finally the pieces are beginning to make sense but they don’t fit comfortably

The last few months have been tumultuous emotionally for me as I have indicated in every single post. But in weird ways or through God’s blessings, things have fallen together when they needed to. I was approved for credit when my cat was sick, I was approved for credit when my brakes went out. When my 2 part time jobs ended I got 2 more part time jobs. I have been so stressed out on how to get my daughter to the out of state wedding that she is in because when I rsvpd and agreed to let her be in the wedding I did not know I would be so broke. But, lo and behold I got approved for BillMeLater on ebay so I was able to get the tix.

This is all financial, but isn’t financial a part of everything that we plan or do? I sometimes see Amish people different places that I have traveled and thought that they were some of the strangest people I have ever come across. Thinking tonight, I realize how uncomplicated their lives are. They dress alike. They don’t put their looks as a priority. They don’t put “things” or “activities” as at the top of their lists. They consider family, hard work, religion, and community as the only thing on their agendas.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not ready to go without electricity. I can’t imagine letting go of my smartphone or my wireless. Giving up my latte from Starbucks is the farthest thing from my mind. But I really do wish that I could stop thinking and worrying about money all of the time. It is an inevitable part of living in the modern world and when you have enough of it life is grander, not perfect, but I bet I would sleep better with more of it.

I would not be online looking for jobs, budgeting my money, scrounging up some cash to pay for things, or setting money back or selling things on ebay just so that I can buy a plane ticket that is not expensive to the average person. I spent around 5 hours since last week trying to figure out how I could get cheaper tickets. I have to leave in the middle of the night to arrive at the airport and the beginning of the weekend and I have to do the same the end of the wedding weekend.

I am thankful I got approved for credit. But I want to be one of those people who can type in the date and destination, hit buy and that is the end of it. But I am just not there. I never have been. Is not having money one of my crosses to bear or is God testing me so that when I have money I will be humble? Either way, I am sick of the number crunching. If I was getting paid for it like an accountant then I wouldn’t mind it so much.

For now, I will as always try to be so blessed and happy that I have what I have. That all of our basic needs are met and that we have a rich life (no pun intended). My kid’s laughs and excuses to not go to bed and creative songs and playing make-believe with her toys is a treasure far greater than gold or diamonds…


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