Is it really ALL or NOTHING?

Why is it that many times we settle or have nothing? That we stand for something or fall for anything? I feel that when I am my most authentic self, God does his magic. What is happening at the time may feel like anything but, but GOD’s plan if far greater than any plan that I could put into Word and Excel.

God removes people for a reason even when it hurts that they are no longer around. HE brings people in that are the most unlikely, or so we thought, to be the friends that we need. He clears out our personal gutters. It hurts to feel rejected or ignored, but aren’t those sometimes signs that we should not ignore? For instance in dating, if someone snubs us and doesn’t return a call, or ignores us or hurts us don’t we get pissed? So why put up with it for so long and so much in friendships and marriage? 

Sometimes I think that the loneliness factor is the reason. Facebook and blogs and other social outlets make us feel that we are empowered by large numbers. If we don’t get more than a certain number of birthday wishes then we must be failing in someway. Or if enough people do not read our blogs, or “like” our pictures. The electronic universe as turned lives of twenty to forty somethings into a gigantic middle school. There are so many lies floating around and embellishments so that someone can seem cool and wanted and important.

But is it all a guise? Or are there some people who have 800 friends on facebook and 50,000 followers on facebook something special? Are they lonely on their birthday like a lot of people or are they out with 100 of their closest friends being treated to a royal celebration? Do the numbers mean that these people hold a special trait that other people don’t get, can’t understand or aren’t “cool” enough to display?

I am one of the ones with the smaller amount of friends and likes. Part of it is because I like it that way and part of it is because I have not kept in close touch with people over the years because of moving or other reasons. Sometimes I feel like I should have a larger circle. Every time I try to expand it, I feel GOD pulling it back in again. 

My questions are: Is it to focus more on HIM? Is it so that I can have more quality in the circle of friends I have? Is it so that I can only be around people that have good hearts and whom are more Godly? 

It drives me crazy, because I just can’t figure out the sudden shifts in my life and in my relationships. I feel that something big is in store, but I hope it is big and positive. Something so wonderful that I will write it in all caps and I will be forgiven for just that one day. Please pray that this is true. I could use a fabulously holy miracle right about now in my life…

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Occupy Wall Street? BOLLOCKS! How about Occupy Ivy League!

I was listening to news on the radio and I was shocked at how much money Harvard University receives every year. It is in the billions. High billions. Then I started thinking about how hard-core liberals preach about equality and “the man” and equal treatment, etc. Why is it that these same people have Ivy League educations?

If these people are truly ‘down for the cause’ or are concerned about EVERYMAN, why do they go and get degrees from these places? These are the very places that house the bankers and the over used term “one-percenters” parlay. So doesn’t this socialistic, darned near fascist view of the Occupiers and their academic supporters seem a bit-hypocritical?

Love me or hate me, but I am real. I am consistent. I am socially liberal (I guess that is a loose term for it) and fiscally conservative. I am not a fan of government schools. I went to them, but that was long ago and they have definitely deteriorated since then. Anyone see “Waiting for Superman?” Anyhow, I believe people should work. I think that people should try their hardest to make their own way. If they fall on hard luck, as many of us do, then the government is a last option. I do think welfare programs are good as a last resort.

BUT, this let the government control your lives by taking care of you, touted by Ivy League educated people who are themselves at the top of wage earners in this country seems like an oxymoron. I can’t understand how “lesser liberals” do not see the irony in all of this. Everyone downed Mitt Romney for being so rich and out of touch. But just because he wasn’t as good at faking it as our POTUS, does not mean that they are different. The pres hardly grew up in squalor. He had an Ivy League education twice over and has lived quite well for most of his life. 

This is the problem with the 2-party system. Settle for one, or settle for more of the same. I am the quintessential independent. I can see both sides, I definitely relate more to one side, but I get so sick of one party feeling that everything that they do is moral and the right way, and the other party is thought to be full of rich and pious. I think that the liberals are as full of rich and pious as the conservatives. The conservatives are degraded because of religion. How about condemning the liberals because of their lack of it? I don’t understand why people think that democrats are the party of the people!

I have a “friend” here who is actually the parent of one of my kid’s friends. He said that he heard that a particular beach that is the closest one to DC is “black” now. I was so pissed. All I could think was, aren’t you a big wig in the local democratic party? Aren’t you supposed to be so enlightened because you are a liberal? That is the thing. In theory, it sounds good. But as a group, when hearing people say negative things about “disparaged groups”, liberals freak. They think that it is wrong and unjust. But get them alone and they are some of the most bigoted people that you will find.

