I got this package today from a relative and thought that it was a nice thought but, I could really do without the dollar bin stuff. Despite the fact that I am always purging items, I really don’t want inexpensive throw away items sitting around especially. Then I opened the card and there was cash in it. I instantly felt like I had been shamed. Slapped by my own cynicism. I felt like a complete heel and a superb smart a–.
I have always said that the thought is what counts. But is that really what I mean? Why would I think such rude thoughts about the gift I received if I believed my own cliched statement? This relative is also very testy and bitchy and has gone through periods of causing family members grief by stirring the pot and by being jealous. So my attitude is not totally unfounded. But still, I have never considered myself a jerkette until that moment.
I didn’t speak any of my before and after thoughts aloud. This is all an internal struggle between the little devil character on my left shoulder and the Godly character on the right. This is how I know that there are spiritual forces at work among us all of the time. Not because of a silly complaint about a particular gift, but because I feel shamed for my thoughts or reactions on a regular basis. Did I mention that mankind aggravates me as of late? Anyway, I will sometimes think that someone is such a snob and then they speak to me. Or I can’t believe that the person is cutting me off in line and how rude and pompous they are and then they apologize profusely.
I make snap judgments a lot! I don’t know if it is a Virgo thing, because after all we are critical people. Critical of ourselves, others and in our thinking. I am not a wacko that believes in the newspaper horoscopes or anything, but I do believe in the personality traits of the signs. It is true most all of the time. I am a Vibra. My bday is at the end of the Virgo phase making me closer to a Libra with some of my traits. I digress again! I don’t mean to judge people like that. Maybe I feel inferior or I am tired of how rude people can be. Maybe it is the area in which I live that makes me have such a disdain towards people. Maybe it is because I have been trampled on and hurt by people.
No matter, I am not proud of my immediate reaction. Often times I am right about people. I can tell from the jump if they are good for my life or not. But like that gift today. I do make mistakes. Maybe the sender is a bit of a cheapo. A lot of people are that way. But honestly, hauling her cookies to the post office and filling out a card and wrapping everything individually is a nice gesture. I spent 40 dollars almost on shipping and bubble wrapped envelopes today to get out a bunch of bday packages. It is an effort to put everything together and fill out the address and wrap everything.
I am sometimes not thankful for what I have and for that I am ashamed. At least I have received 2 cards, a package, money and a gift card and my birthday hasn’t happened yet. Not to mention that I received the sweetest email from a friend today whose husband is suffering with cancer. She took the time out to think about my birthday.
Yep, I like cake and pie is not too bad. But humble pie is the worst. I have been trying to trim down my waist and eat less carbs. I think that I too will try to trim down my negative thoughts and stay off of the defense for awhile. It is not a good look on me…
Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven. Luke 6:37