When I was young I used to be fearless. I wore what I wanted, hung out with who I wanted (which was dangerous in the closed-minded south), I almost always said what I wanted. I had self esteem issues, but they were not obvious. I seemed to be the kind of person that did not fear much and felt secure about who I was. That is true to a degree.
Now, rewind a couple of decades. I am afraid to date. Afraid to go out and try new things. I do not go much out of my comfort zone. I am far from a wallflower, but also far from the brazen girl I was in my late teens. I can’t figure out if it is because I am a mom now, or is it because I have loss that glimmer that I had. One friend’s mom told me 20 years ago that I was different and I had-PIZAZZ. I thought that was an awesome compliment.
I think that I still am different and unique and not like the identical jello molds of women that surround me and club and troop and athletic classes my kid is in. I have a vitality and special quality that separates me from the herd.A big part of it is that I am naive at heart.
I still believe that true love is out there for me. I still strike up conversations with people everywhere I go, imagining that people are good and that there is an opportunity in some of them to form a friendship. I still marvel at the beauty of fall as if I am a child seeing an autumn colored leaf for the very first time. I continue to get an excited feeling around Christmas time and I wish desperately that Santa could make my wishes come true. I wholeheartedly list my resolutions for the New Year and believe ferociously that the next 12 months will change my life/attitude/situation (every year). Most importantly, I still believe that somewhere in the depths of all of my feelings that I never get what I want or what I feel that I deserve, that GOD has a plan for little ole me.
So why the fear? Is it because fear is safer? If I fear, then I do not get too involved, therefore do not get attached enough to hurt. If I fear, then I hold myself back from disappointment. I don’t think half empty in these fearful situations, I more so just do not believe that there is anything at all in the glass. Regardless of what reason I fear, I do believe that is holding me back from; achieving my dreams, getting that job, meeting that guy, getting the body I want. The fear of God is supposed to be the only fear that we have, so why do I give in to all of this worldly fear?
I think because it is hard to be on the Godly path all of the time. Especially for me in thought processes. I can treat people well, give of myself, do good deeds, volunteer my services, etc. But when I am alone and I start thinking too much, I go from praise to crazed. I doubt myself and others and think the worst about people and I use negative ideas about them to cushion my heart. Maybe my rejection of their having good intentions shields me in the event that they do not. No matter, I really have no choice but to work on this fear thing, because it is not helping me in my life and I am sure that it is not a good influence on my kid. From this moment forward I will work on replacing negative thoughts with positive ones. I will believe the best in others and I will try not to condemn someone before getting to know them.
I will keep you guys posted on my anti-fear project. Maybe admitting it is the first and most important step to my reaching success. Here’s hoping…:)