My kid had a sleepover tonight for her best friend’s bday so we had to cancel our plans to go to a singalong for Sound of Music at Wolftrap tonight. I didn’t make plans with anyone because most people have plans because it is a holiday weekend. I am really honestly not in the mood to see anyone. I think that I will go to my friend D’s house and help her pack a bit :(. I am afraid to go over because seeing her home askew will make it so final. You know? So, I sit here in Starbucks using the last of my gift card drinking my Macchiato and listening to Biggie Smalls on Pandora.:) Sometimes I need a little old skool hip hop to keep me from being to reflective and serious.
I was lying on my back in the pool today on a pool noodle-that is one of the coolest inventions ever! I looked up at the clouds and started a mini-meditation, involuntarily, because that is what I do when I am around water apparently. Especially a waterfall. I swear that I saw some of the clouds break off into different sizes of hearts. Then I started thinking: Am I watching too much Ally McBeal? My imagination and thought life has really exploded as of late! Then I started to wonder if love is missing from my life, romantic love. But everytime my mind goes to that I shut down mentally because I soooooo suck at picking or judging men and relationships. I am the kind of girl that is very intuitive and perceptive, almost witchy, but let a guy pay attention to me and I will tune all of the signals and signs completely out.
What is that about? Daddy issues? Self-esteem issues? I really want to figure it out. It would be great to feel dateable again. I feel like because I don’t have a barrage of requests from men that perhaps I am out of the game for good. Granted I only go to kid friendly events for the most part. I go to a church with all old people. My kid is the only kid there! So no chance of meeting anyone there. Then I take my kid to the tennis club and yeah there are dads there but no single ones. Same with dance and her scouting troop. Is anyone divorced or single in this whole area? It is like Brady Bunch land with minivans everywhere.
I know that I am complaining over and over and over about it, but I have to stay in the burbs of the District for now and it is not a good fit. Gtown is a much better fit or Shurlington, but it is so expensive and when one does not have a job it is not easy to relocate. You know? So I will try to grin and bear being the only single parent in this area. I know that I am exaggerating a bit, I am sure that there are some but I have not met a single parent or a single person over 30 who I have something in common with. Either they want to stay home all of the time or they are in the club. I am so over clubs. Been over clubs since I was 25!
So what to do, what to do? For now, I guess work on my body so that I feel and look better. At the same time work on obtaining a job that will support us and work on resting and being at peace. It is this vicious cycle of me not sleeping enough, over doing it with caffeine to get by and even when I am resting like watching Downton Abbey or another series on Netflix, I am rarely focused. It sounds like ADHD or something, but I think that I am afraid to be still and pray and meditate. In doing so, it is like my problems will all come pouring down and be in the forefront. No more dancing around them. That scares me. I am going to try tonight to kneel beside my bed and pray and listen. I don’t expect GOD to say hey, get it together in a booming voice. But maybe I will gain some perspective or knowledge if I can be still and wait for HIS presence. I have never felt that. I have had feelings about doing or not doing things or about people or situations, but I have never felt like God was sitting right there with me and holding my hand or listening to me. I will try it tonight and report back.
Now don’t get me wrong I am smart enough to know that this kind of thing is not easy to come by and it make take 50 times before it will happen or it may never happen. Sometimes I think that it has never happened to me because I am not pure of heart, or I think the worst of people before I think the best. Or because of the fact that I don’t give people the benefit of the doubt a lot of the time. How or why would God give me a chance if I don’t do the same for others? But then I look at the way that I treat people and how I empty out my purse for the MDA firefighter on the corner or take the lifeguard at the pool a sandwich and think-well I am not all that bad am I? It’s kind of like I think because I am opinionated and have attitudes towards people that God is in some way punishing me. Then I get into the comparison game and think of all the people that I know that aren’t believers, or are super selfish and they seem so fortunate. How are they so blessed in so many ways? Then I remind myself again of good health, my daughter and my mom and feel so completely rewarded and and thankful. But I want some of the other things to. I wonder if it is possible for me or is it that I am not just worthy? That is the million dollar question..
Psalms 46:10 He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth.”