Sometimes I feel like breaking down and crumpling on the floor…

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I can’t begin to tell you how my year has been, or maybe I can…I moved, I lost a job, I found a job, I lost a job, I got my Master’s degree. I had a temporary job, I lost my cat of two decades while having guests over for a month. I started two part time jobs that recently ended because they were for a specified time. I got extremely disappointed in a friend who I have bent over backwards to support and had another friend flee because I did not meet her demands. 

Fast forward to today. I took my car in and the brakes were badddd…It was going to cost 950 dollars. Either God was standing on that guys conscience, or he saw how panic stricken I looked, or more likely something divine happened because he reduced it to 731-which is still bad when you are broke. Then he called the credit company associated with them and I was approved for 700 dollars!  My credit is just mediocre after years of being married to an irresponsible person who did not do the right thing money wise or marriage wise-that is another story.

So, I was literally crying tears of joy and had to take a moment like John Cage on Ally McBeal.  I was so overwhelmed with God’s grace and this man’s kindness that I had to step away to deal.  My beautiful daughter said: “mommy, are you alright?”  I said, “yes, I am just so thankful that God allowed this to happen.” (or something like that)

Now I know that it is en vogue to “hate God” or all that is deemed “religious”.  Well if that is how you feel, then I truly feel sorry for you. I by no means have life or God all figured out, but I know that there is a God. I can feel it in my bones and during times like this. The thing is, I don’t read the Bible hardly every anymore and I have been to church only twice this summer.  But during the year we go every week because we are very involved in the church. I have a few roles that are important in the church and my child is involved in the children’s ministry with the other church that shares our building that are a different nationality, but it works!~

The point is, you do not have to be perfect and no every Bible scripture to have faith or be a Christian. In my humble opinion, you just have to believe that things will improve or that there is someone on your side. You have to treat people well and give of yourself to others and step away from a life of selfishness.  I have never had a problem with being selfish, but it is so hard for me to treat people that are not good to me in a kind manner.  I want to make them feel bad or to unfriend them, or sometimes use their head as a punching bag-only kidding;).  

I am separated, have little money, no job, honest to God little hope and yet I am still moving and grooving through life with a smile on my face. Of course I don’t want to talk much to people now and of course I have been a little more annoyed with people lately, but it is because I am stressed the heck out! Anyone would be.

A big problem is that people in this affluent bubble that I live in don’t get it and don’t care too. I am beginning to think that I don’t really have any friends here. My good friend is moving soon and one friend who I considered my best one here is just so cookie cutter/Stepfordesque that I can’t hardly stand to be around her anymore.  I just can’t. Maybe it is my issue, but she has never suffered. She has always had financial security without earning it herself. She hangs around other little perfect versions of herself.

I am the eclectic one. The stand on her own though it may be hell on earth kind of gal. I am very opinionated, which is not very WASP of me. I married someone outside of my race. I finished college later than most and the same with my 2nd degree. I am beautiful but have no banging body-about 45 pounds away from that! I am smart and creative and lovely and different and lonely and bitter all in one package. I exude confidence but I am my worst enemy. I want to have my fair chance. My good stretch of things. My kid and the fact that I am alive and well is all that I can hold on to. Literally. And, that is where my faith comes into play.

If I did not have it, I could not put two feet in front of the other and teach my child and nurture her and expose her to culture and love and the beauty around us. I talk to her like a person. I tell her things that I wasn’t told on her level of course. My mom says that I tell her too much and maybe I do. But I wasn’t told that my father was not a good person and it wasn’t my fault. I wasn’t talked to about the women we caught him with. I wasn’t able to open up to my mother and I really became screwed up as a result.

Truth and faith are what is keeping me going other than the miracle that God brought into my life when he gave me a child.  If that is all that I have to go on, then I will take it. Faith will guide me to my destiny and I am going to be a half-full type of girl and say that it is going to be a heluva fabulous and wonderous journey.

I surrender to the gift that faith is…So that your faith might not rest in the wisdom of men (human philosophy), but in the power of God. 1 Corinthians 2: 5

P.S. I am human, so I may not say things in a pretty way all of the time but I want to be completely authentic with my feelings.

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Though, I am a Christian, I am not destroyed by what the Supreme Court did, but just scared

I wonder how we have let the constitution become obsolete?? I know that many Christians are really bothered by the decision that SCOTUS made, but I am at peace with gay people. Their lifestyle is between them and God. If that makes me a half-Christian or not a true Christian, so be it. I have sins of my own that I need to speak with and deal with God about. I am more upset that we are letting a tiny amount of people control our entire country with no checks and balances. Do states’ rights not exist anymore? What if SC decides that the Christian religion is unconstitutional and mandates the states to obliterate it?

