Is feeling scorned better than feeling nothing at all?

I do not know if I have mentioned it to you before, but I get very involved emotionally in hour long shows that I binge watch either online, on my phone or through our gaming system. I was watching one of my faves the other night and the raw emotion of a trouble relationship brought memories flooding back. The feeling was so familiar and wrought with anxiety and yet I felt comforted by it. 

Was I comforted by the person that tore my heart apart when I felt that way long ago, or was I comforted because of memories that were sweet when I thought the relationship would be a forever bond? Doesn’t that  kind of  make me a sick puppy to long to feel that feeling that one gets only when involved in a romantic relationship when they are going through intense scorn or pain?

Maybe it does, but it only shows me that I really really really need to think about romantic love. Just because I am a single mom and I devote every second of my life to my kid, doesn’t mean that there isn’t another part of me locked away ready to appear again. That hidden part of myself is  kind of like the Bogart,  in The Prisoner of Azkaban (for all of you HP fans),  that is locked up in a trunk just waiting for the chance to morph into a memory or fear of someone because being a fear is better than being locked down and forgotten.

Okay bad analogy here perhaps, but I am hoping that you get my point. I have pushed that sentimental/romantic/relationship side of myself so far away that I get an emotional reaction from a television series and start reminiscing. That is not only sad, but it is telling of how much I need to say no to others and yes to myself. Pray for me people. I am scared to death of a relationship, but one part of me is dying to be in one.

Oh, back to sticking to my September resolutions, I have not “moved” enough. But on the bright side I have eaten pretty healthy since my post. Not perfect, but an 80 percent improvement or something like that.;) I have only said yes to one commitment and I found another job! It is not my dream job, but it will pay the bills until I can find what I really want. So now I have two part time jobs.

Now I have to make out a schedule because planning makes me happy. Once I feel settled again in my life I will prioritize prayer and physical fitness. Its like my finances are falling into place, I have decided what I am committing to and what I am not:).  With all of those pieces placed strategically, my physical and mental health will naturally improve. As much as I live a crazy and hectic life, I have to have a kind of order to it so that I can function happily and so that things get done in a timely fashion.

Feeling good tonight. I am very tired so I am going to listen to my body for once and get some rest. That is a HUGE part of what I am going to have to be consistent about while trying to be as physically fit as I can be-sleep. I read somewhere today that people that sleep 7 hours or less are 15 percent more likely to be overweight. So tonight, I am going for my 7. Hope that you all have a bright side to your dilemma or drama today.

Have faith and God will prevail. Though I am not completely satisfied with the way things are in my life right now, I feel that things are improving. We can’t say to God: “Please fix my life!”, and actually expect results without playing a role in the repairs. God gives us free will true enough, but if we do not use that and our brains to propel ourselves forward HE is not going to do it all for us. We have to work for it, want it and do what it takes to actually deserve it. Prayer, Faith, Hope and Love are keys to reaping our rewards…G’nite.


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