What kind of genetic makeup or lack of conscience can a person have to not spend time with their kid? I had a crappy father who put booty before his babies. Literally. I remember catching him with another woman on two different occasions and he acted as if he was inconvenienced of course after being shamed by being caught. I haven’t talked to this “father” in 20 years. I was in my later teens when we last spoke and I was close to being an adult but not quite there. I was going through a lot and I was not speaking to my mom at the time. I was finding myself and I moved in with him after 2 years at an out of town college that did not go well. I drank too much, partied too much and studied too little. I had major dad issues and had no clue at all.
He relented and let me move in and it was great for the short 2 or 3 months that it lasted. Well, it wasn’t exactly great. He treated me like a guest-an unwanted one. There was never anything to eat there. He left ugly notes if I left the ceiling fan on, or for pretty much any reason. I worked 40 hours per week. I spent the weekends with my friends, so I was only there 4 nights a week. I wasn’t even there until after dinner, yet I felt like a mooch the whole time I was there.
I didn’t have guests there except my half brother who he pretended not to know was his son. I acted like I was dating him and my father did not even warn me that he was my brother. Sick! Even though bringing my half brother around was trifling, the fact that I did not even know that he existed until I started that job was even sicker. We grew up in the same town and were one grade apart! Thank God we went to different schools or we may have hooked up! I had heard rumors that I had another sibling, but how weird was it to meet him when I was living under my father’s roof! Now that is irony for you.
But the whole point of this is, he did not have anything to do with me most of my childhood. He drove by our house everyday for 6 years and only dropped by to leave the child support check. That is an odd feeling, seeing your father drive by your house and not even stop to see how you are. I did not understand until the last 10 years or so why I have been so screwed up with men. This is why. The insecurity, the bad choices in men, the desire to stay with them even when I want to break up with them, the choice to let them get away with more than they should. I lived it!
So when I had that one chance at the end of my teen years to live there, I should have known he would be a dick. Fast forward to today. My little girl was crying before bed and I kind of yelled for her to not make excuses because it was bedtime. She said: “I only want to text dad one more time.” He didn’t respond the 4 times she called today. He was busy when she called at work, which is typical for his line of work, but he didn’t answer her cell call tonight. What a sick bas—- he is!
I do cuss him out via text sometime, as I did tonight. I always erase it so she won’t read it later. But I get so sick of her going to bed crying over him. I will have to hand it to her though. She is consistent. She keeps trying, she keeps crying and she still holds out hope for this loser. I am at my wits end with this situation because I want him to be better to her than the way I was treated. I don’t want her to turn out to be me. I want her to be more successful and make better choices all around. I am trying to break the bad cycle. Hell, my mom made bad choices and did not even have a bad dad, so the rules don’t always match up. But the point is, I made her mistakes and even worse because I had a crap dad.
My little girl is worthy of more. She does not deserve to waste precious time in her childhood crying over someone who is just not a good person. But it is her dad, so she aches. I never did. I just suppressed it and slept with different guys searching for a dad. I am glad that she freely expresses her feelings and shows her hurt. I do not want her to have this pain and anguish, but better that she get it out now than screw up later like i did.
I actually asked her tonight how it felt to be sad about her dad because I never was. I never felt empty on a conscious level. I did not cry when he let me down. I just moved on mentally because I knew he was not a good parent.
I read a book called: “Good fathers, good daughters”, and all of the stuff in it was right on point. I know there are exceptional people like my daughter, who will not fall into the fray, but I was a victim truly regarding the need for a dad. I slept around, I finished school late, I did not stick with jobs long term, I had bad relationships. Of course I was young and dumb, but I think that my life would have been far grander with a great dad in my corner. It is not to say that all moms are perfect. There are crappy moms that put men before their kids and walk away from their families. There is just a disproportionate amount of men who do this. And, it is being discussed because I am living it all over again with my child.
So, I read the book that was meant for my husband at the time to read. I decided that I would play the father role to the best of my ability as well as the mother role. I know that I can’t really do both, but I am trying my darndest. I also have my kid around solid male role models-not alone with her-but they are apart of her life. Even though I am not crazy about my ex hubby’s family, there are some positive men that are good for my kid, so I stay close with them for her sake. I have friends with awesome husbands and I make sure to point out to her that there are good men out there.
I tell her that her dad loves her to the best of his ability ( I don’t want to say this) but though it is not enough for her, he does what he knows. I do also tell her that his behavior is selfish and that it is not because of her. I am as honest as I can be with her without tearing him down. I want her to choose better, feel better about herself, reach higher, not settle for less. I will make sure that she is not a victim because of an absentee parent. Even though her dad is a deadbeat, it does not mean that she has to be a product of it.
Girls need their fathers, I know that it is true. But I try to remind my daughter of how good she has it. I also tell her that her heavenly Father has her back and I know that it is not the same, but it is much better. I even tell her that every family she sees is not as perfect as she thinks. I am sad that I have to tell her all of these things, but it is her reality right now. I pray for her dad to change, but I honestly think he won’t. God can fix anything, but if a person does not think that they are wrong, and are not willing to try then why should God try? Isn’t that what free will is about? I hope that by some miracle that he will change, or that my daughter will someday not be pained by his absence, but comforted by the Lord’s presence. Someday…
And call no man your father on earth, for you have one Father, who is in heaven.