This infuriates me! I have conservative friends that are so “Mother Teresaesque” that I feel like a horrible person. But then I have some that send emails about Obama that are pure tasteless. The same with the Democrats I know. Some are good and some are bad. So why is it that both parties are out to attack each others character all of the time? The bad liberals are lucky because they have the media to further their BS. The extreme conservatives do not have as many avenues to spread their crap.

I think that the whole point of this blog today is: Do what you say. Practice what you preach. Do not be hypocritical in the way that you live. Be real. If you believe something live it. You get the point. I do not now how this extreme liberal agenda has people so duped. But when I look at the money resources of the IVY schools and the crap they are feeding the people that go there, I get not only angry, but nauseous. 

So we have generations of people being told to share the wealth, when the places that they go for education are the ones that perpetuate this whole class warfare crap. All I can do is pray that people open their eyes and think for themselves and listen to many sources. It is very disheartening to know that millions of Americans are so ignorant to take everything that they hear on tv at face value. That is the injustice.

How about Occupy the Media? That is the real social movement that we need…

A malicious man disguises himself with his lips, but in his heart he harbors deceit. Though his speech is charming, do not believe him, for seven abominations fill his heart. His malice may be concealed by deception, but his wickedness will be exposed in the assembly.” (Proverbs 26:24-26, NIV)

Innocence still lives on!

I woke up today, in a hurry as usual. I run to the car, make sure everything is in there that we need for our errands and my child’s various lessons. I walk back to the front door and she is outside anxiously waiting to tell me something. She said: “Mommy! The fairies have come, the fairies have come here again! But this time outside.” Well, I now that the fairies have visited a time or two before;), but I didn’t have any knowledge of it this time. She said, “Look mom, the fairies have painted the leaves!” I look up and true enough, since yesterday the leaves have changed colors on one tree.

Disclaimer, my child is super intelligent and you can’t fool her in day to day life. But, she believes in fairies. She is dedicated to the idea of them. She played Pixiehollow for four years. The only online game I approve of. It ended last week because apparently Disney wants children to not interact in a game anymore. They would rather children play mini-games by themselves or either use phone apps. I digress. But in this world, up until last week, the fairies celebrated seasons and painted the leaves and made sure that pollination happened and were partners in all of the beautiful endeavors that God and Mother Nature partook in.  

I personally love that my child has a high I.Q. and is an advanced learner while at the same time managing to stay innocent. It is a hard balance. I have worked hard to not deceive her, but to let her believe in what she wants. I want her to be a child. Cynicism is for later. Like for my age.:) People tell her, children with no depth, that some of her interests are babyish. If I am in their company, which I often am because people love to come to our place, that perhaps that my child thinks that their behavior is babyish as well. Or their interest, or their lack of skill or whatever it may be. I do not attempt to demean them or hurt them but I simply want them to realize that their point of view is no more valid or better than hers. 

I advocate for my kid. Just like I had to do at her tennis class. I had to tell them that she was in the wrong level and was miserable. Am I a tennis pro? No, but I am not blind and I know that she needed to move up. I feel that more and more I have to advocate for my kids in the case of what is best and to protect feelings and to preserve character. 

Am a helicopter parent? Absolutely not. My kid has sleepovers, she takes 3 weekly classes without me, she goes on play dates without me. She goes to a Sunday school that is attached to a church of people from another nationality that I  have no ties to. She is her own person.

What I am in a parent is someone who wants her to simply enjoy her life while she is young. I want her to be better. Be happier, dream of what is behind the rainbow. Leave notes for fairies and believe that whatever she desires is hers for the taking. 

If my desire to protect her and speak out for her makes me akin to a mechanism that has propellers, then I am what I am. As long as she is loved and feels comforted and safe and remains innocent in this jacked up world, then all is right in our world. For those that have a problem with it, visser!!!

 

Truly wonderful the mind of a child is.

YODA, Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clone

What is it about nighttime and nostalgia?

At night, everything seems sweeter. I don’t mean the night blooming jasmine sweet. I mean that thoughts of my kid who I got aggravated with for not going to sleep, fades into the fact that every moment with her is a treasure. A “like” on a quote that I shared from a friend that is supportive no matter what I say or do, means the world.  The day that had me worried about how I am going to make a living turns into a night of soaking in the tub and devouring a good novel. 

