Sometimes I feel like breaking down and crumpling on the floor…

I can’t begin to tell you how my year has been, or maybe I can…I moved, I lost a job, I found a job, I lost a job, I got my Master’s degree. I had a temporary job, I lost my cat of two decades while having guests over for a month. I started two part time jobs that recently ended because they were for a specified time. I got extremely disappointed in a friend who I have bent over backwards to support and had another friend flee because I did not meet her demands. 

Fast forward to today. I took my car in and the brakes were badddd…It was going to cost 950 dollars. Either God was standing on that guys conscience, or he saw how panic stricken I looked, or more likely something divine happened because he reduced it to 731-which is still bad when you are broke. Then he called the credit company associated with them and I was approved for 700 dollars!  My credit is just mediocre after years of being married to an irresponsible person who did not do the right thing money wise or marriage wise-that is another story.

So, I was literally crying tears of joy and had to take a moment like John Cage on Ally McBeal.  I was so overwhelmed with God’s grace and this man’s kindness that I had to step away to deal.  My beautiful daughter said: “mommy, are you alright?”  I said, “yes, I am just so thankful that God allowed this to happen.” (or something like that)

Now I know that it is en vogue to “hate God” or all that is deemed “religious”.  Well if that is how you feel, then I truly feel sorry for you. I by no means have life or God all figured out, but I know that there is a God. I can feel it in my bones and during times like this. The thing is, I don’t read the Bible hardly every anymore and I have been to church only twice this summer.  But during the year we go every week because we are very involved in the church. I have a few roles that are important in the church and my child is involved in the children’s ministry with the other church that shares our building that are a different nationality, but it works!~

The point is, you do not have to be perfect and no every Bible scripture to have faith or be a Christian. In my humble opinion, you just have to believe that things will improve or that there is someone on your side. You have to treat people well and give of yourself to others and step away from a life of selfishness.  I have never had a problem with being selfish, but it is so hard for me to treat people that are not good to me in a kind manner.  I want to make them feel bad or to unfriend them, or sometimes use their head as a punching bag-only kidding;).  

I am separated, have little money, no job, honest to God little hope and yet I am still moving and grooving through life with a smile on my face. Of course I don’t want to talk much to people now and of course I have been a little more annoyed with people lately, but it is because I am stressed the heck out! Anyone would be.

A big problem is that people in this affluent bubble that I live in don’t get it and don’t care too. I am beginning to think that I don’t really have any friends here. My good friend is moving soon and one friend who I considered my best one here is just so cookie cutter/Stepfordesque that I can’t hardly stand to be around her anymore.  I just can’t. Maybe it is my issue, but she has never suffered. She has always had financial security without earning it herself. She hangs around other little perfect versions of herself.

I am the eclectic one. The stand on her own though it may be hell on earth kind of gal. I am very opinionated, which is not very WASP of me. I married someone outside of my race. I finished college later than most and the same with my 2nd degree. I am beautiful but have no banging body-about 45 pounds away from that! I am smart and creative and lovely and different and lonely and bitter all in one package. I exude confidence but I am my worst enemy. I want to have my fair chance. My good stretch of things. My kid and the fact that I am alive and well is all that I can hold on to. Literally. And, that is where my faith comes into play.

If I did not have it, I could not put two feet in front of the other and teach my child and nurture her and expose her to culture and love and the beauty around us. I talk to her like a person. I tell her things that I wasn’t told on her level of course. My mom says that I tell her too much and maybe I do. But I wasn’t told that my father was not a good person and it wasn’t my fault. I wasn’t talked to about the women we caught him with. I wasn’t able to open up to my mother and I really became screwed up as a result.

Truth and faith are what is keeping me going other than the miracle that God brought into my life when he gave me a child.  If that is all that I have to go on, then I will take it. Faith will guide me to my destiny and I am going to be a half-full type of girl and say that it is going to be a heluva fabulous and wonderous journey.