Our government has gotten out of hand. It is very much like a dictatorship now. The executive branch does whatever, so I guess that the judicial feels like they can follow suit!  Heck, they can! They have proven that. This is not the America that I grew up in, and gay is not the reason why. I wish that conservative Christians would realize that being against gay people is not going to win hearts and minds. Praying and spreading love, and fighting battles that are worth it like saving our country is what we need to be working on. We are all human and all made by our wonderful creator. If homosexuality is super sinful in your viewpoint, remember the whole “love the sinner, not the sin?”

God Bless

Too much faith in MAN-again

I do not know why I continue to be surprised that people are not who I need to put my faith in. I think a lot of us struggle with this. it makes sense because we don’t see Jesus Christ in the flesh sitting next to us. I can’t lean over and put my head on his shoulder when I am having a tough time or doubt myself. I can’t text Jesus and have a text be returned to let me know that I am loved back or missed, etc. I think my point is, I know that Jesus Christ is real. I don’t have to see HIM to know that. But, not being able to talk to Jesus and have a two-way conversation makes it difficult for me sometimes. For lots of people.

I think that in this digital world and the rush-rush environment for those of us who live in and around cities, do not know how to be still. I say a prayer/song to my daughter every night that I made up that covers all of the bases. It is quite lovely-not bragging. But by the time I drag myself to bed, I do the Father/Son/Holy Spirit sign and get on my knees for 30 seconds and get under the covers. I talk to God silently at times and often times in the shower. I guess I could even consider my singing in the choir, a conversation or at least praising or thankfulness to God. 

But I have been letting all of the “noise” of new friendships, new situations, a new attitude get in the way of what is most important. My relationship with Jesus Christ. I truly want to live up to my deacon name. I want to live the life, not just pretend to live the life. I want to feel as close to HIM as I do to my best friend after sharing my heart and thoughts with her. I guess I really am wondering if any of you out there feel the same way?

I know I have been AWOL for awhile. I have let my obsession with changing my life-losing weight, making time for me, hanging out with friends and being a great mom get in the way of my relationship with Jesus Christ and for that I am ashamed. Do any of you have any tips?

Night…

I have been gone for a couple of months and now I am back…

Hi guys!

Most of you have probably given up on me and my blog and I am sorry if you feel that way. But I however, have been having quite a bit of fun. I have this new best friend as I mentioned a few months back and between going to the gym with her, hanging out with she and my daughter and working, taking classes, and other life duties-I am busy. I however feel that I need to pull back a little. Even in friendships, being there for your friend all of the time is not a good idea. I feel sometimes that one of the people gets taken for granted. I am not saying this is happening in my situation, I am just saying that it can and will happen more than likely. 

I have met a couple of other awesome women in the last week, one through my sales/advertising job and the other while my daughter and I were ice skating. I feel like good people are coming into my life because it is my time. My time to be happy and feel positive and free and confident in knowing that I am a good person and that I deserve to be around good people that treat me well. I think that I can sometimes give too much of myself to people though and I really am going to try to reel that in a bit. Because I have not been with my husband for almost 5 years, it gets a bit lonely sometimes-not often, but I pour the extra time into other people.

From now on, I am going to pour that time into myself and my daughter as well. She is really the most important thing in my life and for the last few months, I have been doing more without her and it is has been fun. But, there is an emptiness when I am out doing other things sometimes and I wonder why the hell I am out when I could be with her. Her whole life I never really went anywhere with friends and now I am trying to re-discover who I am and what I want. It is a bit scary and I need to realize that only God can help me get to that point. Not man. 

Have a great and blessed night and Sunday!!!

Whoa…It is almost February. I am still writing, but apparently not on WP???

Hi guys!

Crazy year. I have a new job!!! Yes, I finally landed a professional non-kid related job. So excited/nervous/scared/happy. I went on my first date in 11 years (since before my husband). I have been doing nights out sans my kid. Five nights to be exact! Four of the nights she was at sleepovers with family and friends and her scouting group and one night I had dinner with my friend for a couple of hours. But anyway, I am doing things for me. Finally,and it feels good. I have been doing social media for my church again, not enough but trying to get it going again. I have also been trying to plan trips out of state-3 planned already. Two without my child. I am not going crazy, or going through a mid-life crazy crisis or anything, I am just trying to “do me”. Have you ever heard that statement? Well if you have not, it means that I am taking care of myself and doing for myself and putting myself as a priority for once in my life.

My daughter is still so important. She is still my heart, but now when she has a church lock-in, I make plans to get a room in the city and hang out with a friend and crash in the hotel instead of going back home. Before, I would go to a movie alone or stay home or meet a friend for a lame meal. I am trying to live again. No I am not going crazy with men or dancing on bars, but I am just trying to recapture a bit of me that has been lost, while at the same time putting my daughter first. 