Nighttime can on the other hand cause my mind to go awry as well. Worry runs rampant. Desperation over mistakes with lost loves comes to mind sometimes too often. Sleep doesn’t come when it needs to. Fear rules my brain and prevents me from catching winks.

But the nights when sweet nostalgia and romanticizing mundane events, allow me to rest ever so peacefully. I get out of the tub and blow out the candles and thank God for the fact that I am here on this earth. I push back my body issues. I temporarily ignore my financial woes and love the hell out of life. Maybe part of it is the autumn that I love so much. Or the fact that I have caught up a bit on much needed sleep. 

No matter, I am hoping that I have more nights like this. Nights when I want to reach out to old classmates. Times when I can be so happy that I am exactly where I need to be and fully accept it. Moonlit evenings that allow me to love who I am and doubt those who do not know how beautiful I am. On these nights, I welcome twilight with an open hand in the way that I do when I hold onto a mug of hot cocoa after hours of playing in the snow with my daughter. 

Nostalgia and nighttime, great bedfellows. At least for now…

What kind of person does not want to see their child or make time for them? Is it a genetic defect or are they just jerks?

What kind of genetic makeup or lack of conscience can a person have to not spend time with their kid? I had a crappy father who put booty before his babies. Literally. I remember catching him with another woman on two different occasions and he acted as if he was inconvenienced of course after being shamed by being caught. I haven’t talked to this “father” in 20 years. I was in my later teens when we last spoke and I was close to being an adult but not quite there. I was going through a lot and I was not speaking to my mom at the time. I was finding myself and I moved in with him after 2 years at an out of town college that did not go well. I drank too much, partied too much and studied too little. I had major dad issues and had no clue at all.

He relented and let me move in and it was great for the short 2 or 3 months that it lasted. Well, it wasn’t exactly great. He treated me like a guest-an unwanted one. There was never anything to eat there. He left ugly notes if I left the ceiling fan on, or for pretty much any reason. I worked 40 hours per week. I spent the weekends with my friends, so I was only there 4 nights a week. I wasn’t even there until after dinner, yet I felt like a mooch the whole time I was there.

I didn’t have guests there except my half brother who he pretended not to know was his son. I acted like I was dating him and my father did not even warn me that he was my brother. Sick! Even though bringing my half brother around was trifling, the fact that I did not even know that he existed until I started that job was even sicker. We grew up in the same town and were one grade apart! Thank God we went to different schools or we may have hooked up! I had heard rumors that I had another sibling, but how weird was it to meet him when I was living under my father’s roof! Now that is irony for you.

But the whole point of this is, he did not have anything to do with me most of my childhood. He drove by our house everyday for 6 years and only dropped by to leave the child support check. That is an odd feeling, seeing your father drive by your house and not even stop to see how you are. I did not understand until the last 10 years or so why I have been so screwed up with men. This is why. The insecurity, the bad choices in men, the desire to stay with them even when I want to break up with them, the choice to let them get away with more than they should. I lived it!

So when I had that one chance at the end of my teen years to live there, I should have known he would be a dick. Fast forward to today. My little girl was crying before bed and I kind of yelled for her to not make excuses because it was bedtime. She said: “I only want to text dad one more time.” He didn’t respond the 4 times she called today. He was busy when she called at work, which is typical for his line of work, but he didn’t answer her cell call tonight. What a sick bas—- he is!

I do cuss him out via text sometime, as I did tonight. I always erase it so she won’t read it later. But I get so sick of her going to bed crying over him. I will have to hand it to her though. She is consistent. She keeps trying, she keeps crying and she still holds out hope for this loser. I am at my wits end with this situation because I want him to be better to her than the way I was treated. I don’t want her to turn out to be me. I want her to be more successful and make better choices all around. I am trying to break the bad cycle. Hell, my mom made bad choices and did not even have a bad dad, so the rules don’t always match up. But the point is, I made her mistakes and even worse because I had a crap dad.

My little girl is worthy of more. She does not deserve to waste precious time in her childhood crying over someone who is just not a good person. But it is her dad, so she aches. I never did. I just suppressed it and slept with different guys searching for a dad. I am glad that she freely expresses her feelings and shows her hurt. I do not want her to have this pain and anguish, but better that she get it out now than screw up later like i did.

I actually asked her tonight how it felt to be sad about her dad because I never was. I never felt empty on a conscious level. I did not cry when he let me down. I just moved on mentally because I knew he was not a good parent. 