I surrender to the gift that faith is…So that your faith might not rest in the wisdom of men (human philosophy), but in the power of God. 1 Corinthians 2: 5

P.S. I am human, so I may not say things in a pretty way all of the time but I want to be completely authentic with my feelings.

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Though, I am a Christian, I am not destroyed by what the Supreme Court did, but just scared

I wonder how we have let the constitution become obsolete?? I know that many Christians are really bothered by the decision that SCOTUS made, but I am at peace with gay people. Their lifestyle is between them and God. If that makes me a half-Christian or not a true Christian, so be it. I have sins of my own that I need to speak with and deal with God about. I am more upset that we are letting a tiny amount of people control our entire country with no checks and balances. Do states’ rights not exist anymore? What if SC decides that the Christian religion is unconstitutional and mandates the states to obliterate it?

Our government has gotten out of hand. It is very much like a dictatorship now. The executive branch does whatever, so I guess that the judicial feels like they can follow suit!  Heck, they can! They have proven that. This is not the America that I grew up in, and gay is not the reason why. I wish that conservative Christians would realize that being against gay people is not going to win hearts and minds. Praying and spreading love, and fighting battles that are worth it like saving our country is what we need to be working on. We are all human and all made by our wonderful creator. If homosexuality is super sinful in your viewpoint, remember the whole “love the sinner, not the sin?”

God Bless

I have been gone for a couple of months and now I am back…

Hi guys!

Most of you have probably given up on me and my blog and I am sorry if you feel that way. But I however, have been having quite a bit of fun. I have this new best friend as I mentioned a few months back and between going to the gym with her, hanging out with she and my daughter and working, taking classes, and other life duties-I am busy. I however feel that I need to pull back a little. Even in friendships, being there for your friend all of the time is not a good idea. I feel sometimes that one of the people gets taken for granted. I am not saying this is happening in my situation, I am just saying that it can and will happen more than likely. 

I have met a couple of other awesome women in the last week, one through my sales/advertising job and the other while my daughter and I were ice skating. I feel like good people are coming into my life because it is my time. My time to be happy and feel positive and free and confident in knowing that I am a good person and that I deserve to be around good people that treat me well. I think that I can sometimes give too much of myself to people though and I really am going to try to reel that in a bit. Because I have not been with my husband for almost 5 years, it gets a bit lonely sometimes-not often, but I pour the extra time into other people.

From now on, I am going to pour that time into myself and my daughter as well. She is really the most important thing in my life and for the last few months, I have been doing more without her and it is has been fun. But, there is an emptiness when I am out doing other things sometimes and I wonder why the hell I am out when I could be with her. Her whole life I never really went anywhere with friends and now I am trying to re-discover who I am and what I want. It is a bit scary and I need to realize that only God can help me get to that point. Not man. 

Have a great and blessed night and Sunday!!!

Whoa…It is almost February. I am still writing, but apparently not on WP???

Hi guys!

Crazy year. I have a new job!!! Yes, I finally landed a professional non-kid related job. So excited/nervous/scared/happy. I went on my first date in 11 years (since before my husband). I have been doing nights out sans my kid. Five nights to be exact! Four of the nights she was at sleepovers with family and friends and her scouting group and one night I had dinner with my friend for a couple of hours. But anyway, I am doing things for me. Finally,and it feels good. I have been doing social media for my church again, not enough but trying to get it going again. I have also been trying to plan trips out of state-3 planned already. Two without my child. I am not going crazy, or going through a mid-life crazy crisis or anything, I am just trying to “do me”. Have you ever heard that statement? Well if you have not, it means that I am taking care of myself and doing for myself and putting myself as a priority for once in my life.

My daughter is still so important. She is still my heart, but now when she has a church lock-in, I make plans to get a room in the city and hang out with a friend and crash in the hotel instead of going back home. Before, I would go to a movie alone or stay home or meet a friend for a lame meal. I am trying to live again. No I am not going crazy with men or dancing on bars, but I am just trying to recapture a bit of me that has been lost, while at the same time putting my daughter first. 

