Today I rode on a trail that I have always been interested in. I usually stick to neighborhood bike rides. To the store, or to the park or a long loop around the whole area-3 miles max. Today, I went for it. Loaded our bikes and we went on a ride that was longer. The wind was blowing, the scenery was amazing and the sun was too hot! But I rocked! We did more than a 12 K (close to 8 miles). I honestly could have gone on longer if it was not the hottest part of the day.
Then…we went for another athletic adventure but this time on 4 wheels for two hours. I did not fall and bust my butt once. But my lower back pains me! Is it lack of core? Fear of falling so I am constantly correcting? No matter, I took a hot shower just now and it was a close tie to the best shower of my life. My muscles and back thank me profusely.
Well, I crashed before finishing this post and I slept until 1115! A never for moms. Thankfully my kid slept until 10 and I am so grateful for protein meal bars. My sweet girl grabbed one out of the cabinet and poured herself OJ. She knew I needed the rest. If it would not have been my bday weekend, I can assure you that I would have been up earlier.:) Now I sit in a Starbucks while my kid is at a science party. Then off to to racquet and teninclub and then I promised I would keep 5 kids for my friend tonight. Is this truly MY weekend? Not so much.
But back to proving myself. I am trying to wear dresses more. Trying to be more physical (exercise), and am working hard on reevaluating what I offer to the world and what the world offers me. I am in essence trying to see if I still “got it”. The it being-appeal. Am I attractive enough, energetic enough, likable enough? It is as if I am in the Westminster dog show or something. What am I hoping for in proving myself to the world?
Perhaps, redemption. Redemption from my many mistakes and flaws. Redemption from bad choices. Redeeming myself from the error in trusting man and not GOD. Wanting acceptance from people or relationships that are not worthy of my time because the people I have tried to please are not really together or worthy themselves. I guess because I no longer feel sexually attractive, that I feel that I am not a whole person. Is that stupidity or what?
A woman who is intelligent, a good mom, educated, and good-looking to the average person (minus the extra 45 pounds), a great friend, reliable person, with a good heart-whew-is wasting precious time trying to prove something to people who do not really matter. Well at least in this exercise of futility, at least one thing has been accomplished. I gave myself positive affirmations. That is a big step. I have been known to be hard on myself. UNDERSTATEMENT of the millennium. I do not know why I insist on proving to other people that I am deserving.
I can’t figure out if all of this stems from the fact that I am near the age of the big milestone for women. Starts with an f-o and ends with t-y. Something about that age makes many women question their youth, life’s accomplishments and their beauty. I know, I know that men sometimes go off of the deep end at (shhh 40) and buy an overpriced sports car and trade in their spouses for a new model. Why do we do this? Do all cultures obsess over this age, or is it only Americans that plain out refuse to grow old gracefully? Not that my age is old, but our culture thinks that it is. At least our Hollywood culture. Which is sickening. Those people are so botoxed and bleached and phony. Yet we use them as a way to measure ourselves? We let those control our political decisions?
I am using “we” loosely. Because, though I apparently am questioning my appeal, I don’t read those Hollywood trash mags. I don’t care who they are voting for. I don’t bleach and botox and lift. I unfortunately though am influenced by their take and larger society’s take as a whole on what relevant is. I guess the real question is if I feel relevant. After getting oodles of calls and messages and facebook shout-outs yesterday, I felt important to some people. I guess in the grand scheme, the fact that there are more than a handful of people that think I am special and valuable should mean a hell of a lot more than if I get wolf whistles when I walk down the street. But for some reason, at least at this point, it doesn’t. At least not totally.
Along with working on my spiritual life with God, and my physical fitness, I promise to work on exercises that help me to value who I am and what my contribution is to the world. No matter how small it is, I am here for a reason. And, I highly doubt it is just to be a sexually attractive James Bond kind of gal. Though that would be nice, I will settle on being healthy. Mentally, spiritually and physically.
Thanks for reading. Have a blessed and happy Saturday.~