I read a book called: “Good fathers, good daughters”, and all of the stuff in it was right on point. I know there are exceptional people like my daughter, who will not fall into the fray, but I was a victim truly regarding the need for a dad. I slept around, I finished school late, I did not stick with jobs long term, I had bad relationships. Of course I was young and dumb, but I think that my life would have been far grander with a great dad in my corner. It is not to say that all moms are perfect. There are crappy moms that put men before their kids and walk away from their families. There is just a disproportionate amount of men who do this. And, it is being discussed because I am living it all over again with my child.

So, I read the book that was meant for my husband at the time to read. I decided that I would play the father role to the best of my ability as well as the mother role. I know that I can’t really do both, but I am trying my darndest. I also have my kid around solid male role models-not alone with her-but they are apart of her life. Even though I am not crazy about my ex hubby’s family, there are some positive men that are good for my kid, so I stay close with them for her sake. I have friends with awesome husbands and I make sure to point out to her that there are good men out there.

I tell her that her dad loves her to the best of his ability ( I don’t want to say this) but though it is not enough for her, he does what he knows. I do also tell her that his behavior is selfish and that it is not because of her. I am as honest as I can be with her without tearing him down. I want her to choose better, feel better about herself, reach higher, not settle for less. I will make sure that she is not a victim because of an absentee parent. Even though her dad is a deadbeat, it does not mean that she has to be a product of it.

Girls need their fathers, I know that it is true. But I try to remind my daughter of how good she has it. I also tell her that her heavenly Father has her back and I know that it is not the same, but it is much better. I even tell her that every family she sees is not as perfect as she thinks. I am sad that I have to tell her all of these things, but it is her reality right now. I pray for her dad to change, but I honestly think he won’t. God can fix anything, but if a person does not think that they are wrong, and are not willing to try then why should God try? Isn’t that what free will is about? I hope that by some miracle that he will change, or that my daughter will someday not be pained by his absence, but comforted by the Lord’s presence. Someday…

 

Matthew 23:9 

And call no man your father on earth, for you have one Father, who is in heaven.

Is fear age-related, or based on experience alone???

When I was young I used to be fearless. I wore what I wanted, hung out with who I wanted (which was dangerous in the closed-minded south), I almost always said what I wanted. I had self esteem issues, but they were not obvious. I seemed to be the kind of person that did not fear much and felt secure about who I was. That is true to a degree. 

Now, rewind a couple of decades. I am afraid to date. Afraid to go out and try new things. I do not go much out of my comfort zone. I am far from a wallflower, but also far from the brazen girl I was in my late teens. I can’t figure out if it is because I am a mom now, or is it because I have loss that glimmer that I had. One friend’s mom told me 20 years ago that I was different and I had-PIZAZZ. I thought that was an awesome compliment. 

I think that I still am different and unique and not like the identical jello molds of women that surround me and club and troop and athletic classes my kid is in. I have a vitality and special quality that separates me from the herd.A big part of it is that I am naive at heart. 

I still believe that true love is out there for me. I still strike up conversations with people everywhere I go, imagining that people are good and that there is an opportunity in some of them to form a friendship. I still marvel at the beauty of fall as if I am a child seeing an autumn colored leaf for the very first time. I continue to get an excited feeling around Christmas time and I wish desperately that Santa could make my wishes come true. I wholeheartedly list my resolutions for the New Year and believe ferociously that the next 12 months will change my life/attitude/situation (every year). Most importantly, I still believe that somewhere in the depths of all of my feelings that I never get what I want or what I feel that I deserve, that GOD has a plan for little ole me.

So why the fear? Is it because fear is safer? If I fear, then I do not get too involved, therefore do not get attached enough to hurt. If I fear, then I hold myself back from disappointment. I don’t think half empty in these fearful situations, I more so just do not believe that there is anything at all in the glass.  Regardless of what reason I fear, I do believe that is holding me back from; achieving my dreams, getting that job, meeting that guy, getting the body I want. The fear of God is supposed to be the only fear that we have, so why do I give in to all of this worldly fear?

I think because it is hard to be on the Godly path all of the time. Especially for me in thought processes. I can treat people well, give of myself, do good deeds, volunteer my services, etc. But when I am alone and I start thinking too much, I go from praise to crazed. I doubt myself and others and think the worst about people and I use negative ideas about them to cushion my heart. Maybe my rejection of their having good intentions shields me in the event that they do not. No matter, I really have no choice but to work on this fear thing, because it is not helping me in my life and I am sure that it is not a good influence on my kid. From this moment forward I will work on replacing negative thoughts with positive ones. I will believe the best in others and I will try not to condemn someone before getting to know them. 