At times I feel guilt, because now I am opening up my social world so much that I am sharing my time and conversations with more people that just one or 2 friends and my daughter and my mom. My daughter is noticing a bit, but like I told her, in 8 years she will be grown and if I don’t change things, I will be alone. So that is what I am doing. I kept the orchid from my first date, but dropped the guy-way too pushy. But I am going to keep trying and going and laughing and loving. That is what life is about.

My daughter is still my everything, but I have made room for more things, and I am trying to let myself realize that that is okay too. I don’t want to let her little life slip by and feel like I have missed out on things, but when she is out playing and hanging with her friends, I am going to follow suit because mom is getting no younger either. I am still trying to keep God and faith at the forefront, which often time lacks when one is out having fun. I have made a challenge to praise God everytime I do social media. God is going to be soooo happy with me from all of that praising!

Good night my friends and readers. I promise to write much more. I started taking 2 classes again!!! So, there are reasons I have not been on. PS-I have started hardcore exercise regimen! Barre class tomorrow!

Smooches:)

So, my interview is Friday morning and I am deciding between hip/chic or conservative chic.

I have been so wrapped up in crazy silly stuff and now it is crunch time! I start my PR classes on Tuesday-longggg story and I have a job interview in 2 days. I feel like a bonafide grown up. About time, I have been one for 20 years! I feel so good and hopeful about what this year has to hold. Part of it is who I am surrounding myself with, the other part is my jumping in and taking the bull by the horns. Regardless, this is my freaking year and I am claiming it in Jesus’ name!

I keep getting caught up in the worldly and I have to remind myself that that crap-what the flesh wants is not what the soul needs. I want and need to live a Godly life, but when one is a single/divorcee Christian, it is hard. Men in my age group are still partying a lot-lame. Or, they want to get serious immediately. I am going to use this as a way to pray to God by asking God to put people in my life that are good for me and remove the others, as difficult as that it is to face or do.

I have this crazy desire to make this year so much better and different and awesome, but I am still the same person on the inside as I was years ago, in many ways. I have been a great mom and I have a graduate degree and I don’t drink and go out with men like I did in my 20’s, but I still have the same tendencies in certain situations whether I act on them or not. Most of the time I do not, but that co-dependency returns sometimes, but I have to talk myself off of the ledge because I do not want to return to that person just because I am single again.

I have actually been away from my husband for 4 1/2 years, but because I am now pursuing a dating life and opening myself up, the single lady thing is more predominant, or feels that way. So, my readers and friends, please pray for me that I will keep my heart open, but my mind closed to what is not good for me. I hope that your work week has been great and it is half over! Until tomorrow…

I am back and stronger than ever!

2013 was a bust in several ways: my grandmother died (God rest her soul), my almost 20 year old cat died, I had to move to another place, job losses. But, the fact that myself, my child and other family and friends made it to 2014 alive, made it a great year. I have been so extremely busy for the last 30 plus days with travel, guests, events, parties and now is a time to get it together. Decide my path. Make my way. 

For starters, I have a new bestie. I know it sound silly. I am a grown woman with a child and that is the first thing I mention is that I have a best friend. Well, it is odd because I have known her for 2 years. But over the last month, I have gotten to know her more and I realize that this is what has been missing up here in DC! A running/hanging partner. I have a lot of friends/acquaintances here, but I feel in this land of suburbia and perfection,that I rarely if ever am just myself. I am with my daughter and friends from back in the day whom I chat with over the phone that love other places. But I have not met a friend in 10 years in this area that I can 100 percent be myself with and that is huge! I do have the “3 am” friends here. I can call people and trust them with my child. That is freaking golden too. But to be able to have a friend that you can be crazy with, angry around, bare your soul to and at the same time laugh with is priceless. I told her last night that I am going to give her a friendship bracelet and as goofy as it may seem, I might. A girl can never let her bestie know enough how much she is appreciated.

