lame…

I just found out that a dear friend/family member is in serious condition in the ICU. Thinking of that made me wonder why on earth I care so much about stupid people and situations. Life is fleeting. Another friend of mine and her husband are going through the trenches too. He has leukemia for the 2nd time and just had a bone marrow transplant. 

I am worried about employment and money. I do have legitimate concerns. But in the grand scheme of things they are so minuscule. I try so hard to wake up and just be thankful for merely getting the chance at another day. Most of the time I truly am. But I get caught up in crap. Minutiae. As humans, we face tragedy and know that bad things can happen, so why do we do the Bill Murray/Groundhog Day dance and keep repeating the same damned mistakes!

Excuse both my language and my frustration, but I want to be better. I want to be one of those people that is so full of joy that sarcasm would be a distant cousin rather than an immediate family member. I wish to be the kind of person that no one would have anything negative to say about because I am that good of a being.

Are there people actually out there? People that are content with their position in life and only longing to please God? The only person that I can think of besides Jesus of course, is Mother Teresa. She gave up living in the world totally to be with the unloved. The people that many Americans and other cultures would feel were less than.

Was it divine appointment? Or is it that she “got it”. She truly knew what is expected of us in exchange for the gift of life. I do not know that I am capable of getting it that much. I am thankful everyday that I get to spend with my kid and that I have not missed out on one ounce of her childhood. I am thankful for our cute place and for my mom and good people in my life.

However, I am not enlightened enough to appreciate it as much as I should. I am not so deeply spiritual that I can ascertain the bigger picture in all of the little dramas that compile my life. Or maybe I am on the road to figuring it out? I am writing this post tonight…

Here’s to your journey. May your relish the good and the bad and know how lucky you are too.