It is not fair that I expect so much out of my kid. My kid is “gifted and talented”, mature, good at lots of things, well-behaved. But sometimes I get so frustrated because I give, give, give and she takes all of the time. I know that this is the way nature intends for it to be, I provide for her needs and teach her and nurture her and she grows into a happy and responsible adult.
But today, I had a tantrum. A fit. A full fledged meltdown over something so stupid. She would not help me with this huge metal shelving unit in her closet. I was sweating, I couldn’t get the pieces to line up and I said, “help!”. She came in, assisted for 3 seconds and hauled butt back to what was interesting her. Then I yelled for her to come in, told her she had too much crap in her closet and told her that I was doing this for her so that she could see her toys so why wasn’t she interested in helping…
I apologized, I hugged her. I explained why I was so annoyed and why I was yelling. But it was only partially the truth. I am exhausted. I am mentally spent. I need a day to lie in bed, eat ice cream, read Real Simple, watch a chick flick and not have to be somewhere. I need to not think about my money situation. Zone out and forget about making others happy. Stop thinking for a minute about how disappointed I am in her dad, some of my “trends”, my lack of luck in job search, etc.
Yes, she was to blame in that she wasn’t committed to helping and was focused on self. But who is not focused on self at an elementary age? Hell who isn’t focused on self period. I go out of my way to help others, people at church, etc. I swear to you in the middle of my helping them they start bitching and complaining about their First World/White People Problems. Lately I have been calling them out on it. In their world, maybe it is something. But the other day I had it. I asked my Waspette of the year friend if she would like to change her problems. That I had real problems. I am the breadwinner. I do not have enough money to pay bills. I am not being taken care of my a man.
Was it right? No. Did that put more of a divide in our friendship that I wonder more and more about? Yes. But dangit! I am sick of it being about everyone else. I used to be the share all and tell all of drama kind of girl. These last few years, I tell less because I don’t want to be one of “those” friends who everyone dreads. But it is not to say that they do not know what is going on. I just don’t share it in every conversation.
I don’t know if I need new friends. Need a break, a vacation, a new outlook, or what. But after hearing about today’s shooting rampage, my problems suddenly seem very First World and petty and selfish to even share. But I feel that with the anonymity of this blog I can do that with less guilt. I hope that my problems are something that people can relate to. Or that they can show others how a friend may be feeling or a co-worker. I hope that I can in someway touch someone and help them see that they are not the only one. If it does not, then at least I feel a little more at peace. If mama is happy, everybody is happy! 🙂
In all seriousness, let’s all say a prayer for the people that were attacked/injured or emotionally affected by today’s tragedy. I am so sad for their pain and loss. I am so thankful that we were not down that way today…
Psalm 46:1-3 ESV
To the choirmaster. Of the Sons of Korah. According to Alamoth. A Song. God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way, though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains tremble at its swelling. Selah