I find it funny that I have had many issues with in-laws or family members or friends over the years and when I tell some of my friends things that I have been through or dealing with, they act as if it is my problem. As if I am a mega-complainer, drama chaser, root of the problem. But why is it when they come to that place in their life, or relationship or job or whatever-it is important because it has happened to them.
I want to shout at them and say: AHEM! Excuse me? Didn’t this same situation affect me 2 months ago or 6 years ago and you painted me as someone with a flair for the dramatic? The common denominator in all of the problems? Time and time again, I have seen it happen with people that I know where they have had these super easy lives with little strife and it goes against the WASP woman code to have too much to say about a subject or to complain too loudly. So my thoughts, feelings and emotions are cast aside until the shoe is on the other foot. I told one of these folks today that their First World Problems were too much for me to listen to.
Then I started realizing that if I can’t be me and feel that I have to restrain myself and my opinions, why am I friends with some of these women? It is different coming from them because they are not trouble makers and they do no wrong and they are the sweet ones. I am really learning my lesson and have been for 15 years, but it has suddenly come to light that I CANNOT put Faith in MAN! The only faith that I can depend on is through Jesus Christ. I am let down time and time and time again because people disappoint me. My friend that is moving is having a hard time because I am the only one of her friends in town who is there everyday helping out. I have only been close to her for close to a year or maybe less though I have known her for four. These friends she has known for 15 years! But she was living the high-life then. Eating out every night and buying nice things and going nice places. Now she has no job and has had to make cutbacks, the friendship has suffered as a result.
Wonder why? It is because it is a trendship. When things are sunny and glorious, people are coming out of the woodwork. When a person needs a helping hand, then it is hard to find anyone who has the time of day to give to help out. It is disheartening and sickening when it happens. But it eventually will, to everyone because it is human nature to trust and then to be royally screwed in the end by someone.
The friend I was talking to today-she hasn’t been let down much by her perfect little friends because she has suffered no hardships. One day soon, she will be calling about how she was going through whatever with whomever and how they were not there. But of course, dependable me who is not even part of the perfect friend group will pick up all of the pieces and say poor thing, when all I want to do is say I told you so. Sometimes I do, but other times I just listen because things have a way of turning around and people eventually fall. I am not excited and overjoyed when it happens, but it is kind of like an ‘I told you so’ without me having to say a word.
If it sounds like I am jealous, I am not. I think sometimes hurt because I do not get treated like one of the other ladies. I am not wealthy (in this area it means I don’t have a husband support me), I am not with my husband any longer, I work, and I homeschool (why on earth would I want to do that is what they think). So basically I am not a white bread suburban DC housewife, so I don’t cut the mustard. I am not at the holiday barbecues. I may do a spa day with my friend or a mom’s night out event, but I am never invited with everyone and it is “because I am one of her best friends.” But what it really means is that I do not fit into the scene. I am single and that is either threatening or bothersome because it is all couples and their multiple children. Did I also mention that people in this area multiply like friggin’ rabbits? So I am a single mother with an ‘only’ child. Whoa. Too different and an interracial child to boot. Now the heavy stuff is coming out. I don’t think all of my friends here feel that way. But a couple do. They would never say it, and probably are not conscious of their decisions or treatments towards me because they are good and decent people, but it does not mean it does not hurt. The bottom line is their worlds in their eyes are greater than mine and when they are faced with problems, they too are greater than mine because it disrupts their utopian worlds.
Once again, the real girl with the real world problems comes in last. But I just can’t pretend anymore. I stopped learning how to do that when I stopped playing with Barbie’s at age 12. I feel it so strong in my being that I cannot succumb to fake behavior and surface level sweetness. I feel, I cry, I am passionate, I am deep, I am thoughtful, I am funny, I am sarcastic, I am smart, I am loving, I am me. If that is not good enough, then it is tough stuff because I can’t give anymore than what I already do and I shouldn’t have to…
“Even my close friend in whom I trusted, Who ate my bread, Has lifted up his heel against me.” Psalm 41:9