Secondly, I have lost 20 lbs. Remember all of the blogs about getting spiritually and physically fit? Well, at least I am losing weight. I am trying to workout at least 180 minutes per week. Let’s see how the spiritual will turn out. I hope equally as well. Who am I fooling? I hope better.

Third-I have decided to accept people for what they have to give and who they are and not put so much faith in “man.” My faith is in Jesus Christ my Lord and Savior and I am not a judge or a jury. If people are not as loving or as giving or as available as I would love for them to be, well that is on them. No longer am I going to be disappointed in what people are not. I am going to embrace them and appreciate them for what they are and if they are not a positive in my life, then I will kick them to the curb. Sounds harsh? But it really does make sense…

Lastly, I am going to step out on faith in a big way and try out dating. I want someone in my life. For a decade my child has been my all, especially after splitting from my husband. She is my number one priority, but I am still attractive and somewhat young. I want to have a partner in life and going to playdates is not going to get one. I am not rushing out to clubs and bars, but I have joined a few Meetup groups that would be conducive environments for meeting eligible suitors. 

This is actually the last thing, but in my effort to get right in every way I can, I am going to blog everyday again. I do not care if I tell you about how great my lunch was, or how much I enjoyed a movie. I love to write and it is such a healing and joyful exercise for me. I just hope that some of you have stuck with me and will continue to read and support me. I know that I may have lost some followers and have not gained any in awhile, but that is not the reason I want to write. I want to write because it is what I love and feel and it empowers and strengthens me. 

Please join me on my journey and feel free to comment along the way. Happy 2014. It is going to be a happy, happy New Year indeed!

Been away. Went to NYC for a couple of days and then working and well-life!

Hi guys,

I have been a very bad blogger lately. I have been doing Twitter a bunch b/c Scandal has its last episode tomorrow night until Feb 27th. And, we have been going to Christmas events in NYC, DC and everywhere. Plus my daughter’s bday party is this weekend and I have a choir concert at church Sunday. So, busy. I am tired and wiped out, but happy. I love Christmastime so much. Not presents really. Just the beautiful trees and lights and events and people that are a tiny bit kinder. It is refreshing and beautiful and amazing. 

We do not go overboard on presents at our place. Kids get the amount of presents for how old they are from Santa. Once they stop believing in Santa, then it does not apply. It is in an effort to keep the reason for the season at the forefront of Christmas. We read Luke from the Bible on Christmas Eve, we participate in the Christmas Eve service and we do a happy bday cake for Jesus on Christmas.

I am not bragging, just mentioning all of this to say that one can still participate in Santa without having the real meaning of Christmas thrown out the window. When people say trees, Santa and the date December 25th are pagan, it annoys me. The reason that date was adopted, because it was to gradually ease pagans into Christianity by using dates that were special to them. Though trees originally had pagan roots, now we use their beauty to glorify God and Christ’s birth. Santa Claus is for kids and I do not think that it is harmless. It is like my daughter thinking that fairies are real or the Disney princesses at Disney are real people. 

If the love of Christ is in your heart, and you know your true intentions and beliefs, it is okay to have fun. But if you feel that the “pagan” ways of yore conflict with your beliefs or keep you from putting Christ first, then by all means refrain. ‘To each his own’, is a short but powerful statement. 

God Bless you all during this Christmas season and enjoy your holiday in whatever way you choose.

Merry Christmas-no happy holidays nonsense from this chick!

Hope everyone had a Thanksgiving to be thankful for…

I am slowly moving out of my funk. I am trying to seek a real job. I am thinking about getting another degree. Silly? Perhaps,but my options are running out. So, back to Thanksgiving. I am so happy that we had a place to go with good food, conversation and laughter. I was completely chill just staying home under the covers and watching Christmas movies with my daughter. We planned to put decorations on the tree because we put it up that Wednesday. 