I will keep you guys posted on my anti-fear project. Maybe admitting it is the first and most important step to my reaching success. Here’s hoping…:)

I can do more than I thought! Am I trying to prove to myself or to the world that I still “got it”?

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Today I rode on a trail that I have always been interested in. I usually stick to neighborhood bike rides. To the store, or to the park or a long loop around the whole area-3 miles max. Today, I went for it. Loaded our bikes and we went on a ride that was longer. The wind was blowing, the scenery was amazing and the sun was too hot! But I rocked! We did more than a 12 K (close to 8 miles). I honestly could have gone on longer if it was not the hottest part of the day.

Then…we went for another athletic adventure but this time on 4 wheels for two hours. I did not fall and bust my butt once. But my lower back pains me! Is it lack of core? Fear of falling so I am constantly correcting? No matter, I took a hot shower just now and it was a close tie to the best shower of my life. My muscles and back thank me profusely.

Well, I crashed before finishing this post and I slept until 1115!  A never for moms. Thankfully my kid slept until 10 and I am so grateful for protein meal bars. My sweet girl grabbed one out of the cabinet and poured herself OJ. She knew I needed the rest. If it would not have been my bday weekend, I can assure you that I would have been up earlier.:) Now I sit in a Starbucks while my kid is at a science party. Then off to to racquet  and teninclub and then I promised I would keep 5 kids for my friend tonight. Is this truly MY weekend? Not so much.

But back to proving myself. I am trying to wear dresses more. Trying to be more physical (exercise), and am working hard on reevaluating what I offer to the world and what the world offers me. I am in essence trying to see if I still “got it”. The it being-appeal. Am I attractive enough, energetic enough, likable enough? It is as if I am in the Westminster dog show or something. What am I hoping for in proving myself to the world?

Perhaps, redemption. Redemption from my many mistakes and flaws. Redemption from bad choices. Redeeming myself from the error in trusting man and not GOD. Wanting acceptance from people or relationships that are not worthy of my time because the people I have tried to please are not really together or worthy themselves. I guess because I no longer feel sexually attractive, that I feel that I am not a whole person. Is that stupidity or what?

A woman who is intelligent, a good mom, educated, and good-looking to the average person (minus the extra 45 pounds), a great friend, reliable person, with a good heart-whew-is wasting precious time trying to prove something to people who do not really matter. Well at least in this exercise of futility, at least one thing has been accomplished. I gave myself positive affirmations. That is a big step. I have been known to be hard on myself. UNDERSTATEMENT of the millennium. I do not know why I insist on proving to other people that I am deserving.

I can’t figure out if all of this stems from the fact that I am near the age of the big milestone for women. Starts with an f-o and ends with t-y. Something about that age makes many women question their youth, life’s accomplishments and their beauty. I know, I know that men sometimes go off of the deep end at (shhh 40) and buy an overpriced sports car and trade in their spouses for a new model. Why do we do this? Do all cultures obsess over this age, or is it only Americans that plain out refuse to grow old gracefully? Not that my age is old, but our culture thinks that it is. At least our Hollywood culture. Which is sickening. Those people are so botoxed and bleached and phony. Yet we use them as a way to measure ourselves? We let those control our political decisions?

I am using “we” loosely. Because, though I apparently am questioning my appeal, I don’t read those Hollywood trash mags. I don’t care who they are voting for. I don’t bleach and botox and lift. I unfortunately though am influenced by their take and larger society’s take as a whole on what relevant is. I guess the real question is if I feel relevant. After getting oodles of calls and messages and facebook shout-outs yesterday, I felt important to some people. I guess in the grand scheme, the fact that there are more than a handful of people that think I am special and valuable should mean a hell of a lot more than if I get wolf whistles when I walk down the street. But for some reason, at least at this point, it doesn’t. At least not totally.

Along with working on my spiritual life with God, and my physical fitness, I promise to work on exercises that help me to value who I am and what my contribution is to the world. No matter how small it is, I am here for a reason. And, I highly doubt it is just to be a sexually attractive James Bond kind of gal. Though that would be nice, I will settle on being healthy. Mentally, spiritually and physically.

Thanks for reading. Have  a blessed and happy Saturday.~