At times I feel guilt, because now I am opening up my social world so much that I am sharing my time and conversations with more people that just one or 2 friends and my daughter and my mom. My daughter is noticing a bit, but like I told her, in 8 years she will be grown and if I don’t change things, I will be alone. So that is what I am doing. I kept the orchid from my first date, but dropped the guy-way too pushy. But I am going to keep trying and going and laughing and loving. That is what life is about.

My daughter is still my everything, but I have made room for more things, and I am trying to let myself realize that that is okay too. I don’t want to let her little life slip by and feel like I have missed out on things, but when she is out playing and hanging with her friends, I am going to follow suit because mom is getting no younger either. I am still trying to keep God and faith at the forefront, which often time lacks when one is out having fun. I have made a challenge to praise God everytime I do social media. God is going to be soooo happy with me from all of that praising!

Good night my friends and readers. I promise to write much more. I started taking 2 classes again!!! So, there are reasons I have not been on. PS-I have started hardcore exercise regimen! Barre class tomorrow!

Smooches:)

Why do we all, the we includes me, put soooo much faith in man

I recently got very disappointed in a friend who did not respond the way that I thought she would, or should. I got a new job and I expected a call or tons of questions about the job, but instead I got a half-hearted congrats. I do not think that she meant anything by it, because she is not a jump up and down with excitement kind of person, But to not return a call about it, it kind of hurt me. I am not going to lie. If the shoe were on the other foot, I would be so happy and wanting to know all details. Hell, the shoe has been on the other foot and I was OVERJOYED. But that is just it, we have different styles of love or love languages or whatever you call it.

I am a bit time sharer with people that I love. If you are in my life and I call you a friend, then you are family to me. I do not play games, or have tons of secrets, I am just me and I am very open. I will give the shirt off of my back. I am not needy, I just love to give to people and I love to take care of people by being supportive and helping them in any way that I can. Maybe for some that is overwhelming. 

I was raised in a solid background with a family that did not have people in and out of jail or drunks or addicts for relatives. I am from a boring and quiet middle class family that does not want anything from me and is not “out to get me”. I think that people that came up “hard” have a thicker outer skin. They do not share as much. They feel that they have to be more secretive and as a result shut people out without even realizing it. But it kind of hurts a little. 

Sound silly that I am speaking about a friendship this way? Sorry if it does, but it is on my heart and when I love, I love deep. That goes for family, friends, romantic interests. And when I am done with someone, I am really really done. So, I pray that things become okay with me and this friend and that I do not start acting different towards this person because that will not help things. AT ALL. But if you ever feel this way and feel this way and feel that you are going above and beyond to be a friend and they are not, pull back and give yourself and that person space.

Maybe God is trying to reveal something to you about the person, maybe God is trying to have you focus more on HIM, or maybe this person is a bit self-centered and there is nothing that you can do to change that. Instead, be around people that want to spend time with you and value you as a person. Do not make yourself so at the ready for these folks, especially if they do not do the same for you.

Good night my friends. Have a Happy MLK Jr holiday tomorrow!!

So, my interview is Friday morning and I am deciding between hip/chic or conservative chic.

I have been so wrapped up in crazy silly stuff and now it is crunch time! I start my PR classes on Tuesday-longggg story and I have a job interview in 2 days. I feel like a bonafide grown up. About time, I have been one for 20 years! I feel so good and hopeful about what this year has to hold. Part of it is who I am surrounding myself with, the other part is my jumping in and taking the bull by the horns. Regardless, this is my freaking year and I am claiming it in Jesus’ name!

I keep getting caught up in the worldly and I have to remind myself that that crap-what the flesh wants is not what the soul needs. I want and need to live a Godly life, but when one is a single/divorcee Christian, it is hard. Men in my age group are still partying a lot-lame. Or, they want to get serious immediately. I am going to use this as a way to pray to God by asking God to put people in my life that are good for me and remove the others, as difficult as that it is to face or do.

I have this crazy desire to make this year so much better and different and awesome, but I am still the same person on the inside as I was years ago, in many ways. I have been a great mom and I have a graduate degree and I don’t drink and go out with men like I did in my 20’s, but I still have the same tendencies in certain situations whether I act on them or not. Most of the time I do not, but that co-dependency returns sometimes, but I have to talk myself off of the ledge because I do not want to return to that person just because I am single again.

I have actually been away from my husband for 4 1/2 years, but because I am now pursuing a dating life and opening myself up, the single lady thing is more predominant, or feels that way. So, my readers and friends, please pray for me that I will keep my heart open, but my mind closed to what is not good for me. I hope that your work week has been great and it is half over! Until tomorrow…