Anyway, we did not decorate. We spent from 2 to 9 pm with our friends and it brought me back to southern Thanksgiving dinners at my grandmother’s. This is the first year that she was not around because she passed away in March, so I know that dinner down south was so different for my family. Well, my friend did not disappoint. She had collards, yams, ham, turkey, potato salad. It was a soul food throw down!:) She had awesome appetizers and we had red wine with dinner. Nice meal.

Then her hubby went to lie down and the kids went to play and we sat and talked and talked. I really needed that, you know? Sometimes satan wants us to feel isolated. Like we have nowhere to go and no one to listen to us, but it is such a fallacy! Most of us who have lived normal lives and treated others well and been a normal part of society do have people that pray for us and care for us. We may have people that are praying for us that we have no clue about. It could be the service desk worker that you have gotten to know at your favorite store. It could be the older woman who sits alone at church who you make time to talk with. 

I am a lot of things right now-stressed, concerned, wanting CHANGE in my life so desperately. But one thing I am sure of is that I am loved. We are loved. There are bad people in the world. But there are good people that are available to us that many of us do not appreciate or take the time to get to know. Would I have rather been with a husband of my own and my daughter that night? Sure. Do I want to meet a great man to step in and help me raise my child because her father does not? Yes of course. But apparently God is not ready for me to be with someone. Or, God is preparing him to come into my life. Or preparing my heart. The same heart that has anger and pain and resentment buried behind it.

Today I am hopeful. I desire a different life. A better life. Don’t get me wrong, I am thankful for where I live and would not trade my kid for a trillion dollars. I have friends and a full calendar. But I am not where I need to be financially and I long for romantic love. But, today I feel blessed and I awaiting God’s go ahead for me to be in a better place-emotionally, romantically and financially.

I am claiming it! I am going to have my sunny day. My turn at ‘happy days’ and ‘everything is coming up roses’ is where I am headed! If you feel sad or trapped or confused, just seek the Most High in all that you do and you may not get the answer you want, but you will find comfort. You also will have a friend by your side that will never leave you and always love you. I may not have God all figured out, but some of the situations I should have not made it out of alive, let me know that God has to have a purpose for me. I am still here for a reason. For THAT I give a prayer of gratitude and thanksgiving.

I had someone “check me” tonight. Have you ever had that happen?

I saw a woman tonight when I was “browsing” at Neiman Marcus. She has worked there for years and she is such a beautiful and lovely person. I was meant to see her and I have actually tried to find her the last few times I have been in there and she was always off. So, this was ordained I feel because I was just leaving the mall and I saw her. Also because of the words that she spoke to me. Actually God spoke through her. For those of you who do not believe in this kind of thing, good for you. But I know this happens. It happened tonight!

So, she basically told me that there was a lot of hurt and pain in my heart. That I am a good person with good intentions, but I cannot get my breakthrough with God because I am letting all of my past hurt stand in the way. It was like a triumph for me and a slap in the face at the same time. She said I have to get my heart right. I was thinking, hmph-my heart is fine. Then I started thinking about how I get angry a lot with what I deem as stupid drivers, shoppers and annoying people in general. A lot of us in DC get aggravated because there are so many people around all of the time and there is so much competitiveness. It is probably a part of why I have changed. But a switch has been flipped recently. I truly am not happy like I once was. I still appear to be happy go lucky, but inside I am stressed and anxious.

 I have been in such turmoil lately every night about my life and my past and my mistakes and my present and on and on. She is so right. I need to face my demons. Get on my knees and ask God to forgive me and to help me forgive. The letting go I am always talking about has come to bite me in the butt. I am a hypocrite in action. I continue to tell people about letting go, but I guess I am not practicing what I preach. That is why when I do my church’s social media I feel like such a big incredible phony. I believe that God is great. I believe in the Bible, but I am not fully living it.

The question of the day is: Does anybody ever live it? If they do, I want to meet them and ask them how! I am going to ask for God to search my heart tonight, but the truth is I am scared to see what is lurking there. But my friend is right. It has to be done in order to move to the next step of my life, God’s plan for my life.

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